Normality, Redefined

I can’t believe I haven’t posted an update in a year here. Bad blogger. No hits for you.

I’m still married, despite the gender transition. And if that wasn’t miracle enough, our relationship is better than it’s ever been. That’s not just my opinion, but my wife’s as well.

Many times it wasn’t clear if we would survive it. But we did. Several times I wasn’t sure if I’d survive the emotional pain of it all. But I did. And we’ve come out stronger than ever. While that’s not unheard of, it’s rare, and I have a ton of gratitude.

Long-term chastity is likely never going to happen for me now. A downside of converting my penis into a vagina is the maintenance. I need to dilate (put something in there) every day for as long as I want it to be functional.

My wife has discussed a number of times getting my labia pierced. I’m sure she’s thinking something serious – like a whole bunch of piercings. Not a single, simple little piece of jewelry.

As for The Drawer, I have attempted to sleep in it several times. This leaves my wife, a dog and a cat in the bed, and me in The Drawer underneath them. It’s cramped enough that I cannot turn over (back to front). And there’s not a lot of room for padding, so it’s not particularly comfortable. My wife doesn’t mind any of that, of course. But it makes it difficult for me to sleep through the night in it.

She’s also continued to talk about having a man with her in bed, with me in the drawer. And she talks about having a 3-way with the two of us and a man. It’s consistent enough that I suspect she’s somewhat serious. But not serious enough yet to actually make it happen. I wouldn’t be surprised at all to blog someday here about something like that having happened.

Another interesting development is my attitude towards certain types of heavy bondage, which I used to love. As a woman now, I think my sense of risk and personal safety has shifted. I have this intense, heavy duty sensory deprivation hood that I used to love (as a guy). But now I can’t even tolerate putting it on myself; I freak out before I get it fully laced up and buckled.

I ordered a custom-made hardwood paddle for my wife, and it arrived today. I need to wrap this up and get upstairs so she can install a bunch of fresh welts on my ass tonight. It’s an incredible toy, which she let me design. I’m so happy she loves it. But I’ll be hollering shortly.

Wishing all my readers a happy 2016!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Quite a few things haven’t changed since my last post about 7 weeks ago. Mistress still has me eating out of one of my two dog dishes for all my meals (unless I have permission). She’s talked about bringing one with us to a restaurant soon. But apparently I’ve been good enough to be allowed to use a regular spoon from our main silverware (rather than one of our reject “crummy” spoons).

She also still uses me as her nighttime urinal on occasion. And I’ve not been permitted any boygasms in months, just an occasional girlgasm every week or two. Humiliation play is nearly every day. She has a male friend who will visit later this year, and she talks a lot about how they will treat me when while he stays with us.

But some things have changed…

We had a death in the family just days after Christmas, so the holidays had some sadness. Mistress has the additional title of “executrix” temporarily. I’m supporting her through both grief and the logistics of handling that estate. Losing a parent to cancer is hard.

Just recently we’ve started talking seriously about having a male slave move in with us. “R” lived with us about 9 years ago for some months. He’s a service-oriented submissive, and he would love nothing more than to “serve two women”. It will be an interesting pecking order, with my wife as my Mistress and his Ma’am, I would continue to be her submissive pet but his dominant Miss. He would submit to us both.

Mistress and I have discussed some plans, including having R out for a few weeks soon as a trial. If things seem like a good fit, it sounds like he will ask to move in with us permanently. That’s even after learning that his service will almost certainly include BDSM, enforced chastity, an ownership mark (tattoo), and plenty of household duties.

Something I’m personally looking forward to this year is GRS. My surgeon consultation is still scheduled for the end of March, after which we can set a date to exchange tiny for a vagina. Exciting!

I’m also utterly thrilled to report that hormones have enabled me to grow B-cup breasts. The guideline is usually “one cup size smaller than your mother or sisters”. My mom has B’s. Mistress and I are both pretty pleased with the size of my “girls”, and this means we don’t have to bother with breast-augmentation as yet another surgical procedure.

I continue to think that biologically I was very ripe for being a female. I believe science will someday help us understand transsexuality better, including its causes and treatments. For me, I am so very happy to finally be the woman I’ve dreamed of being. I’m grateful each and every day. I’m more compassionate and loving, more calm and peaceful.

I’d be happy to entertain questions in the comments. Happy New Year!

Transition Update

Life has been so busy!  I am continuing with my gender transition.  I’m working with some of the best professionals in my state, which rocks.  8 months now on female hormones, and I definitely have some cute breasts.  My wife loves to tease me about how much larger my ass is (yet she says she loves my “girl butt”).  I have filed paperwork to legally change my name, and have started talking to gender reassignment surgeons.

This week I’m going to talk to HR at my workplace to set plans in motion to transition on-the-job.  One day I will simply start as a female.  Yes, really.  I’ve learned my employer has recently gone through this with someone else already, which is heartening.  I’ve been living as a female for many months now everywhere in my life except at work.  It’s time to come out there and go “full-time”.

I received a comment or email from a reader who wondered if becoming a transexual was a natural or common eventuality for a feminized husband in chastity.  My short answer: no.  It’s a great fantasy, and I’ve loved the stories I’ve read on-line over the years.  But the reality of changing your gender for real in this society is very different.  I’m sure there is the occasional “forced” situation, but I estimate that’s far less than 1% in real life.  What you don’t realize is that there are plenty of transitioning people all around you.  Some estimates as low as 1 in 200.  Of course that includes the entire transgender umbrella, not just transexuals.

Some of the women you know might have been born male.  That’s just reality.  But please don’t ask them.  Think about it — a genetic female will likely be very offended that you thought they were born male; quite a buzz-kill on a date.  Like me, most transexuals want to transition and live the rest of their life as peacefully as possible.  I just want to be in the world now as a woman.  Eventually I will legally be female.  And my wife and I will simply want to get on with the rest of our (lesbian) lives.

Some aspects of my situation were not really that unusual:  a lifetime of private activities exploring my female side (crossdressing, reading TS stories, playing with makeup, wishing I was female); deciding to explore it more seriously after getting heterosexually married.  One aspect of my situation is very unusual:  my wife and I plan to stay together.  The harsh reality is that most relationships cannot survive one spouse changing their gender — I think the partnership failure rate is over 90%.  The suicide rate for transgender people is also very high (over 30%) — I’m fortunate to be a survivor, in fact.

But back to the question.  It very well could be that a husband willing to be feminized and put into chastity does have some latent gender identity issues.  But they may not be as serious as full-out transexuality.  There is nothing wrong with loving to crossdress (I did it for decades), and for many it ends there.  Other have a stronger pull away from their genetic gender, but life circumstances prevent them from acting on them (I was also there for decades).  A full transition is not cheap — at least $30,000 start to finish.  If you are interested in more details of transitioning, let me know.  I don’t want to bore my readers!

Let’s revisit my dog dish (see prior post).  I haven’t messed up once!  But I will relay one story.  My wife’s sister moved to our city about a year ago, and she comes over sometimes to chat or eat — or the three of us girls go shopping!  One day she was over and she brought her two little dogs.  I came home from work and saw my dog dish on the floor, and her dogs were eating out of them.  I didn’t know if my wife had told her or not.  And I didn’t dare ask.  But it was clear that my wife noticed me noticing, and she really got off on the humiliation that it provided.

I’ll end on a chastity development.  Today I’ll be removing my PA piercing.  That’s a major deal for me.  I’d wanted that ring in my cock for so very long, and it meant so much when my wife decided to have it installed.  But gender surgeons apparently recommend letting that hole in my penis heal.  I guess it makes sense, since they will be turning tiny inside-out when they surgically transform my male genitals into a vagina and labia.  It’s amazing what they can do today (google for “SRS photos”).

But removing my PA ring signals the end of an era.  No more chastity.  Having my cock locked up was such a focus and big deal to me.  And I’m feeling some loss about that.  Mistress still dominates me, of course.  But not with forced orgasm denial.  She’s threatened a female chastity device, but those always come with a waist belt, and she has never been ok with those.

At some point I’m going to sell my whole high-security chastity setup:  lock, JailBird cage, bio-safe, etc.  If you want to be notified, drop me an email or blog comment.  That will be a sad day too for me.  On the other hand, it truly does feel awesome in so many ways, to finally become the woman that I’ve dreamed of being — and to have my Mistress/wife with me on the journey!  Heaven!

A New Phase

Well, it looks like I’m well on my way to never needing to have tiny (my wife’s name for my cock) locked into a chastity device.  Several times she’s happily remarked on how well my “chemical castration” is coming along.

What she’s really referring to are the hormones I’m on as I progress in my transition to becoming female.  I’ve been on estrogen for 2 months now, with maybe a little breast, and hip growth (but hardly any so far).  The sprio though, which blocks testosterone, is what she was referring to.  It reduces the male sex drive and, over time, shrinks the testicles.

Recently I realized that my PA ring may not be long for this world.  It was integral to the 100% secure stainless steel chastity cage we used not that long ago.  But it’s getting uncomfortable now that I’m tucking my junk away to look more feminine “down there”.  And sometimes that damn ring gets really uncomfortable, squishing things in strange ways, particularly when sitting.

It also occurred to me that it may be a problem later when I go to have sexual reassignment surgery.  Since, basically, the penis is turned inside out to make a vagina, it probably won’t be good to have a hole in it.  That’s 1-2 years away at this point, but still something I’m thinking about.

I asked Mistress about it recently, and she suggested that I may as well just remove the ring.  That was a bit of a shock to consider, since my PA piercing will probably close up and heal over pretty quickly (a week or two maybe?).  What shocked me was facing the end of serious male chastity in my life.  Funny, that hit me harder than not having sex.

The extensiveness of this blog probably makes it pretty clear that chastity was a pretty important thing to me.  Masturbation, sex, and male orgasms certainly were also.  But they aren’t any more.  I’ve changed, and I’ll continue changing.  Not only has my male desire for sex been suppressed, my whole sense of sensuality is changing.  I’m amazed at how erotic simple touching can feel now.  I’ve always been a tactile-sensitive person, but hormones have turned it up to 11.

Anyway, lately I’m coming to grips with letting go of my manhood.  Chastity represented that, in a way.  My cage was an illustration of how I needed to have it controlled, lest it be out of control.  Thinking about selling my awesome metal penis prison makes me sad.  It’s a rite of passage, I suppose – if atypical.

Of course, to see me typing this with my hair up and wearing this bright, fun sun dress – you wouldn’t guess that I’m struggling with my masculinity.  And I’m not, really, I’m doing well at letting that go, because I feel so great as a woman.  But chastity – wow, letting go of that part of my life is harder.  Necessary, but a heart-felt loss.

In terms of my transition, I’m living at home and in public as a woman over half the time that I’m not at work.  My immediate family knows (parents, children, siblings), and probably 100-200 friends.  We have new friendships in the transgender and transexual community, which is wonderful.  This fall I plan to come out at my workplace, which I’m expecting to go well.  Between then and now I’ll be legally changing my name.  Serious progress.

It’s been busy, with extra appointments, investing time in new relationships, additional shopping to get my closet ready for going full-time, hair removal activities (laser, IPL, electrolysis), etc.  Mistress and I are both really looking forward to the time when we can just get on with our new lives together, without so much focus on these transitional steps.  Again, necessary, but sometimes frustrating.

And she is excited to be growing into a lesbian relationship.  Being bisexual, this is seriously working for her.  She can’t wait for me to have fuller breasts, a vagina she can have men of her choosing use, and labia she can torture.  After all, I’m still her submissive pet, regardless of my gender.

Just thought I’d update everyone.  Thanks for reading.  As always I’m open to questions and comments.

Goodbye Y, Hello X

Mistress continues to use me as her urinal at night. For the last few weeks it’s been most every night, sometimes twice. On occasion she will even wake me up to pee in my mouth. Call me strange, but it turns me on. And I also find a lot of satisfaction in serving her this way. See this post for how we manage it without making a mess.

My transition from being male to female is progressing. I’m out to over 100 people now in my life, and am spending about half my awake/non-work time as a female. I started female hormones last week (under doctor supervision). Mistress says she can already see some breast development, but I’m skeptical. She loves the fact that I’m getting boobs, because she’s a lesbian at heart. She is having the best time monitoring their progress and playing with them – multiple times per day. I feel so objectified – she even pulled up my shirt and showed her sister – they were both fondling my breasts.

I don’t mind being objectified – if that’s not already obvious. I’m also finding that I am liking pain to be mixed with my pleasure now. Mistress loves to stimulate my nipples, and I encourage her to bite me as she does, which usually turns her on enough to reach an orgasm.

She’s allowed me two male orgasms over the past 2-3 weeks. They were nice, but still disappointing. The feelings just don’t compare with the female orgasms I am experiencing at her direction. I have to say that males are really missing out on what an orgasm can feel like. My female orgasms are huge, intense, full-body experiences that leave me energized and feeling connected and wonderful. My male orgasms, in contrast, feel quick and shallow and narrow, totally groin-centric, and leave me feeling tired and anti-social. Yuck.

I’m also finding something like body cravings to be female. During my female orgasms I’d give anything to have a vagina and to be getting penetrated right now. It’s a bit shocking to experience, like my body is screaming to be fully female. It seems that Mistress will be easily able to get me into a state where I will desperately have sex with anyone or anything she wants. Eventually.  Genital surgery is 1-2 years away.

Over the next 2-3 months I’ll be coming out to the rest of my family, neighbors, and finally at my work. Then I will be living 100% of the time as a woman. One year after that my doctors would all likely sign off to enable me to get tiny (Mistress’ name for my cock) inverted and turned into a vagina and clitoris. Apparently my testicles (which will have shrunk and become literally useless by then) will just go into the trash.

Until then, the hormones will be changing my body: breasts, fat distribution (face, waist, butt), skin, and brain. I am feeling so ready for this. I really do feel like I’m becoming the person I was meant to be. I’m very happy having this opportunity to spend the rest of my life as a physical and legal woman. It’s definitely not for everyone, but it is right for me.

Hanging free for now

Mistress gave me an orgasm on Friday. It had been 48 days since my last one, and I was securely locked up for the last 35 days.

I had a doctor’s appointment the next day, one that included a genital exam. So she wanted me to take it off (I would have been fine leaving it on, and it wouldn’t have gotten in the doctor’s way at all). Mistress masturbated me while biting my chest. It didn’t take me long.

I don’t think she realized it, but she stopped stroking right as I started to cum. I begged her to keep going, and after a short pause she did. Fortunately I had another climax and got to fully unload. There was a ton of fluid. No surprise, I suppose, since it had been almost 7 weeks of celibacy for me. I was worried that she was going to give me a “ruined orgasm”. That would have really sucked!

The doctor appointment was with my endocrinologist — the one who will oversee the female hormones that I am likely to be on in a week or two. She did a health history, advised us about the risks, did a quick physical — including the genital exam and a prostate exam with Mistress watching! Yesterday I had some blood drawn for lab tests, which should show me healthy and ready for hormones. About a week for those test results.

Mistress told me today she’s looking forward to me having a pussy. She has plans to fist me in a variety of ways, and was telling me details today. She want to fist my pussy and the pussy of a friend of ours. She’s done us both before, but obviously one of her hands was up my ass then, the other in our friend’s vagina.

She also wants to double-fist me – one in my pussy, and one in my ass. And she’s talked about the various dildos she plans to use to fuck me. (I wish she’d fuck my ass now!).

Another thing she plans to do is have people watch while she sews my labia lips together (explicit image here). And yes, she’s completely serious and I fully believe she will do it.

Not sure what she plans to do about keeping me in chastity once my easy-to-secure cock becomes a tempting pussy. She’s never liked the full waist-belt style metal chastity belts, but maybe she’ll end up locked me into one. Not sure how else she’ll be able to control access to my eventual clitoris otherwise.

For the moment Mistress has decided to leave me out of the cage. It will help me crossdress more effectively (and comfortably). A few months back you may recall that I signed a written chastity contract with her. It clearly specified that I must avoid all masturbation or stimulation of my genitals, and that I have turned over all of my sexuality and control of my cock and balls to her. So even though I’m not locked in the JailBird, I am still “in chastity”. And I fully intend to be faithful to her and our contract.

44 Days and Counting

Mistress continues to leave me locked up with no sign of release. It’s been 44 days now since my last orgasm, one of the longest times I have gone without. She still shows no interest in my genitals at all.

I’ve been wondering if I might wake up some morning to a mess (nocturnal emission), but I haven’t yet. I haven’t had to put up with a lot of tease and denial, so it could be that I don’t have much fluid built up.

I have been wondering if I should try to milk myself again. I’ve tried a few times with little or no success. I even have an Aneros prostrate massager, but even that hasn’t been effective.

Things have been a little more stressed in our relationship. The gender transition thing is taking some toll, both as a near-constant source of attention and focus, and as an emotional drain particularly for her. Tonight I got all stressed out because I didn’t have what I needed to wear under the dress I had been looking forward to wearing out with friends tonight. It sure is different for me to care so much about how I look when I go out. Guys really do have it easy.

In four days I’ll be getting evaluated for starting female hormones. Mistress talks about looking forward to my breast growth, particularly how much my chest will hurt as it happens. She wants to poke and pinch and squeeze them to give me even more pain. I expect she will really like to bite them as well.

She also talks about how the hormones will work to make tiny (her name for my cock) even more worthless (“If that’s even possible”, as she says). They will make my testicles shrink and reduce or eliminate my male sex drive. She teases me regularly about how it won’t make much difference to her, since my “useless excuse for a cock never did much for [her] anyway”).

Yesterday her sister was over at our house. She brought her two little dogs. I came into the kitchen and saw my dog dish on the floor with dog food in it for her sister’s dogs. The same pink dog dish I have my breakfast in. Her sister didn’t know, but Mistress did. She saw that I noticed and she smiled that knowing smile that says “oh yes, I know this is humiliating for you – too bad!”.

My last male orgasm, over a month ago now, wasn’t that great so I haven’t feel very compelled towards another. Especially since the “female orgasms” that Mistress lets me have now and then are so much nicer.

I wonder how long Mistress will keep me locked up. We don’t talk about it, so I have no idea what her goals or plans are – if any. Perhaps she just considers tiny “locked away for good”. I’ve forgotten what an erection feels like. The sensation of stroking my hand against my cock is just a distant memory now.

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