Healing, slowly

I haven’t written any updates lately because there’s been little to write about. Most of my activities with my wife and Mistress have been curtailed due to issues with post-surgical healing. But things are looking up.

My first 6-7 weeks post-op went quite well. Minimal pain, considering that this was major surgery. But then things started to hurt, and hurt more. For various reasons I wasn’t able to get the medical attention I needed until last week. And even then things aren’t 100% resolved yet.

So, unfortunately, The Drawer still remains unused for it’s intended purpose. Mistress has talked about it recently, though. I’m hoping to post a few pictures of the D-rings that I mounted in The Drawer for eventual restraining uses.

I specifically asked my doctor about resuming anal sex, and she was fine with it. Since then, Mistress has made it clear that she intends to go there sometime soon. Not sure what she has in mind, stay tuned.

And for more updates about how my Gender Confirmation Surgery is really going, see my other blog “Blooming Time”.

New Bed Arrival

The new bed I described and pictured in my previous posting is going to be delivered tomorrow. Things are about to get pretty serious pretty soon in the bedtime bondage department.

We’re going to postpone setting it up for two reasons. First, the matching nightstands aren’t here yet. And Mistress needs a place to put her things. Second, I need to reinforce The Drawer.

That’s what she’s calling it: The Drawer. It’s literally a drawer that rolls under the bed. Her plan is to be able to put me in it, eventually for overnight or other special occasions. Possibly even locking it. And possibly with a serious wrist and ankle restraint system as well.

I’m certain that The Drawer is designed for holding a typical amount of clothing. I’m sure I weigh more than it can hold. So my task is to reinforce The Drawer so that it will safely hold me and operate easily. That also includes replacing the wheels (and probably adding more).

In anticipation of me being in The Drawer overnight, I purchased some Depend women’s adult diapers for me. We also have some plastic pants. Mistress has made it clear that it will not be her problem if I have to pee while I’m in The Drawer.

She’s also talked about putting me in The Drawer if and when she decides to have sex with other men in our bed. If she isn’t interested in me watching or participating, she figures it’s the next most appropriate place for me to be. I’m not sure if it’s this cuckold’s dream or nightmare.

I’m pretty scared about being claustrophobic in The Drawer. Lately I’ve tried to face some of that fear. I had our severe sensory deprivation hood modified yesterday. I took it to a local leather repair place to have the breathing hole grommet enlarged. Last night I asked Mistress to put it on me — it laces up the back tightly and then has 3 thick leather, locking straps for further cinching. I can’t see, and can barely hear. I was able to handle it, although when she tied my wrists with rope it was another level of challenge. I was able to keep from freaking out, so that was progress.

As a male, I used to love that mask without hesitation. I think my sense of bodily safety has changed now that I’m female (particularly the hormones and new genitals).

It will probably be a week or so until The Drawer is ready for it’s first use.  Stay tuned.

The New Bed

Mistress finally decided that she did indeed want the new bed. It will be delivered early next week.

Once it’s fully assembled, I’ll have to work on the larger under-bed drawer. It’s designed to be able to hold a moderate amount of clothing. It will need to be retrofitted to hold something else: me.

That’s a project that, thanks to my Y chromosome and my well outfitted workshop downstairs, shouldn’t be too challenging. Swap out the bottom for some 3/4″ plywood, reinforce all the corners with L-brackets, and install a generous quantity of low-profile wheels.

Mistress will also want some sort of way to lock it from the outside. Nothing fancy, since I won’t be able to reach it anyway. She’s also talked about some restraints in the drawer itself, but that’s probably an add-on for the future.

I’m actually fairly nervous about this. I do have some claustrophobia that kicks in sometimes. We haven’t really played that much with it. I’m a bit worried that I’ll have more trouble with that kind of panic now that I’ve fully transitioned from male to female. I’m just more emotionally volatile. One example is that I had to safeword on the severe bondage hood that I used to absolutely love to wear. It freaked me out.

The drawer itself is long enough to fit me (being about the length of the bed frame). There is also plenty of width — almost enough for two people. But the height is my biggest concern. Based on the dimensions, I think my nose will just barely rub as the drawer is opened and closed, unless I turn my head. Plus it will be dark.

Mistress talks fondly of “being able to just put me in the drawer for the night”. I hope I can live up to her expectations. This is really going to stretch me in some edgy ways.

She continues to talk to her close friend “Tom” about all sorts of intimate details of my surgery and my new genitals. She also mentions occasionally about the “openness in our relationship”, hinting strongly that we’d entertain the idea of having sex with others. And she’s talking seriously about us making a trip to see him early next year.

I’m still not healed well enough to get back to my spanking backlog. Mistress has given me some 200 swat penalties over the last month for transgressions. But I also was forgiven 150 last week for some substantial housework. I think my current outstanding total is 868. I’m trying hard to be a good girl!

Our relationship is back of firm ground. This gender transition has really stressed her out at times. But we are returning to some normality in our daily lives. And that makes a huge difference for her. I’m pretty sure now that our relationship will survive long-term, which utterly thrills me! When she and I are good, my universe is right and joyful. And right now, I’m so grateful to be living in that.

Back in the groove

Changing from male to female has really stressed our incredibly strong relationship. It had been quite a few months since we’ve had any real substantial sexual interaction, much less kinky play. And certainly I need a break since surgery to let my new lady parts heal.

But within the last day or so we’ve had some breakthroughs. One started out simple enough. Mistress found some plastic pants that were not yet put away from our trip to Pennsylvania (for my gender surgery). We have had a small assortment of adult-size plastic and rubberized “diaper covers” from AB play in years past.

I had to wear adult diapers for several days after surgery, and these covers seemed sensible to bring. We ended up not using them. But this day she picked out the frilly lacy set with pink bows, and instructed me to wear them the rest of the day.

It might not sound like much, but it allowed her to humiliate me for hours. The crinkling of the plastic as I walked was noticeable. And she delighted even more when we went on a few errands. The light sweatpants did little to hide the sounds or the extra bulk of the plastic pants.

You might not understand how humiliation can be erotic – but for some of us it definitely is. And Mistress knows just how to push my buttons. Even though most my new genitalia are still numb from surgery, I can still feel aroused. Both at home and in public, her comments and smirks to me were very triggering that way.

This might not sound “normal” to you, but for our relationship it was a refreshing return to normality. And it seems to have made a big difference in her outlook for the future of our relationship. Having kinky play absent from our lives for so long was worrying both of us.

I’m also healed enough to be able to do things for her now (like leg massages, tasks around the house, etc). Those help reinforce her role as Dominant and my role as submissive. That had been upended recently as she cared for me for several weeks after my surgery.

She still talks a lot of needing more “male energy”, which is more than just a euphemism for “sex with men”. But I still expect that we’ll have both in our future. The topic of three-ways has been discussed, at her initiation, quite a few times.

She’s also talked more to her close friend Tom about my sex change, as well as hinted at some “openness” in our relationship. Tom’s a smart guy, but he hasn’t played any cards yet (that I know of) to follow her lead. It seems like it just might be a matter of time.

We are also still seriously discussing a new bed.

This trundle bed has a large drawer underneath on one side. Without a mattress, the drawer is just big enough for me to fit into. Mistress loves the idea of putting me in that drawer for the night sometimes. She’s also talked about restraints in the drawer, a lock on the outside, and the possibility of her having sex with someone else on the bed right above me as I’m locked in the drawer.

Long-time readers of my blog know that cuckolding has been a fascination of mine for decades. Combining it with bondage like this is really erotic for both of us. Stay tuned for more news!

I am Woman

About two weeks ago I went into a hospital in Pennsylvania, went to sleep with a penis and testicles, and woke up four hours later with them gone — replaced by a vagina, clitoris and labia. My GRS surgeon (one of the best in the country) did a great job.

It’s really done! To read more details, see my other (non-kinky) blog that focuses on being transexual: BloomingTime here on WordPress.com.

Mistress and I won’t be doing much BDSM play now. I’ve got a lot of healing to do. Six weeks off work will help. But it’s hard for me to not be doing things. I’m forcing myself to stay in bed a lot and rest as much as possible.

Mistress gave me some extra (postponed) punishments recently. I got 200 extra spankings for lifting some luggage that was over my 5 pound post-op weight restrictions. Another 200 for lifting something else yesterday (dumb). And I beat her at cribbage a few days ago, and she tacked on another 200. I was down to only 48 spanks left from before. Now it’s up to 648. Sigh.

Our former roommate and kinkling has move out. Let’s just say he didn’t play well with our pets. He also has some mental illness challenges that we just were not up to handling ourselves. This leaves us with less help around the house than we were planning. With me recovering from surgery, that leaves more for Mistress to do — and that’s just not right.

My wife/Mistress continues to miss the company of males. I think this issue will be pretty important to the development of our relationship in the future. I’m just not sure exactly how yet. She talks a lot about the importance of her friend “Tom”, and her adult son, in her life right now.

Tom lives in Florida. She talks with him by phone multiple times a day. Tom has met me recently, he’s a nice guy. My wife has told Tom quite a lot about our personal lives. Although Tom is married, he travels a lot, and we strongly suspect that he gets some action on the side at times.

So, my wife continues to drop hints to him. And she’s told me straight out that she’s like to have sex with him and make me watch. She’s pondering plans for us to go visit him. She’s also talked with him about going sightseeing with him, while I’m left in the company of some of Tom’s large, muscular and horny African American friends. No, I’m not joking.

Please feel free to ask questions about our relationship, my surgery or transition, or anything. I love to read your comments, and would be happy to respond.

GCS, Dungeons and Swinging

This is likely to be my last post as a biological male.  Please feel free to follow my gender transition progress in more detail at my BloomingTime blog here on WordPress.  When I next post, I’ll have traded my penis for a vagina.  I’m quite excited to take this final step (Gender Confirmation Surgery)!  In other news…

My wife / Mistress has been talking more about wanting heterosexual intercourse herself.  My penis has not been functional (due to the feminizing hormones) for over  year now.  I, of course, desperately want her to be happy in all ways.  So we keep talking about her having sex with men.

Even though I’m transitioning from male to female, I still want a woman for my LTR.  However, I also love to have sex with men.  Mistress knows this.  She’s arranged for it before, and it will be up to her to decide what men will have me in the future.  She also knows I have both rape and gang-bang fantasies.

Last week she sat me down so we could watch a few videos together.  They were about swinging, something she’s done in the past (before we met).  She also knows a couple who hosts swinging parties.  At some point, once I’m fully healed (6 months?) she’s talked about arranging for us to both attend one of those parties.  She’s even pondering us going to one of the larger swinging conventions/events.  Wow.

Last weekend Mistress and I attended a BDSM play party for the first time in about a year.  The location was new, and the dungeon was smaller.  But there were a lot of people there we knew, which was awesome.  We brought a friend for his first exposure to real-life, serious kinksters.  We call him our “kinkling”.  He got to see a few scenes and meet some great folks.

Although we brought two of our “toy bags”, Mistress had decided that we wouldn’t play with our kinkling present (it would be too awkward for all of us at this point).  But she couldn’t help putting me into one scene when we came across one of the dungeon rooms.

Just off of the main dungeon was a little room.  It had brick walls, and concrete for floor and ceiling.  All it contained was a metal bed and mattress.  But the mattress had an institutional 4-point restraint system at the ready.  My knees got weak.

Institutional Restraint System

I’ve had fantasies about these kinds of restraints for decades, but I’d never experienced them personally.  Mistress saw to that when she realized the effect they had on me.

Fully clothed, she had me lay down, and she quickly tightened them around my wrists and ankles.  She kissed me on the forehead, smiled her evil smile, and left.  I was “alone” and quickly determined that I could not reach any of the ties, so I literally could not escape.  Easy and 100% effective full-body bondage.

Over the next 15 minutes, my mind went wild.  I fast forwarded to being post-surgery, naked, and exposed to anyone.  My ankles were apart, so I couldn’t close my legs.  The feeling of vulnerability was stunning, and the fear this evoked surprised me.  In my mind I was blindfolded or hooded and left as a plaything for whoever wanted to explore or use my body.  At times I fought and thrashed and struggled against my bonds, of course to no avail.

I was sweating by the time Mistress returned and released me.  It took me some time to get fully back to the present, it was that intense.  She said she could see it in my eyes; she knows me well.  I can’t imagine what the next time will be like.  But she said I will certainly experience them again.

She also told me that a DM (dungeon monitor) talked to her as soon as she left me “alone”.  She explained that she wanted me to think she was leaving me there (a mind-fuck she has used on me before), but that she would be keeping a close eye on me.  I knew in this case that I was 100% safe, even if she had gone upstairs to mingle and munch with others.  But it was nice to know that good dungeon safety protocols were being followed and enforced.

Just a reminder that everything in my blog is completely true.  I am so thrilled to be living this life.  I love my wife / Mistress with all my heart.  Thanks for coming along on this journey with me.

Post-op Planning

I have a date for my surgery! In just 3 short months we will travel to the east coast. I’ll fall asleep with a penis and wake up with a vagina! I’m so thrilled and excited! OMG, I’ve waited so long for this!

Since we won’t be going to the west coast (as I blogged about last time), I won’t be able to see Ms. Dubois. And that’s a big bummer. I’m sure she could have provided some exquisite genital torture as “last rites” right before my surgery. But my wife/Mistress assures me that she will see that I do visit her dungeon for a very intense session sometime soon.

Those who have been following me here know that Mistress has teased me for years about her having sex with other men. And she often tells me fantasies about how she would involve me, sometimes just by being bound and having to watch her let another man make love to her.

Since we will soon have two vaginas in our household, she is making other plans. Over the last two weeks she’s come up with a list of four men (so far) that she says will help to “break in” my new parts. In other words, she’s going to turn me over to them for sex.

One of these men broke my man-cherry several birthdays ago (I should write a separate post about that sometime). She also initiated scenes with me and two of the other men at different times. One of the men has an even more wicked and kinky imagination than I do (which is rare!), so being at his mercy is sincerely frightening to me.

The fourth man is someone I mentioned two blog posts ago. Mistress has become good friends with him over the last year. He lives in a southern state, but travels internationally. She and “Tom” talk several times a day now. He was traveling nearby so we got to meet him a few weeks ago.

He told her about this village in Africa that he’s visited where the natives live very simply, including being nude all the time. They are very dark skinned, don’t speak english, and the men are tall and very muscular. She made a point of telling me that Tom said they are also all uncircumcised. Tom speaks many languages, including theirs.

Lately she has had this idea that, for my next birthday, she’ll send me with Tom to this village. Tom will let them know that the men can have their way with me. I envision these black giants passing me around like a rag doll, taking turns pleasuring themselves with me. Mistress can see by my intense blushing (which I can’t hide) that it’s tremendously erotic for me to think about.

Since it will take six months or so for me to heal after surgery, I would potentially be ready for intercourse sometime in April next year. Since my birthday is just a few months later, the timing seems like it would work. The way Mistress looks when she discusses this with me really makes me wonder if she is serious. I honestly think she might be.

She’s also made it clear that I won’t be the only one getting some male sexual attention around here. She’s talked about threesomes and foursomes, as well as her own special one-on-one time. Since she has been a swinger in the past, I don’t have any doubt that she would make good on any or all of that.

I’ve said it before, but I’ll mention it again. All of this is 100% true. This is my life. And I am utterly loving it. My Mistress is the best in the world — I love her with all my heart, and I know she loves me. Our relationship may sound weird to you, but neither of us would want it any other way.

Excited Times Two

Things are getting so exciting! Today I sent my paperwork to the surgeon that I’ve selected to do my Gender Confirmation Surgery. Within a week I should have a tentative date for exchanging my boy parts for girls parts. I’m so excited!

My hope and plan is to create some additional pages here about the FIVE surgeons I interviewed as part of my selection process. Everyone has have different criteria for such a choice, but I know it helped me to read online about other peoples’ information and experiences.

The second thing I’m excited about is that my wife is planning a special event for me now, just prior to surgery. This is a BDSM event that is likely to be one of the peak experiences of my life. In many ways, another dream come true!

My wife and I have met Ms. Cleo Dubois (and her fascinating partner Fakir Musafar) in person at an intense local BDSM event several years back. We also have several of her movies (Tie Me Up, and The Pain Game — both awesome).  My wife also did a little phone counseling with Ms. Dubois much earlier in our marriage, related to our budding Dominant/submissive relationship.

Anyway, my wife/Mistress has decided that she is going to arrange for Ms. Dubois to have a BDSM scene with me before my surgery. All the details are up to the two of them, and she has said she won’t be telling me anything about it.

Now a regular kinky scene with someone else in our local scene is usually very nice — intense, wonderful, painful (and of course fully consensual) — all those things a good BDSM scene should be.

But I can’t put into words the commanding presence and energy that Ms. Dubois brings to a scene. You can get a sense for it in her movies, and we were fortunate enough to see it in person.

My wife and I know that we have the intense level of energy exchange during our play that will make this an utterly amazing scene. We know because other people have seen it as they have watched us play, and afterwards they seek us out and let us know. So I feel confident that I can be a worthy plaything of Ms. Dubois, and make my Mistress proud.

My knees get weak just thinking about submitting to her. My behavior will have to be perfect, in order to please both her and my wife. It’s erotic and frightening, thrilling and scary.

I sure hope my surgery date isn’t too far in the future. I’m not sure how long I can stand the anticipation of both of these amazing events!

Several Anticipations

We have a friend coming to visit next week. My wife / Mistress has been in contact with him for at least a year now, and they seem to be able to “talk about anything”. She teases me quite regularly about how she might offer me to him for sexual pleasure. He arrives Tuesday evening, and apparently is free most of Wednesday.

It could be that it will be a vanilla visit, with no sex involved. But he has included plenty of obvious innuendo in many of his emails and texts — my wife makes sure to show them to me. Although he’s married, he travels internationally a LOT, so who knows.

I’m nervous. I get the sense that my wife would be quite willing to be shockingly spontaneous, if the situation were right. Last week she asked me if I would be willing to do a three-way with her. I said yes, of course, but I still have a lot of emotional trepidation about it for real.

She also just let me know that one of my birthday presents will be arriving soon from Extreme Restraints. It won’t be the first or last time we’ve ordered from them.

I have a hood very similar to this one that they sell. I used to just love being in it – tight, sensory deprivation, locking, ultimate head bondage. But since my transition I have found that it’s a bit too frightening now. I’ve tried to put it on a few times, and I freak out. In all my decades of going deeper and deeper into bondage, that has never happened. I’m guessing it might have to do with the feminizing hormones, and my new emotional experience of the world.

I also think I might be within a week or two of selecting a surgeon for my GCS (gender-confirming surgery).  I talked with five of them (or their office staff) extensively, getting dozens of my details questions answered. Remember that my wife is a nurse – no half-measures on this one. The list is down to two — one on each coast. One last call in just over a week, and it will be time for me to pick one and schedule a date to finally become physically female!

Lesbian cuckold?

I’ve been living full-time as a woman for almost 14 months now, and I’ve been on feminizing hormones for even longer. One thing that means is that I can’t have penetrative sex anymore. To be blunt, my cock just won’t get hard enough for me to screw someone. Like my wife.

She loves to use this to humiliate me. This hormonally-induced impotence gives her lots of fodder for teasing. She doesn’t miss any opportunity to riff on words like limp, shriveled, tiny, ineffective, useless, etc.

She will also talk about being with other men for sex. I always – and I mean always – blush when she does. It’s involuntary. She’s even made be blush like that in front of friends, and they all find it humorous. Early on it seemed like she would talk about it just to tease. I’m not so sure anymore.

Yesterday our conversation turned to sex, and she asked me if I would like it if she were to have sex with a guy. I reluctantly said that I would understand, and that I wouldn’t mind. I said I sincerely wanted her to be happy. She asked me very specifically if that was my “final answer”. I said yes.

Tonight she told me she misses “man-sex”. I apologized for not being able to provide that for her any more. She said it didn’t matter, because she can get that whenever she wants, “Right?” I had to agree. After all, I honestly do want her to be fully sexually satisfied.

I know I can still satiate her sometimes. She lets me eat her out when she wants it. I never disappoint. But she says it’s not the same as a warm, firm penis inside her. I can’t dispute that.

I’ll be picking a surgeon this week for my Gender Conforming Surgery (which will convert my genitals from male to female). I think the finality of this is part of the energy that is going on.

I still can’t tell for sure if this “lesbian cuckolding” is something that she will go through with. More and more I am thinking that she will eventually. What’s unclear to me is whether she will get hers before or after she arranges for a man to take my newfound virginity. And I have no doubt at all that she will arrange that, if she hasn’t already.