Bound and Beaten

The things I suspected my post yesterday came to pass last night. I came up to bed and my spouse/Mistress had our leather paddle quite obviously placed in the middle of the bed.

She had me lay face-down on the bed with my bare ass conveniently placed for her. As she watched TV she spanked me for about 1/2 hour. She interrogated me about recent behaviors that she didn’t like, and why I was acting like that. I gave her my answers, but in the end it came down to having been unlocked.

When she was done and my ass was red and sore, she applied the hot/cold cream as she does after my spankings, which burned more. Then she had me lock tiny (her name for my cock) back up in our cage.

She plans to visit relatives overnight later this week. They live 2 hours away, and she told me she plans to take the emergency safe keys with her. I suspect she may leave them there, far out of my reach (and likely locked in their gun safe from now on). Our bio-safe has been opening consistently well with my wife’s fingerprint, so not having the keys in our house would increase security. Mostly I think she just doesn’t want me hunting for them while she’s away.

I had gotten spoiled over the last week or so being unlocked. Using a urinal feels like a luxury that’s been taken away. And I’m back to wearing feminine pads in my panties to catch the drips after peeing.

This week I outed myself as a transsexual to 7 more people.  Four were folks in our kink community, two were friends, and one was a GLBT attorney that we’ve come to know. And this past week I had two hair removal treatments, one for my face and one for an arm. 5 weeks until my next treatments.

I’m hoping to move forward in May with getting on hormones. I’m anxious to see how quickly things might change. Then it’s time to start thinking seriously about when I will go full-time. That’s called the RLE (Real Life Experience), a time of living 24×7 as the new gender. That would require me “transitioning” at work, which involves some conversations with them about all this. Lots of details to deal with there. Some risk I could lose my job. I hope not.

Chastity leaves me so bulky between my legs. I have trouble looking female between my legs, and that’s frustrating. I am looking forward to the day when I don’t have male genitals anymore.

Mistress has informed me that she is horny and that I’m to orally service her tonight. She said she wishes she could strap my head between her thighs and keep me there all night, and piss on my head whenever she wanted. I told her I would do that for her. Time to go be her slave, which makes us both happy.

On parole

I’ve been unlocked for 1 week now, although Mistress told me she thinks she should put me back into chastity. It might even happen tonight (she’s a little ticked off at me about something). I haven’t masturbated or even played with myself. I’m staying true to Her Rules and being chaste, even without wearing my cage.

A week ago she suggested we could have sex. So later in bed I asked her if I could cum inside her. She was taken aback, and told me that’s not what she had in mind. But if that’s what I wanted, well, ok. I wasn’t expecting such accommodation, but I wasn’t about to pass up the chance for another boy-gasm.

We were both disappointed. Intercourse wasn’t that great for her, and I found my orgasm to be a letdown. We both were left wondering if our experiments with alternative, “female orgasms” with me are changing things for me. I haven’t started hormones yet, so it’s not that.

We’ve been out several times together over the last week or so, with me crossdressed and passing in public, for dinner or shopping. Once with a good friend. I’ve outed myself as a transsexual to a handful more people. It’s getting easier to talk about with people.

I’m reading a book called She’s Not There – A Life in Two Genders. The author transitioned from male to female later in life, as I am doing. Some doesn’t fit for me, a lot does; some makes me want to cry it’s so close to home. It’s well written, more of a biography with some humor. If you’re curious about transsexuality, it’s a gentle introduction.

Tax Relief

Mistress gets to make the rules. She also can change the rules. And that’s just what she did.

I’d been working hard on her business taxes, spending many many hours. She decided that (plus my work on our personal taxes) was worthy of a reward.

“When you finish the taxes,” she told me a few days ago “then I will let you cum inside me – without the four-day rule.” This was incredible news!

As I wrote in a recent post, she had decided that I must be nice and not grumpy for four days after intercourse with her, or else she would never let tiny (her name for my cock) inside her again. To earn an exception to her ultimatum was really something.

So last night I claimed my orgasm inside her. I didn’t stress about it, we just got busy with it at bedtime (when she normally would have me just pleasure her with my hand or mouth). About halfway through she seriously stimulated my nipples, which brought me over the edge in a hurry. It had been just over 3 weeks since my last orgasm.

While it was very nice, I found myself a bit disappointed. In some other recent posts I’ve discussed the “female orgasms” that I have experienced recently, with her help. This “male orgasm” felt, well, shallow in comparison. It was intense, but brief, and physically limited to tiny. Pretty quickly afterwards I was back to normal (no afterglow).

Of course, all I’ve ever known my whole life is the penis-based orgasm. But now that I’m working toward transitioning into a female, I’m finding out so many interesting things. Like how ready my body and brain was to experience a non-penis-based orgasm. And how my body responded in a very recognizably female way.

Anyway, tiny is locked back up. Despite the bulk of the cage, I can still crossdress quite effectively. Mistress sent me out shopping dressed in a pink top, some cute flats, cropped pants, and some nice jewelry. I added a little makeup too, mostly to cover my facial hair, but some eye treatment too. We both feel I look really good, and I’m not aware of anyone noticing me at all. It feels good to pass as a woman.

This coming week is busy. I’m seeing my gender transition therapist for the 2nd time. We’ll be talking about the plan and schedule from here. I hope to finally hear something definite about hormones. And later in the week I have my first laser hair removal appointment for my face. Progress!

Mistress has been using me as her urinal sometimes at bedtime. She’s getting to like how it saves her a trip to the other end of the house into a cold bathroom. I’m just loving serving her and making her happy.

I have a new blog page partway completed. It will be focused on accomplishing affordable, inescapable male chastity as we have. I’ll have more pictures, information about prices, and extra details that were not in my previous article. I hope to publish it in the next few weeks.

Intercourse Imperative

I’ve been begging my keyholder/wife/Mistress to allow me to make love to her. She’s consistently refused to let me out of chastity for that. And she is quick to point out that because tiny (her name for my cock) is so small there wouldn’t be anything in it for her. For the past week or so I have been pleading and groveling hoping to change her mind.

Often I get myself so worked up and in such a physically desperate state that I’m fondling her and rubbing myself up against her, even humping her with my caged genitals. To her it looks really pathetic as I lust at her like a horny animal. Sometimes I’m left crying, defeated with frustration. She just laughs at me.

It’s quite humiliating and she really enjoys that part. Having me locked in inescapable chastity 24×7 gives her all the power, and she employs it effortlessly. Recently she taunted me by leaning over the kitchen table to “read the newspaper”. She pushed her lovely ass out right up against my caged crotch.

I put my hands on her hips and daydreamed of sliding my cock inside her warm, wet, waiting pussy. The thought of feeling my erection against her insides drives me crazy with desire. She ignored me as I spent long, frustrating minutes grinding against her. I should be embarrassed, but I can barely contain my need for release.

She completely ignored me for a good long time. Eventually she turned around, looked me over, and burst out laughing. I was utterly humiliated. “You look so pathetic, you know that?” I lowered my head in shame and replied “Yes, Mistress.” She kept on laughing.

She has only let me inside her twice since Thanksgiving. And since we are both hoping that I will have SRS (sexual reassignment surgery) within a few years, I’ve realized that the clock is ticking. Someday soon I won’t even have a cock. That will be great in it’s own way. But it also means there is only a limited amount of time for this husband to have intercourse with his wife.

It seems she has come to a decision about this recently. “I will let you cum inside me on one condition,” she explained. I patiently listened. “If you are snippy, grumpy, short, mean, or anything like that afterwards, then it will be the very last time you will be inside me, ever.” I was speechless.

“What’s the matter?” she asked. I was still collecting my thoughts, so she continued: “You know I don’t like it when you act pissy after you orgasm, so I’m not going to stand for it. I’m serious about this. You have to promise perfect behavior afterwards, or it will never happen again.”

I pointed out that we might disagree about what constituted a violation. She was clear: “I will decide, there will be no arguments, and that’s final.” I was feeling pretty helpless. I asked how long afterwards I was expected to behave perfectly. She thought about it and said “four days”. I gasped, but nodded silently.

As I pondered all this, she said “You don’t have to agree. It’s up to you.” I responded with “But if I don’t agree, then I don’t get to cum inside you ever again.” She smiled, and just said “Yup!” My heart sank and my mind was reeling. She was totally serious about all this.

I honestly don’t know if I can meet her expectations about my behavior. I’ve seen it clearly for myself after my rare orgasms over the last six months. After a male orgasm I am more moody and less cooperative. I tend to complain more and get upset more easily. I don’t like it, but it just happens. And it’s consistent and noticeably worse after an ejaculation.

So as much as I hate to admit it, she’s right. My behavior afterwards isn’t very good sometimes, and she’s got a right to expect better — or to withhold whatever is causing the problem. In this case, giving up my male orgasms and intercourse with her does in fact result in better behavior from me. I can’t deny it.

I want to cum inside her so very much. Yet I really am worried that I will get moody afterwards. It feels out of my control. I suppose I should be able to control it. And I desperately want to make love to her. Emotionally I’m just so freaked out by this dilemma.

Intellectually, the choice is obvious: agree and have sex. Then work really, really hard for four days to act nicely. That’s the only way forward, and the possibility is that there might be more intercourse in the future.

But I feel genuinely scared that I’ll slip up, even one little bit. Then it’s over, permanently. She’ll never permit tiny inside her again – ever. I can barely stand the concept. But I don’t see that I have a choice, really.

I’m going to agree soon. I plan to make it special: candles, music, oils and massaging, going slow and enjoying the sensuality of her sexy body. I want to drink it all in and savor every inch of her and every moment. I know I’ll orgasm quickly, and I don’t want it to be over in the blink of an eye. It literally may be the last time.

So, dear reader, you think you want a dominant female to lock you up and exert 100% control over your penis? Be careful what you ask for. This isn’t a fantasy of mine, this is my real life.

Fem-O and P

Mistress just used me as her urinal. “Come here, quickly!” she called from down the hall in the bathroom. I hurried in and she directed me to kneel down so she could pee in my mouth. I positioned my head and she started pissing. I quickly swallowed repeatedly to get it all down without spilling or choking. She was giggling and smiling, and when she was done she seemed pretty pleased with how it went (so to speak).

I recently bought her a GoGirl, which is a soft rubber funnel-like thing that allows women to pee standing up. No, really – see for yourself.  Only about $13, reusable, portable, comfortable, and good for female domination too!  You might find it at a local medical supply store. I was hoping she’d use it with me.

She said she plans to use it a lot more, particularly in our bedroom in the evenings and overnight to save her trips down the hall to the bathroom. She plans to stand next to my side of the bed, relieve herself, and then just crawl right back into bed. I guess I’ll be peeing for both of us now. She also talked about how handy it will be for traveling (no more waiting for a wayside rest stop!).

I’ve had fantasies of being used this way for many years now. Of course there are plenty of on-line stories about this. But real-life isn’t always like the fantasies. For example, daytime urine usually isn’t too terrible (depending on diet, of course). But morning pee can be pretty potent, but that’s just bonus humiliation. As with so many other things, it’s up to her now going forward.

Some irony about this occurs to me. While I’m locked in chastity, I have to pee sitting down on the toilet. Now with her GoGirl, she can pee standing up. A curious reversal.

My transgender journey continues. This week I met with the psychologist who will be coordinating my overall care, including recommendations for hormones and (hopefully eventually) surgery so that I can fully transition to be a woman.

I dressed as a female for my appointment with him and it went really well. I felt confident and comfortable, and think I did well answering his questions about my background.

I’m also interacting on-line with other transgendered folks to learn and ask questions. I shared an amazing discovery from that group with my wife earlier this week: the idea that a (transitioning) male can have a female orgasm. The idea is to provide sexual and sensual stimulation that doesn’t include the male genitals. I showed her what I read on-line, and she said “We’re going to try that – tonight!”

And we did it. I had a female orgasm. A few days later we tried again and succeeded. We were both a little surprised, in fact I went into in not really believing that I could do it. But… wow.

It really helped that my wife is bisexual – she knows how to pleasure a woman’s body She also knows what a female orgasm looks like. There’s a flushing of darker color that often happens on the neck and upper chest, followed by a whole-body experience of wave after wave of amazing feelings. And she saw me go through both.

Another fascinating effect we noticed both times: tiny (her name for my cock) wasn’t hard right before, during, or after these female orgasms. It was a different physiological experience altogether. No pre-cum, no ejaculation, not even much of an attempt at erection.

I won’t go into details of exactly what we did. I want to encourage male chastity, which is in major part about orgasm denial. Finding another way to have an orgasm while in chastity sort of defeats the purpose. Actually, I’m not sure I could accomplish it by myself anyway. The first time she had tied me to the bed, and the bondage helped me to let go.

We both noticed that my post-orgasmic attitude was different — not as crabby and male.  Yet it seems tool early to report on just how that will work out longer-term. In particular, when I start taking female hormones as part of my transgender transitioning, my body is likely become even more sensitive. I’ve read that breast growth can hurt, and that nipples can be so sensitive that even clothing can feel overly intense on them. Like others, I’ll just have to deal with that (likely with a bra).

I don’t mean to make it sound like deciding to work towards a sex change is a trivial thing. It isn’t at all. This has been a life-long issue for me. My wife of 10+ years finds it easy to validate that she’s seen it in me, to some extent, all the time we’ve been together — more clearly now that our home life allows me to crossdress whenever I’m at home.

There will be a lot of upheaval in my life. I will likely be abandoned by some of my friends and family. It will be expensive and difficult in some ways. And I have never felt more comfortable, more whole, more genuine. I have some fears, but very little doubt that this is the right path for me.

No Fooling

Last night Mistress had me begging and pleading while she just laughed.

We were in bed watching between South Park episodes on DVD, and she just looked so sexy and wonderful. I started caressing her and getting turned on by her beautiful breasts and soft, warm thighs. I told her I loved her and wanted her so much.

She started teasing my nipples, which is like pouring gas on the fire of my horniness. Tiny (her name for my cock) filled his metal chastity cage and was straining against the tight bars. I could not help myself and started begging, I wanted her so very badly.

“Please, please Mistress, I want to make love to you, please!?” She just laughed and kept stimulating my nipples. “I want so much to feel you again. It’s been months since you’ve allowed me inside you. Please?!” Although I am not to ask for release or sex, she seemed willing to play along and I desperately wanted it.

“Months?” she asked. “It hasn’t been that long, has it?” I said “Four months, not since Thanksgiving.” I didn’t realize it at the time, but she did let me inside her once since then. She said “Oh, I don’t think it’s been that long. Besides, tiny couldn’t possibly satisfy me anyway.”

“Please, Mistress, let me try. I want you so much, you are so sexy and beautiful. Please let me make love to you.” She laughed again and pushed me back, then put her feet on my chest and teased my nipples with her toes. “There would be nothing in it for me. Tiny is so worthless, and I wouldn’t get any pleasure. Look at how small and pathetic he is. The last time we let him out he was definitely smaller. Clearly he’s shrinking, if that’s even possible.” I said “yes, Ma’am.”

She continued “So, I don’t see any reason at all to let you out. The truth is that it would be nice to have a real man’s cock inside me right now. A big, firm, nice stud to fuck me properly.” I lowered my head and replied “Yes, Ma’am, you deserve a quality penis to pleasure you. I want you to be happy.” She sighed, “Well, we don’t have one, do we? Just your useless bump of flesh. But hey, if you want to try, go ahead.”

She spread her legs and pulled her labia lips apart. I looked at her. “Let’s see what you can do” she teased. I moved between her thighs and placed the end of the chastity cage between her pussy lips. I gently moved it around, but I couldn’t feel anything. The cage was right up against her wonderful sex, but no sensations for me at all. “There, isn’t that nice?” she said, mocking my attempt.

I leaned forward into sort of a missionary position, my caged cock still up against her opening. It was unbelievably frustrating to feel all the feelings of intercourse except any sensation on my penis. My legs against her thighs, her upper body under mine and next to my arms, kissing her desperately. She laughed in my face. “Are you enjoying this?” she taunted. I was nearly crying. I whined that I couldn’t feel anything.

She laughed again and said “Well, I actually am really enjoying this. I can tell that you are really suffering, and I am loving that.” I meekly agreed, and told her that I was glad she was amused by it. “More than amused,” she said, giggling, “this is not only making me horny, but it’s a lot of fun too.” She went back to stimulating my nipples as I pointlessly thrashed around between her legs, trying to be careful not to bump her sensitive places with the bulky metal cage, but also dying to feel even the smallest sensation of her pussy on my cock.

Nothing. She smiled and kept going, tormenting me relentlessly. The head of my cock, when fully swollen, does protrude a bit between the bars of the chastity cage. But I get no sensation from it, probably because the skin is so tight and there is so little actual contact. So even through the cage provides some skin contact, for me it may as well be solid since I can’t get any stimulation through it.

I begged and pleaded some more, and she said “I let you have an orgasm not that long ago, remember?” Dejectedly I answered “Yes”. She said “And do you remember how poor your attitude was after that?” I couldn’t deny that. “So why in the world would I want to do that again?” she asked. “You shouldn’t, Mistress, I’m sorry. You shouldn’t allow me any more orgasms, ever.” I couldn’t believe I said that, but I did. She said “You’re right, I shouldn’t.” Ok, that was dumb, but I was still really horny.

I caressed her thigh, and she played with my nipple more. Then she pulled her labia open again to display her waiting and wet vagina. I have never been more sexually frustrated in my entire life. She kept teasing and laughing while I begged and moaned and cried. Eventually she stopped and said that it was time for me to calm down. “We need to get something up your ass. Why don’t you go for a pony ride?”

Although it sounded like a question, it wasn’t. She directed me to put the big black dildo on her riding machine. I realize that different people mean different things when they say “big”. So here’s a picture of it.

Big and black

Big and black

It had been a while, and even with lots of lube it still took some time for me to accommodate the “pony’s big black cock” in my ass. Once it was fully inside, she directed the riding speed. The pony started slow and sped up as she told me to adjust the speed. She stayed reclined on the bed, reading a book, while her pony fucked the daylight out of me.

She told me to stop, and that the pony had cum inside me, and that I should thank the pony. It was humiliating to thank her riding machine for raping my ass, but she is the Mistress and keyholder. It took about 5 minutes for me to settle down enough to dismount. It’s always sort of a sad, empty feeling when that massive dildo pulls out of my well-stretched ass. I cleaned up and joined her again in bed.

She wanted a backrub to get to sleep, which I lovingly provided. Soon she was in dreamland. My cock was still straining the cage, remembering in vivid detail when it was next to her sweet pussy. With sore balls I rolled over and tried to get to sleep.

The next day we were hugging in the kitchen and I was overcome again with desire for her. I kissed her passionately and held her, grinding my caged dick against her thigh. Again I begged to be able to make love to her. She just sighed. I pulled down my pants and humped some more, while she laughed at me. I felt her hands around the cage, just barely getting the smallest bit of sensation of the parts of tiny that were poking out between the metal bars.

“If you can find the keys, you can have me” she teased. “But the keys are locked in the safe!” I said. “Not those…” she replied. It took me a minute to understand what she meant. There is a set of backup keys that can open the safe. “But I don’t know where they are!” I cried. “No, but maybe you can find them. Maybe they’re right under your nose!” I knew she was teasing me, likely trying to get me to tear around the house half naked and crazed about sex looking for those keys.

I just couldn’t do it, feeling like there was no way I would find them. “I’ll never find them,” I cried. She just said “Oh well” and lightly patted my bare ass. I pulled my pants back up and tried to settle down by doing the dishes.

By the way, I have no April Fools stuff in my post today.  As with all my non-fiction postings, it’s all true.

Mistress just told me that tonight she plans to tie my wrists and ankles out tightly on our bed and then stimulate my nipples. She’s wants to see if I can have an orgasm (a male or female orgasm) that way. That would be nice, but I suspect it will instead be a long torment session that she enjoys much more than I do.

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