GCS, Dungeons and Swinging

This is likely to be my last post as a biological male.  Please feel free to follow my gender transition progress in more detail at my BloomingTime blog here on WordPress.  When I next post, I’ll have traded my penis for a vagina.  I’m quite excited to take this final step (Gender Confirmation Surgery)!  In other news…

My wife / Mistress has been talking more about wanting heterosexual intercourse herself.  My penis has not been functional (due to the feminizing hormones) for over  year now.  I, of course, desperately want her to be happy in all ways.  So we keep talking about her having sex with men.

Even though I’m transitioning from male to female, I still want a woman for my LTR.  However, I also love to have sex with men.  Mistress knows this.  She’s arranged for it before, and it will be up to her to decide what men will have me in the future.  She also knows I have both rape and gang-bang fantasies.

Last week she sat me down so we could watch a few videos together.  They were about swinging, something she’s done in the past (before we met).  She also knows a couple who hosts swinging parties.  At some point, once I’m fully healed (6 months?) she’s talked about arranging for us to both attend one of those parties.  She’s even pondering us going to one of the larger swinging conventions/events.  Wow.

Last weekend Mistress and I attended a BDSM play party for the first time in about a year.  The location was new, and the dungeon was smaller.  But there were a lot of people there we knew, which was awesome.  We brought a friend for his first exposure to real-life, serious kinksters.  We call him our “kinkling”.  He got to see a few scenes and meet some great folks.

Although we brought two of our “toy bags”, Mistress had decided that we wouldn’t play with our kinkling present (it would be too awkward for all of us at this point).  But she couldn’t help putting me into one scene when we came across one of the dungeon rooms.

Just off of the main dungeon was a little room.  It had brick walls, and concrete for floor and ceiling.  All it contained was a metal bed and mattress.  But the mattress had an institutional 4-point restraint system at the ready.  My knees got weak.

Institutional Restraint System

Institutional Restraint System

I’ve had fantasies about these kinds of restraints for decades, but I’d never experienced them personally.  Mistress saw to that when she realized the effect they had on me.

Fully clothed, she had me lay down, and she quickly tightened them around my wrists and ankles.  She kissed me on the forehead, smiled her evil smile, and left.  I was “alone” and quickly determined that I could not reach any of the ties, so I literally could not escape.  Easy and 100% effective full-body bondage.

Over the next 15 minutes, my mind went wild.  I fast forwarded to being post-surgery, naked, and exposed to anyone.  My ankles were apart, so I couldn’t close my legs.  The feeling of vulnerability was stunning, and the fear this evoked surprised me.  In my mind I was blindfolded or hooded and left as a plaything for whoever wanted to explore or use my body.  At times I fought and thrashed and struggled against my bonds, of course to no avail.

I was sweating by the time Mistress returned and released me.  It took me some time to get fully back to the present, it was that intense.  She said she could see it in my eyes; she knows me well.  I can’t imagine what the next time will be like.  But she said I will certainly experience them again.

She also told me that a DM (dungeon monitor) talked to her as soon as she left me “alone”.  She explained that she wanted me to think she was leaving me there (a mind-fuck she has used on me before), but that she would be keeping a close eye on me.  I knew in this case that I was 100% safe, even if she had gone upstairs to mingle and munch with others.  But it was nice to know that good dungeon safety protocols were being followed and enforced.

Just a reminder that everything in my blog is completely true.  I am so thrilled to be living this life.  I love my wife / Mistress with all my heart.  Thanks for coming along on this journey with me.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Quite a few things haven’t changed since my last post about 7 weeks ago. Mistress still has me eating out of one of my two dog dishes for all my meals (unless I have permission). She’s talked about bringing one with us to a restaurant soon. But apparently I’ve been good enough to be allowed to use a regular spoon from our main silverware (rather than one of our reject “crummy” spoons).

She also still uses me as her nighttime urinal on occasion. And I’ve not been permitted any boygasms in months, just an occasional girlgasm every week or two. Humiliation play is nearly every day. She has a male friend who will visit later this year, and she talks a lot about how they will treat me when while he stays with us.

But some things have changed…

We had a death in the family just days after Christmas, so the holidays had some sadness. Mistress has the additional title of “executrix” temporarily. I’m supporting her through both grief and the logistics of handling that estate. Losing a parent to cancer is hard.

Just recently we’ve started talking seriously about having a male slave move in with us. “R” lived with us about 9 years ago for some months. He’s a service-oriented submissive, and he would love nothing more than to “serve two women”. It will be an interesting pecking order, with my wife as my Mistress and his Ma’am, I would continue to be her submissive pet but his dominant Miss. He would submit to us both.

Mistress and I have discussed some plans, including having R out for a few weeks soon as a trial. If things seem like a good fit, it sounds like he will ask to move in with us permanently. That’s even after learning that his service will almost certainly include BDSM, enforced chastity, an ownership mark (tattoo), and plenty of household duties.

Something I’m personally looking forward to this year is GRS. My surgeon consultation is still scheduled for the end of March, after which we can set a date to exchange tiny for a vagina. Exciting!

I’m also utterly thrilled to report that hormones have enabled me to grow B-cup breasts. The guideline is usually “one cup size smaller than your mother or sisters”. My mom has B’s. Mistress and I are both pretty pleased with the size of my “girls”, and this means we don’t have to bother with breast-augmentation as yet another surgical procedure.

I continue to think that biologically I was very ripe for being a female. I believe science will someday help us understand transsexuality better, including its causes and treatments. For me, I am so very happy to finally be the woman I’ve dreamed of being. I’m grateful each and every day. I’m more compassionate and loving, more calm and peaceful.

I’d be happy to entertain questions in the comments. Happy New Year!

Paving the way?

I’ll probably appear to be a bit fixated on this topic, but I wanted to share a conversation from last night while it’s still fresh in my mind.

My wife revisited the “jealousy” topic (see my prior post) after we went to bed. She wanted to talk about it more, in some detail. It surprised me.

She started out saying she wanted to be sure she understood how I thought I would feel if she were to have sex with another guy.  “So, you’re telling me you wouldn’t be jealous?” she asked.

“Well, like I said before, if it threatened our relationship, like if you wanted him instead of me as a life partner, then yes, I think it would be terribly hurtful for me. Not in a erotic humiliation sort of way, but in a severe depression and life sucks sort of way.” I continued, “But if it was just sex and not a deeper, emotional relationship, then… I don’t think I’d be jealous.”

She still seemed surprised. “I just don’t get that,” she said.

I asked her “Well, how would you feel if I had an affair?” Her response was immediate and firm. “Oh, that’s easy. I’d leave you immediately and we would get a divorce as soon as possible. I hope that’s clear. Is it?” I said “Yes, Ma’am, very clear. That will never happen.”

There is no doubt that this is a female-led relationship, that she is the dominant, and that I am her submissive.

“Let’s walk through a scenario,” she said. “You imagine it happening for real, and tell me how you feel.”

She continued. “You come home from work someday, and things look a bit messier than usual in the house, like maybe I’ve been distracted most of the day. You don’t find me downstairs, but hear something upstairs and come into our bedroom. There you see me naked on the bed with another man. We’re having sex, and the room smells like we’ve been doing it for hours. I don’t hear you, as I’m just about to orgasm again, and I do, making quite a bit of noise. Then I do notice you, and tell you to shut up and sit down. What do you do?”.

I said “I’d quietly sit down, without saying ‘Yes, Ma’am, right away’ as you’ve instructed, because you said to shut up.” She replied “Very good. And how would you feel?”

I pondered this, trying to put myself into this mythical situation. It was difficult to separate the idea of this really happening from a fantasy (one I’ve had many times). I answered her, “Well, I would feel surprised, shocked, and maybe a little hurt. But I’d also feel somewhat good that you were enjoying yourself so much, being sexually satisfied by him.”

Then she asked “How about if he was giving me oral sex? How would you feel about that?” That answer seemed easier: “I’d feel a little more hurt by that, since I really enjoy going down on you, and it’s something I can still do.” She didn’t miss the opportunity to rub it in, saying “Yes, I guess that is the one way you can still satisfy me sexually. We both know that, thanks to the hormones, tiny is more worthless than ever.”

She put her hand down my pajamas to check tiny’s status and said “This is turning you on, isn’t it?” I had to admit that it was (it always does). The answer to her question was obvious, but despite that, we both knew that there wasn’t enough there for me to sexually satisfy her. My size, thickness, and firmness has substantially decreased; a year of feminizing hormones will do that.

She rolled over onto her stomach, and put a hand down between her legs. She made a point of telling me “I’m going to masturbate now, thinking about having sex with a black guy I met at a swingers party before I met you. He had a magnificent cock. I gave him a bj back then. I might still have his email address. It might be time to reconnect. Mmmmm.” She started moaning and bucking her hips. I put my hand on her thigh to feel her gyrate until she came, relaxed, and got quiet.

It feels like I’ve just gone past that point — where those who want to be cuckolded suddenly realize that this might not be just a fantasy anymore, and that it’s truly out of their control. Maybe she’s just mindfucking me again. But what if she isn’t?

And yes, it really did happen like this last night.

Femcuck?

My wife asked me today if I have ever been jealous, not just with her, but at all with anyone. I had to stop and think. And even then, I wasn’t sure.

My trust in her is so high, and we have such a strong relationship built on honesty and communication, that it’s truly never come up for me. Fidelity (or even flirting) in my previous marriage wasn’t an issue either.

So I find myself with about 30 years of married life and no real opportunities for me to feel jealous. Is that weird?

I also realized that my wife has never expressed significant interest in someone other than me. So it’s probably fair to say that we’ve never “gone there”.

The astute reader of my blog will recall that I’ve shared many stories here that my wife has told me about black men that she’s had sex with. They are great stories, and I see myself as a cuckold candidate because those stories turn me on. But they have always only been stories that she uses to humiliate me.  After all, what kind of husband gets turned on hearing about his wife being unfaithful?

She took her questioning on the topic further, by asking flat out: “Do you think you’d feel jealous if I really did fuck another guy?” Again, I think it was weird that I had to think about my answer so much.

Eventually my answer was: “Well, if our relationship was threatened by it, then yes, I probably would feel jealous. But if it was just sex, well, probably not. It might also depend on whether or not I was present — but I’m not sure on that part.”

Many people have a strong connection between emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy. I’m like that in my primary relationship: if we’re emotionally struggling, I’m just not going to feel like having sex.

But my wife is not like that. She and a former husband, when they were married years ago, used to go to swingers parties. And yes, participate. But their relationship didn’t have the depth ours does. Swinging has not been a part of our time together.

My wife took it further.  “So, if you came home one day and I told you I invited our friend Donny over, and rode his magnificent cock to several orgasms while you were at work, you wouldn’t be jealous?” Since I know that Donny doesn’t threaten our relationship at all, my only honest answer was “Well, no, I don’t think it would.”

“Hmmm….” she said teasingly, as she walked off towards her office (and her computer).

So my question for you is:  now that I’m a female in a married lesbian relationship, could I still be considered a cuckold?

 

My new blog

Hi peeps!

I just wanted to let you know that I’m focusing my efforts now on my new blog:  Blooming Time. The focus there is on my gender transition.

I’m adding once a week or so there. I just posted yesterday! It even talks about genitals. But not chastity or other wildly kinky stuff like I’ve shared here. That stuff will stay in this blog.

Blooming Time goes back to very early in my transgender journey. Don’t mind the hole from Aug 2012 to Aug 2013, I’ll be filling that soon.

I’ll probably pop in to check on this blog from time to time. So feel free to comment!

And if I have a really hot scene (like that breast whipping my wife keeps talking about), this is the place where I’d post about that.

I suspect that chastity, per se, won’t be part of my marriage for at least a year. But my wife does occasionally talk about what it’s going to take to lock my labia closed (after the sex-change surgery). Even then — can I be a “Locked Hubby” when even my gynecologist thinks I’m female? Can I be a “hubby” on the basis of an “invisible” Y chromosome? What do you think?

Thanks for reading!

 

My Dish

A few weeks ago Mistress noticed that I was not eating my dinner out of my dog dish.  Her rule is that, unless I have Her explicit permission, I am to only eat at home from one of my two pink dog bowls.  I brought home Subway sandwiches, and I was treating the wrapper as my “plate”.

I tried to negotiate and rationalize, but She would have none of it.  She made me an ultimatum the last time this happened, and it was clear that She was going to take this opportunity to enforce it.

“The choice is yours,” She said, “I can throw away your dish, or you can eat dog food.”  I love my dog dish, I’ve grown very attached to it.  I couldn’t stand the idea that She’d toss it into the garbage.  But I also didn’t think I could stomach actually eating dog food.

She gave me no other choices, and waited for my decision.  It was clear there was nothing I could say to change the situation, and believe me, I tried.  Finally I caved in.  Her mood changed from being stern to being elated.

Smiling and chuckling, She pulled out a can of dog food, opened it, and put a big scoop of it into my dog dish.  It was at least a full cup.  I told myself that it looked like meat and gravy — how bad could it be?

She handed me my spoon (with my dog dish I only get to eat with a crummy spoon).  She sat down and stared at me, smiling.  It was clear She was going to savor every moment of this humiliation.

“You don’t have to,” She goaded, knowing full well I wouldn’t change my mind.  I took a small amount on my spoon and ate it.  O-M-G, it was aweful!  I can’t even describe how bad it was.  I was shocked that a dog would even eat it.  And I had quite a bit left to finish.

She laughed and laughed at my disgust.  “Are you really going to finish it?”  I just glared at Her, as we both knew I would, despite how utterly degraded I felt.  Each mouthful seemed worse than the last.  I don’t know how I managed to choke it all down.  It tasted so totally terrible and disgusting.

And this made Her quite happy.  It’s important to me to please her, but this was really revolting.  She told me that the next transgression would mean only dog food for me for a week, or the loss of my dog dish for good.

In the past She has paddled my ass good and hard for such mistakes.  And She has been unhappy when I would repeat behavior like this.  But since the “dog food punishment” I have not forgotten to use my dish every single time.

I have a wise, but mean, Mistress.

A New Phase

Well, it looks like I’m well on my way to never needing to have tiny (my wife’s name for my cock) locked into a chastity device.  Several times she’s happily remarked on how well my “chemical castration” is coming along.

What she’s really referring to are the hormones I’m on as I progress in my transition to becoming female.  I’ve been on estrogen for 2 months now, with maybe a little breast, and hip growth (but hardly any so far).  The sprio though, which blocks testosterone, is what she was referring to.  It reduces the male sex drive and, over time, shrinks the testicles.

Recently I realized that my PA ring may not be long for this world.  It was integral to the 100% secure stainless steel chastity cage we used not that long ago.  But it’s getting uncomfortable now that I’m tucking my junk away to look more feminine “down there”.  And sometimes that damn ring gets really uncomfortable, squishing things in strange ways, particularly when sitting.

It also occurred to me that it may be a problem later when I go to have sexual reassignment surgery.  Since, basically, the penis is turned inside out to make a vagina, it probably won’t be good to have a hole in it.  That’s 1-2 years away at this point, but still something I’m thinking about.

I asked Mistress about it recently, and she suggested that I may as well just remove the ring.  That was a bit of a shock to consider, since my PA piercing will probably close up and heal over pretty quickly (a week or two maybe?).  What shocked me was facing the end of serious male chastity in my life.  Funny, that hit me harder than not having sex.

The extensiveness of this blog probably makes it pretty clear that chastity was a pretty important thing to me.  Masturbation, sex, and male orgasms certainly were also.  But they aren’t any more.  I’ve changed, and I’ll continue changing.  Not only has my male desire for sex been suppressed, my whole sense of sensuality is changing.  I’m amazed at how erotic simple touching can feel now.  I’ve always been a tactile-sensitive person, but hormones have turned it up to 11.

Anyway, lately I’m coming to grips with letting go of my manhood.  Chastity represented that, in a way.  My cage was an illustration of how I needed to have it controlled, lest it be out of control.  Thinking about selling my awesome metal penis prison makes me sad.  It’s a rite of passage, I suppose – if atypical.

Of course, to see me typing this with my hair up and wearing this bright, fun sun dress – you wouldn’t guess that I’m struggling with my masculinity.  And I’m not, really, I’m doing well at letting that go, because I feel so great as a woman.  But chastity – wow, letting go of that part of my life is harder.  Necessary, but a heart-felt loss.

In terms of my transition, I’m living at home and in public as a woman over half the time that I’m not at work.  My immediate family knows (parents, children, siblings), and probably 100-200 friends.  We have new friendships in the transgender and transexual community, which is wonderful.  This fall I plan to come out at my workplace, which I’m expecting to go well.  Between then and now I’ll be legally changing my name.  Serious progress.

It’s been busy, with extra appointments, investing time in new relationships, additional shopping to get my closet ready for going full-time, hair removal activities (laser, IPL, electrolysis), etc.  Mistress and I are both really looking forward to the time when we can just get on with our new lives together, without so much focus on these transitional steps.  Again, necessary, but sometimes frustrating.

And she is excited to be growing into a lesbian relationship.  Being bisexual, this is seriously working for her.  She can’t wait for me to have fuller breasts, a vagina she can have men of her choosing use, and labia she can torture.  After all, I’m still her submissive pet, regardless of my gender.

Just thought I’d update everyone.  Thanks for reading.  As always I’m open to questions and comments.

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