I am expecting my wife and keyholder to decide to return me into chastity full-time sometime over the next week. My serious skin infection is healing nicely, but being on two antibiotics has really sucked.
I’m looking forward to putting the cage back on. I haven’t even tried it out since the resizing, and I feel sad about that. The new base ring dimensions will, we hope, solve the arousal/pain problem, allowing for long-term use with no need for removal.
I posted previously about discussions that my wife and I have had about my body, genitals, and gender. She teases me sometimes about having me castrated – which apparently is a very quick and relatively simple procedure when performed by someone qualified. She recently reminded me that I’m the one that brought it up early in our relationship, something I sincerely don’t recall discussing with her. But I suppose I did. She’s even teased about turning me into a full eunuch (no genitals at all).
More substantially, though, we’ve been talking about my gender role and identity. As I’ve been able to spend many more hours per week crossdressed at home (and sometimes carefully in public), things feel different. My wife commented how happy and content I seem to be when I am in my female role.
While at face value the comment didn’t surprise me, we talked further and I realized that she had a substantial point. I feel better, more complete, whole, myself, feminine, comfortable, at ease, happier, and so on when I am presenting as a woman. We both realized this could be something deeper.
Since that conversation we’ve talked a lot more, and I’ve observed myself and my emotions more closely. I was surprised about several things. I realized I do feel somewhat resentful of having to wear my “boy clothes” to work and elsewhere in public. It occurred to me that I have disliked my body hair for decades. Now that I’ve grown out my hair, I love brushing it, and I (surprisingly) don’t resent the extra effort.
We both took the BSRI (BEM Sex Role Inventory) test on-line (you can too – please add a comment about your results). My wife scored +18, I scored +11. Most men would score below zero (e.g. -20). Now since this test was developed in the 1970s, some professionals suggest it needs to be recalibrated for societal shifts since then. Still, it’s a well known professional tool.
Another wonderful aspect of all this is that my wife is completely supportive of this journey of discovery for me. She’s helped me find some gender identity counseling resources in our area. I have my first appointment next week. And she’s made clear that she is committed to me regardless of what genitals I may (or may not) have.
Since she is bisexual and tends to find women more attractive than men in general, there’s an interesting relationship dynamic there too. She said “It would be wonderful if you could get on hormones and grow some real breasts”. She is also happy to consider us living in public as two lesbians, if that’s where things end up.
Is this just some sex-change fantasy thing? It feels like more than that (to both of us). Until recently, when I have had the safety of this relationship and her unwavering love and support, I haven’t been able to even think such thoughts. It simply wasn’t an option to even consider, so there was no sense in seeing it as any more than a fantasy. But now, my sense of self and identity feels called into question, in a sincere and somewhat frightening way.
I shared with my wife a thought experiment I came up with. Consider this: You are offered all necessary gender alteration surgeries for free with no side effects or risks – would you do it? My wife’s answer for herself is a strong no. My gut-level instinctive answer is yes, but I feel myself block that answer with all sorts of fear and rationalizations and junk.
Miguel Ruiz, in his book The Four Agreements, beautifully clarifies the role of society as responsible for “domesticating the human”. I have been domesticated as a male. But is that who I am inside? How do I integrate these seriously feminine aspects of who I am without damaging my existing relationships (e.g. family, work, etc)? I easily feel overwhelmed about this lately.
I also realized that, as long as I can orgasm, which genitals I have doesn’t matter to me that much. My wife pointed out that my strong desires for chastity and useless penis humiliation could indicate a psychological dissatisfaction with my male genitals. That blew me away.
Am I just getting off on this as a fantasy? No, these discussions don’t turn me on, if anything they illuminate the fact that I’ve fallen into a rabbit hole, destination unknown. I’m experiencing a lot of confusion, many strong emotions, some loss of that sense that I know who and what I am, and some fear that I don’t know where this will lead. I’m open to all possibilities, including remaining just as I am after some counseling to get my head straight.
Oh, and my wife made it clear that we definitely would be getting a female chastity belt for me, if I end up as a woman. She wisely knows that the sexual servant/slut part of me would have an extremely difficult time being chaste. She also clarified that she would have no interest in a dildo attachment for my belt (to fuck her), as that’s what her other (likely black) male lovers would be for. But she certainly would look forward to strapping one on herself and fucking me in all of my holes.
Since this blog is primarily intended to be about my experience in chastity, I promise to return my focus to that – as soon as I am locked back up. This is only the beginning of my gender identity journey. And likely the beginning of some long-term chastity too, very soon.
P.S. In case it needs explaining, the title of this post is a tweak to the word “ambidextrous”, whose first dictionary definition is “using both hands with equal ease”. As I explore androgyny and my feminine side, it seemed to relate.
February 17, 2012
Categories: Cuckold, Female Domination, Male Chastity, Non-fiction . Tags: Androgyny, Bisexuality, Castration, Chastity, Chastity Device, Crossdressing, Cuckold, dildo, DS, Enforced Chastity, femdom, FLR, Genital Piercing, Humiliation, Intimacy, JailBird, Kink, m2f, Male Chastity, malesub, Marriage, Orgasm, Orgasm control, Relationships, sissy, SRS, Tease and Denial, Transgender . Author: lockedhubby . Comments: Leave a comment