Changing Gears

Mistress was quite ill yesterday, and I took good care of her. Fortunately she’s feeling much better today. I stayed home from work to attend to her and help around the house with things that she isn’t ready to do yet.

I’ve been spending as much time as possible in my female role at home. It’s more than just crossdressing, I think of myself as a woman. Mistress commented on that today, sharing her observations that I am acting differently now in subtle ways but definitely more feminine ways. She also sees me as very comfortable and much more confident.

I’m feeling quite clear that I am going to stay on this path and, I hope, transition from being a man to being a woman. I consider myself a transsexual in the full sense of the word. I want to be a female in this world.

I made my first full-face laser hair removal appointment today (it’s a few weeks out). It will be so nice not to have to stress about the dark hairs on my face. Shaving only gets me so far, and I end up right on this edge of not really needing more makeup to cover it. I can pass in public with no makeup, but I’m more nervous about it.

I see my new transsexual therapist in a week. His credentials are impressive. I’m a little worried that I won’t be “good enough” for their program, but I’m trying not to stress it.

I look at my crossdressed body and I feel so right. Having breasts (even though they are fake today), smooth arms and legs, women’s clothes and shoes. I can see myself as a woman, and I feel so good about that. Sometimes I’m scared about it, but mostly I’m excited to finally be able to be who I feel I am in the world – a woman.

Having my male genitals in chastity during this time has been, well, interesting. Women’s clothes don’t tend to leave room for a package down there, especially one with an unforgiving and rigid metal cage. Dresses, skirts, tight pants – I have having a bulge. I’m growing to dislike my “man parts”. I can’t tuck them out of the way without discomfort or lumps.

I’m actually looking forward to trading my cock and balls in for labia and a vagina. Seriously. I want my body to look like I feel. I want more bulges on my chest, and no lumps between my thighs. I want to look down and see my female form and feel whole.

Mistress is being so supportive. I love her so much for helping me to open this door and walk through it. I couldn’t do it without her, and I wouldn’t do it if would risk our relationship. I now visualize us together as a lesbian couple; she sees it too. Since she’s bisexual, it is completely ok with her. Sure, she’s concerned about some parts (surgery is scary, the cost, how much will hormones change me, etc). But we are so clearly on this journey together. I love her so much.

I’ll try not to dwell on this too much here in this blog. But once in a while I’ll share my status. It’s a vital part of who I am and my life. I wish the process wasn’t so slow (although I understand it has to be). If I could wake up tomorrow fully female, I would take that option. Until that day, one (high-heeled) step at a time, I guess.

Political thought for the day:  With many US States considering constitutional amendments to permanently ban gay marriage, get this – my wife and I are married, and when I am a woman we will still be legally married (I’ve checked).  Yet as two females we could not get married.  Clearly this (discriminatory, homophobic) law is broken.  I very strongly encourage you to vote in your state against any such amendment. Peace out.

Two to One

Mistress woke me up this morning to use me to pleasure her to two orgasms. We were still in bed.

She started by arousing me. That turns her on, since we both know that I can’t orgasm or even have an erection being locked up as I am. She loves to torment me and watch me crave and beg for relief, knowing that the keys are in her sole control.

Once she had my attention, she sat her sexy naked body on my chest, then moved her crotch to be directly in my face. She grabbed my hair and pulled my face against her pussy. I didn’t need any further instructions, and began licking her clit.

She moved down a bit further so I could apply more pressure. Then she instructed me to bend my knees so my legs formed an incline for her to rest on. I continued lapping at her sex, and soon she had her first orgasm. I gently caressed her while she relaxed in her happy space.

She moved closer again, and my tongue found it’s way inside her. She started rotating her hand slowly on her sensitive nub while I orally penetrated her. I felt so happy to be pleasuring her. It didn’t take long for her second orgasm to wash over her. Then she rolled off, crawled back under the blankets, and instructed me to cuddle with her.

I thanked her for the opportunity to serve her. She just stroked my hair. I held her and let her enjoy her time of post-orgasmic bliss.

For my Saturday chores, Mistress let me wear my formal housekeeping dress instead of my everyday housekeeping dress. The formal one is black instead of light grey. And it looks best with black hose and black heels, instead of the white tights and white work shoes I normally wear. She complimented me on how nice the kitchen floor looked after I swept and hand-washed it on my hands and knees. I did lots of other chores too.

While changing for an evening event, she came up behind me and leaned me over the end of our bed. She played with my nipples, which arouses me intensely. I was only in my panties, and she was grinding her crotch against my ass pretending to fuck me. She kept stimulating me and I was moaning.

To my surprise she retrieved a dildo, slid a condom on it, lubed it up, and slid it inside me. Then she returned to playing with my nipples while she penetrated my behind. Again I was whining and moaning, craving release. Then she presented an even bigger surprise. She retrieved the keys to my chastity cage from the safe and tossed them on the bed.

“You’ve been such a good girl lately, I think I’ll allow tiny to squirt just once.” I wasted no time in removing the PA-lock and cage. My partial erection from all the stimulation made it difficult to pull the cage off my cock. Of course I managed. Then she was behind me sliding the dildo in and out while flicking one of my nipples with her other hand. I steadied myself with one hand and jerked off with the other, spraying a large amount of cum.

My orgasm was intense and wonderful, but it really struck me how brief it was. My legs were wobbly afterwards. I was really aware that the build-up and physical release was fleeting, and then it was gone and I was off cleaning up and putting things away. While I really enjoy those moments of pleasure, I somewhat regret how quickly they pass. My wife seems to enjoy much more time of post-orgasmic bliss.

Although she had two orgasms today and I had one, she’s had a total of five during this latest lockup.  Combining this with my last round, she’s had 11 orgasms to my 2 over the last 4.5 weeks.

A couple hours later Mistress interpreted something I said as harsh and snippy. “I can sure tell that you had an orgasm.” I politely disagreed, but she wouldn’t have it. “With an attitude like that, I’m not sure I’ll ever let you have another orgasm.” I stopped disagreeing.

So, my next period of chastity begins. I hope she will use me for her pleasure again soon. If I cannot orgasm, I at least want her to be happy.

Party Pounding

Mistress has been teaching me how to make love to her like a lesbian. Obviously that doesn’t include any participation by tiny (her name for my locked-up cock).

She’s had several orgasms now over the past 11 days that I’ve been in chastity. The combination of being totally denied genital stimulation and starting this transgender journey in earnest leaves me ignoring my “male parts” day-to-day. Other than washing around the cage and applying some lube, I don’t tend to think “with my little head” at all anymore.

My poll shows that a clear majority of readers of this blog don’t mind my including details of my gender transition story here, even though my intention for this blog was to be focused on chastity. By a 4-to-1 clear majority, most voters (35 = 81%) agreed with “I don’t mind chastity and TS/TG stuff in your posts; let it all hang out, dude”. The rest selected “I strongly wish you’d focus just on chastity in this blog”.

I’ll try to maintain as high a level of chastity focus here as I can. But I do concede that my gender issues are coming to the forefront of my life. I’ve started laser treatments to eliminate the dark hairs on my face. And in 2 weeks I’m being assessed for a Gender Transition program. I’m hoping to start female hormones as soon as I can.

My Mistress/wife/keyholder is totally supportive, which is incredible. We went shopping together for shoes today, with me crossdressed. It went just fine. We’ve told a few close friends, but are being cautious at this point.

In a few years, if things go well, I could complete my transition to being a female. For real. This has been an issue in my life for decades, so it’s really quite amazing to finally get to a point like this where I can foresee actualizing this part of me. And to (likely) be able to keep my marriage is rare and incredible on top of all that.

While this isn’t part of my interest in going M2F, it occurs to me that not having a penis is sort of like the ultimate chastity situation. I’ll never have a male orgasm, ever again. It’s possible that the “bottom surgery” could leave me unable to orgasm at all (but most do end up with a functional clitoris).

Last weekend Mistress and I attended a big kinky play party locally. I wore a new dress and shoes, and really looked hot! I got lots of compliments. Mistress had a new outfit too and she looked great as well (I think she was a bit jealous, actually).

At the party she had me show my chastity cage and the useless tiny inside to friends. They were impressed with the seriousness of the cage.

Later she used me for a scene. She strapped on our largest dildo and, with me on my knees, had me sucking it and gagging on it as others watched. Then she had me strip, get up on a massage table, and she fucked me hard with it.

As she was impaling my ass, she talked about the people watching, how they were laughing at how small my cock was and that it was locked up. I actually did hear people laughing. She teased that she didn’t think to bring the keys, so I shouldn’t expect any release. I felt very close to having an orgasm with her just fucking me. It was really strange.

More later. I must not daly, Mistress is waiting for me in bed upstairs.

Spurtage

Mistress released me for an orgasm last night – yay!

I came to bed after her. As I walked around to my side of the bed, I looked down and there on the bed were the keys to unlock my chastity device. I looked up and she was smiling at me.

“You’ve been such a good girl this weekend, I thought you deserved a reward,” she said. Wow, what a nice surprise that was to hear! I guess we did do a bunch of shopping together. There was a lot of intimate talking which helped us be really connected all weekend. And we redecorated the living room like she wanted.

I immediately unlocked myself, and tiny (her name for my cock) slid out of his cage for the first time in almost 3 weeks. I’ve grown accustomed to not getting aroused on my own, so I didn’t get hard right away.

She grabbed tiny and shook him around. “Wake up tiny! Time to get hard!” she taunted. I was surprised that I had to sort of work at it, both mentally and physically. Fortunately she jumped right in to help.

She started using her mouth and tongue on one of my nipples, and her fingers on the other. For me that provides a lot of stimulation, and tiny was bigger and ready for action before long.

She put some lube on tiny and started masturbating me. I zoomed into an erotic dreamland. Having had no genital stimulation at all for weeks, the sensations she provided were intense and almost overwhelming. It felt so incredibly good, so very much better than the jerking off I used to do so often by myself.

It was no longer than two minutes before I was done. Just as my orgasm started she removed her hand, and I panicked about a ruined orgasm. I begged frantically for her to continue and thankfully she obliged, smirking and stroking me and salvaging the rest of a wonderful orgasm.

She wanted me locked back up right away, so the cage went right back on. She had left the safe open so I could return the keys to it, telling me to close and lock it once the keys were safely inside. She said “I like having you be the one to lock the keys away.” She clearly enjoys the dominance embodied by that simple act.

I teased “Well, I sure hope they’re actually in there the next time you open it.” She didn’t hesitate with her response. “Oh, I’ll be checking tomorrow morning, and they better be there. I checked last time too, so don’t think I won’t notice.” Wow, she is serious about this. “Yes, Ma’am,” I responded.

I then offered to bring in the emergency key box from my car for her to inspect. We discussed that briefly, and she agreed that doing that over the next few days would be a good idea. It’s tamper- proof, and she fully expects to find it intact. And she will.

Tomorrow might be a big day in my transgender journey. My therapist will be making her recommendations about what she suggests as next steps for me. I’ve invited my wife/Mistress/keyholder to the appointment, and she plans to attend. I’m not sure what to expect, but one possibility is that she’ll give me a referral to be evaluated for starting on hormones. I also suspect I might get a referral for continued transgender and/or transexual counseling.

I’ve written a little about my gender issues here, and most of it has had a kinky or sexually playful slant. What I haven’t bored you all with is my decades of feeling different, and all the deep conversations on the topic with my wife. She’s unbelievably supportive. She also asks difficult and probing questions as we try to be certain about what choices to make.

Transsexuality isn’t a trivial issue — it’s a big deal. It deserves a lot of attention and careful consideration. It’s expensive and requires a substantial emotional investment too. Professional support and treatment is necessary. And one needs to be really certain this is right for them. Doing it for the wrong reasons is known to be a terrible mistake, and I wish to avoid that.

Since my intention is to focus on chastity in this blog, I won’t go into lots of details here. But I can continue to share the high-level steps along this journey. I’ll again request your input: please take my super quick one-question Poll (here:

). Thank you.

Poll Time

Mistress used me to achieve two orgasms for herself this weekend.

Saturday morning she woke before I did. I was asleep, face down, when I felt her climb on top of me. She was naked from the waist down and she positioned her crotch between my ass and lower back.

She leaned forward and grabbed my wrists tightly in her hands. As she held me down, she rocked her pelvis against me which stimulated her clitoris. She must have been pretty horny because it took her less than two minutes to build up to her first orgasm, which caused her to shout out.

Still holding my wrists, she laid on my back panting and enjoying those post-orgasmic feelings (the ones she has denied me for three weeks now). Soon she was back at it, bringing herself off for a second time.

As she lay on me breathing hard and recovering, she whispered “Did you like being used as an object for my pleasure?”. I answered honestly “Yes, Mistress, I am so happy to be used for your pleasure.” She replied “Good, because I will use you as I wish. As you can see, I certainly do not need your worthless cock to have my own orgasms.” I replied, “No, Ma’am.”

She climbed off me and continued. “Of course if I wanted a real cock inside me, I am free to find one. Isn’t that right?”. I said “Yes, Mistress, it’s important to me that you get the pleasure you want and need, since my puny cock cannot satisfy you.” She agreed, saying “Yes, that’s exactly right,” and then left. I was aware of how tight my cage felt, as my futile efforts at an erection were again prevented.

Saturday morning I performed my household chores in my housekeeping dress as usual. I was finishing scrubbing the kitchen and dining room floors on my hands and knees. She enjoys seeing me in such a subservient position. She remarked that the floor looked nice (she loves a clean floor). I said that I was proud of the job I was doing, that it didn’t just look clean but was clean – so clean that I’d eat off it.

She happened to be snacking on a bar, and she walked over to me. Taking a small piece off her bar, she dropped it onto the floor right in front of me. I was still on my hands and knees, and I looked up at her. “Go ahead, eat it,” she commanded. I leaned forward and ate her scrap off the floor. Then I said “Thank you, Mistress.” She took a few steps back, put her hand between her thighs, and said “Oh, that made me wet!” I know she wasn’t just saying that. It just illustrates how much she truly gets off on humiliating me.

Later this weekend we were out shopping, and she bought me a new food dish. My trough has been replaced with a pink dog dish. She also bought a small one that she said “is just right for me to pee into”. She didn’t elaborate, and I didn’t ask any further questions. More on that when it develops.

And now a request for my readers. Please take my super quick one-question poll:  

I’m finding more to write about lately with my gender identity journey, which seems somewhat likely to lead me into a transgender and possibly transexual future.

I’m still in chastity.  Today is day 19 of continuous lockup. There is no end in sight, although Mistress is unpredictable. She still teases me, and I still enjoy writing about my life as her chaste, sissy, submissive husband.

And I’m also starting a journey that may result in me transitioning into a woman. Either way it seems like my penis is out of the picture. But the two issues are quite different: chastity vs transsexuality.

Thus far I have intermixed the topics in my posts. I can continue that, or stick to just chastity. After all, this blog is called lockedHubby. That’s certainly where it all started. But I’ve also included BDSM themes as well as relationship and intimacy topics here.

I’m curious what my readers would rather I focus on in this blog. Let me know via the Poll, and I’ll share the results after a few weeks.

Male Chastity Devices

In this post I’m going to discuss some of my perspectives on male chastity devices. I will focus on their purpose and security issues. And I will detail how we dealt with these issues in my current experience of chastity.

Prevention

The two main purposes I see for locking up a man’s genitals are: control and prevention. Much has been written about the ways that a keyholder can control the sexuality and behavior of someone locked into chastity. What and how to control is a very broad topic that I will not delve into today. My links page has a few good articles about control.

Prevention is an easier topic, being more limited and practical in nature. What activities does the device prohibit? I see three primary levels of prevention: stimulation, orgasm, and intercourse. Devices can prevent all, some, or even none of these. So when selecting a device, it seems important to know what you wish to prevent, and whether a given device actually achieves that goal.

In my situation my wife/Mistress/keyholder wants to prevent orgasms and intercourse, but she also wants access for stimulation as she loves to tease and deny. To prevent stimulation as well, a properly fitting full belt style device could be used to block all access.

Devices that enclose the penis can severely limit stimulation, but many can also transmit the sensations of a vibrator. For some men such vibrations can be enough to achieve an orgasm. For others (like me), a vibrator against my chastity device can only tease, arouse, and frustrate.

Tube or cuff style devices which fully expose the glans would not work for us. A tight, even painful, shaft restriction does not prevent me from being able to masturbate to release. It’s possible that I could even have intercourse and orgasm with such a device. I think they look interesting, but I suspect they would prevent very little sexual activity for me.

Another, secondary aspect of prevention is visual. Some devices show more of the male genitals than others. Cages and clear plastic models allow the penis to be seen, whereas tubes, opaque plastic, and full belts keep the cock partially or fully out of sight. Since men are sexually visual creatures, one opinion is that the inability to see their own manhood will increase the psychological impact of a chastity device. I think that would be true for me.

One advantage to visibility is that it allows the keyholder to see and possibly access the cock for teasing. I believe cage designs offer a sweet-spot of both visibility and minimal access for stimulation while severely limiting or preventing the ability to orgasm.

Visibility is also closely related to ease of cleaning, which in turn can relate to wearing time. Having to remove a device for periodic cleaning can be desirable or undesirable. In our situation, we appreciate being able to stay clean without having to remove the device.

Another secondary prevention feature of almost all chastity devices is limiting or preventing erections. Attempts to get hard will reinforce the state of being in chastity. Sometimes this can also interrupt sleep patterns due to nocturnal erections.

Some devices offer optional spikes to more severely discourage erections. Some keyholders enjoy this punishment effect, which can discourage behaviors like using pornography or having sexual fantasies, physiologically training him to actively avoid arousing situations. Keyholders can also use it to inflict genital pain by purposely arousing him.

A final secondary aspect of some devices is to prevent the use of urinals. I was able to stand and pee with my CB-3000, but not now. Always having to sit to pee reinforces being in chastity and can be humiliating. Some keyholders enjoy reinforcing this with sissiness or feminization teasing. All my boy underwear has been replaced by panties, for example.

Security

I’m going to use the word “inescapable”, but I must define it first. I consider a chastity device inescapable if the only way out of it requires: 1) damage to the device, 2) damage to the genitals, or 3) access to the key(s).

True inescapability is impossible in reality. I use the term instead to indicate a sufficiently high level of effort that the wearer would not or cannot accomplish.

I could easily escape from the CB-2000 and CB-3000 devices that we have used before. Without a piercing, I don’t believe that any ball-trap style device (even my current metal JailBird cage) could contain me. The flaccid penis can be amazingly flexible – stretching, bending, twisting, etc.

Tipping a ball-trap device forward allows me to easily pull out the back. When soft, I could just as easily slip back into it. I also know I’m creative and handy enough to easily defeat something like the Points of Intrigue. While I never did escape and masturbate, I always knew I could.

Trust enters the equation here. If chastity security relies on trust, then I don’t see the sense in spending money for a more physically secure device. In the extreme, no chastity device is even needed – the keyless keyholder just needs to set the rules (e.g. no orgasms without permission). “Faith-based” chastity, anyone? 🙂

For me, like most men interested in chastity, this level of sexual trust isn’t feasible. That’s a primary reason we get interested in chastity devices in the first place — we fail at self-control.

That’s why I am now locked into an inescapable chastity device. Neither of us wanted to have any worries once it was locked on and the keys were secured. And we’ve achieved that for much less than the cost of a full belt device (which Mistress doesn’t prefer anyway).

Like essentially all men in chastity, there is no way I would damage my chastity device or my cock in order to escape. Either type of action would be obvious to a keyholder and entail consequences much more severe than remaining in chastity. And this is a curious point to explore further.

One common consequence that a keyholder will build into a chastity agreement is the permanent termination of chastity in the relationship for breach of security. While this allows for a “safeword” style exit strategy, such a clause is likely never exercised. Being in chastity is a big deal, and ruining it forever is a huge deterrent. This aspect also eliminates lock picking as a viable approach.

A keyholder can thus leverage a strong interest in chastity into a very serious real-life chastity experience. Neither damage to the relationship nor ending chastity forever are ever seen as worth that risk. He ends up trapped, figuratively and literally.

Access to the keys can also be a trust issue. Are the keys hidden? Does she wear them (and is that really inaccessible)? Does he have a copy? How secure are the emergency keys? Again, relying on trust here defeats a goal of being in inescapable chastity. Fortunately one need not rely on trust to inexpensively attain key security.

Our Security System

The device I wear has two sets of keys. One pair of keys is for the PA-lock (which prevents pull-out). The other pair of “keys” are the only way to remove the high-security screw holding the cage to the base ring. That leaves us with two full sets of keys: her set, and an emergency set.

The emergency set of keys is encased in an inexpensive plastic key box specifically made for this purpose. Once closed, it cannot be opened without breaking it. So any access to the keys will be obvious to the keyholder. I keep this box in my car in case of a true emergency. Our agreement is that Mistress reserves the right to inspect it at any time. She has also custom-decorated the box itself, so replacing it with a new one isn’t an option.

Her set of keys is locked in a safe in our master bedroom. It’s a low-end but very secure biometric safe that opens using her fingerprint. She had me securely cable it into our closet, far away from our bed, to ensure that her fingers cannot come in contact with it while she sleeps. The safe can also be opened by a backup key, which she has hidden. Once she is confident about the safe working reliably with her fingerprint, it sounds like she will keep the backup keys with a relative (locked in their safe). Another option would be to use another emergency key box for the backup keys.

PA lock and JailBird

PA lock and JailBird

A penis piercing is a vital component of my inescapable chastity. Since a belt-style device is not for us, and since I can pull out of other devices, that only left one option. My Prince Albert piercing allows the the tip of my glans to be locked to the end of the JailBird cage. This completely prevents any possibility of pulling out.

Many other chastity devices can utilize a PA piercing to prevent pull-out. One concern I had about units with a PA “pin” was that a truly flaccid penis might stretch enough to pull off the pin. Since we wanted as short a cage as possible, this would have potentially left more shaft for “unhooking”. A longer cage might mitigate this, but at the risk of pulling on (and possibly migrating or damaging) the piercing hole.

Summary

One of our goals for chastity was to eliminate the need for trust-based chastity enforcement. A PA piercing was necessary to achieve our security goals. We also took some simple and relatively inexpensive steps to implement serious key security.

The device we selected allows for stimulation and well as easy cleaning and long-term use. The cage length restricts me to a humiliating length of less than 3 inches, and forces me to sit to pee.

The result is a device which I now wear continuously. I know I can’t escape it, and that helps. I don’t spend any effort trying to defeat it, leaving me more energy to focus on pleasing my keyholder. Your mileage may vary, but this is what we have found that works for us.

I’d love to hear your comments.

Penis? What penis?

It has been almost 3 weeks without any orgasms or even an erection. She’s had several orgasms, of course.

It’s very strange living with her rules prohibiting me from asking for release, or an orgasm, or sex, or even to offer to sexually please her (e.g. orally). She tightly retains exclusive control of both my sexuality (and hers, of course). She has even gotten upset with me lightly teasing about how she appears to be wanting sexual attention from me. If she wants it, she will tell me, she says.

This is very different from all the stories about chastity where there is lots of begging. In our house there is no begging – ever. It’s part of her sense of full control over this situation. And, I suppose, it’s a logical manifestation of her “no topping from the bottom” attitude.

So, day to day, it’s like my cock and cage don’t even exist. They are very present in my reality, of course. But it’s “out of sight, out of mind” for her, and it’s not a topic of discussion within the relationship.

That’s not to say she doesn’t sexually tease me. About every other day she will initiate something to arouse me. But it’s always 100% on her terms. She might parade her sexy nakedness in front of me, or wipe wetness from her pussy on my lips, or stimulate my nipples or tiny in his little cage. Then just quit and go back to what she was doing.

Meanwhile my daily life accommodates my penile predicament. I never get to use a urinal, only the stalls. I wash tiny and the cage each shower, and again before bed. After showering I apply a little lube around the base ring for comfort. Every week or so I replace the little rubber band that helps the PA lock stay put and keep from pinching. And I put a little WD40 in the lock now and then in the hopes that it will unlock (after all the peeing and showering) if and when Mistress ever puts the key into it.

I thought I would be struggling more. I keep waiting for blue balls or other discomfort. Instead my energy and focus seems to be totally redirected. I really, really want to please her. Not just to get unlocked, but because it makes her happy. Her happiness is extremely important to me these days.

Part of it may also be related to my gender identity issues. I sit here tonight typing in a pink nightshirt and pj bottoms, pink fluffy robe, and soft pink pom-pom slippers. My hair is down, and Mistress calls me her girl. There are times that it feels like my genitals are just in the way. I want my body to be pleasurable for her.

And she seems more interested in my feminine side lately too. Partly it’s my more demure and gentle attitude, engaging my softer side and more compassionate emotions. But she also plays around wishing that I had breasts and a pussy.

One recent afternoon she bent me over the kitchen counter, pulled up my dress, and started humping my ass like she was fucking me from behind. Then she leaned over me and caressed my breasts, whispering how she wished I had real female breasts and nipples that she could play with. Her hands moved do my crotch. “It would be so nice for you to have a vagina. I could pull on your labia right here. Wouldn’t you like to feel my fingers up inside your pussy?” It was an incredibly hot scene.

The reality, of course, is that a full M2F transition is a long, involved, expensive, and serious process. It may not be right for me, then again it may be in my future. I’ve been crossdressing for decades, and also wondering for about as long why I had to grow up as a man instead of a woman. I’m only just starting to work things out, and I have professional help on board. I’m looking into electrolysis for my facial hair, and am looking forward to discussing hormone therapy with someone over the next month or so.

My wife has taken to calling me “her girlie” at times. We’ve talked a lot, and we keep talking. Our marriage would survive a radical change like that. It sure helps that she is bisexual. But we also have a very deep relationship that we both greatly value. In the extreme, we would be a lesbian couple (ironically married in a state that doesn’t allow gay marriage!).

Which brings me to wonder about female chastity. Do any of my readers have any experience with such devices? I suspect that full metal belts are about all there really are. Of course we’ve seen the extreme piercing photos with several padlocks through the labia (but what about that lovely little clitoris?). I may have to review what AltarBoy’s site has for female chastity device reviews.

Mistress has never been a fan of waist-belt devices. That’s probably primarily due to my failed attempt to construct a wearable wait belt and front shield addition to my CB-3000 to increase security. Her medical background caused her concern about something that constantly constrictive about the waist, and particularly the skin.

So, dear readers. What say thee about female chastity devices?

Screwups

I blew my change to be released from chastity for an orgasm yesterday. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Saturday morning we woke up and were laying in bed chatting. My wife/Mistress/keyholder told me she’d like to unlock me to ensure that tiny (her name for my cock) “gets a good bath”. By this she means a good (usually harsh) scrubbing.

The prior evening we had watched Margaret Cho’s “Beautiful” comedy stand-up performance (excerpt here).  Margaret is awesome, we love her (but Cho newbies may want to check out her previous tours first). Anyway, part of her act was going off about stinky dick. So I jumped to the conclusion that my wife was concerned about that with me. Certainly that was true with the CB-3000, but I can keep the JailBird nice and clean. In addition, putting the PA lock back on is a bit of a hassle.

So, keeping my defensiveness in check, I commented back to my wife that I am very able to keep it clean, and that “a bath for tiny” really isn’t necessary. She dropped it for a short while, then brought it up again. And again I said we didn’t need to do that. You can probably guess what she said next. I didn’t see it coming – go ahead, call me an idiot.

“Well, I was going to release you today and let you have an orgasm. My plan was to get into the shower with you and let you soap up my naked body. Then I was going to wash tiny until he squirted. But twice now you argued with me about unlocking you, so you can just forget about it now.”

Fuck!  Fuck, fuck, fuck. I didn’t say that, but I thought it really loud. What a dunce.

And that was that. It’s Sunday afternoon now, and she’s not said another word about it. But that wasn’t my only screwup that day. Oh no.

In my last post I mentioned that I wanted to offer my newly hairless body to Mistress this weekend in a special way. She approved a “surprise” scene for Saturday afternoon. When the time came, I gave her a note and asked her to give me 1/2 hour to get set up, then she could come up to the bedroom.

The note outlined that I would be tied to the bed and gagged, naked (but in chastity of course). My cage would be covered to hide my useless genitals, but in a way she could rub herself on it for her pleasure if she wanted to. The rest of my body was slick with massage oil, and the note suggested she could feel free to arouse herself by rubbing her body on mine. I thought she’d enjoy a bondage/lesbian/sensually erotic scene.

Wrong.

She came into the bedroom as I was finishing up with the wrist cuffs. She said “Here, let me help” and she tightened them both and locked them to the corner bed restraints. Her enthusiasm at securing me surprised me. My ankles were already tied out. I had a ball gag in and she tightened the blindfold. “Comfy?” she asked rhetorically. I nodded. Then she left, going downstairs to her office for what I estimated was about 1/2 hour.

At this point I had no idea what was going on. I laid there bound, gagged and naked, unable to do anything but await her return. Part of me wondered if this was a way for her to reinforce the objectification – leaving me as a toy to be used if and when she wanted. Another part of me was worried that I had messed up.

When she eventually returned, I got my answer. “So, according to your note, you had a particular scene in mind, right?” I nodded weakly, concerned about where this was headed. “Well, what if I’m not interested in that? And by the way: I’m not. So let’s review your note.” She read the note to me, word for word. “It’s good you put the part in about me doing whatever I want to you, because that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

With that she sat on the bed next to me. The next 10 minutes were torture, consisting of her flicking my nipples painfully and tickling me relentlessly. I was yelling and begging for her to stop, thrashing around in my 4-point restraint. After that she took our leather paddle and reddened the inside of my thighs. Then some more tickling and belly-button stimulation which I also greatly dislike.

She tortured me as I yelled and thrashed, and I heard her laughing. Yes, she was really, truly enjoying the hell out of this. I was in tears from the torment. She said “You know I’m a sadist, right?” I nodded, as we both know that’s one of the reasons I wanted to marry her. She continued this torture for a little while longer.

But I wasn’t prepared for the next part. Behind the blindfold my eyes went wide as she asked “Where are my needles?” OMG. Just after New Years I gave her a present: scores of new hypodermic and acupuncture needles, along with alcohol wipes (this post). Through the ball gag I directed her to a dresser drawer. I could tell from her voice that she was serious.

I felt her rub a wipe on some skin on my leg, and then heard her opening one of the needle packages. “I haven’t had a chance to use these yet. And you said I can do what I want, didn’t you?” All I could do was whimper, torn between not wanting to be her pin cushion and wanting so much to sincerely please her.

“Stay still, don’t move,” she said. I felt her pinch the skin on my leg. I braced myself. I really hate needles, and she knows this. I felt the needle enter my skin as she pushed it through, and I bit hard into the rubber gag as I screamed. “That’s one,” she said, “I think we’ll start with five.” My whimpering protests were unintelligible through the gag.

I bit down hard as she swabbed, pinched and poked me four more times. Then she sat back and caressed around the areas. “Don’t thrash around now, we don’t want one of those needles poking into your testicles now, do we?” In my mind I saw a needle dangerously close to my tight scrotum poking through my chastity cage. Must … be …. still.

Seeing my blindfold had slipped, she adjusted it back into position and said “Keep this in place. If it moves again, that will be five more needles.” Ok, I think I can do that.

“Now I’m horny,” she said, and she climbed on top of me, still fully clothed. “Do not move around, I don’t want any of those needles poking me. Understand?” I nodded, truly scared for me and for her. She ground her crotch against my chest and worked herself up to an orgasm. In doing so, her chest was in my face and it moved the blindfold.

As she carefully got off of me, she noticed the blindfold was out of place again. “What did I tell you?! That means five more needles.” I whimpered and whined and begged. “Do you want more than five?” That shut me up, briefly anyway.

I felt more alcohol swabbing, followed by more skin pinching and poking. My teeth dug into the gag each time as I screamed during and cried afterwards. After the last one she laid down next to me and caressed my face, feeling my tears. I panted and calmed down, feeling very loved by her attention and grateful that the torture seemed over.

“Would you like to see?” she asked? “I’ll release one hand and you can get the rest.” She did so, and soon I sat up and removed the blindfold. I expected to see ten needles still in me. But there were none. There was just one place where two little blood spots indicated where one needle had been. Nine of the “needles” were mindfucks. I cried.

I unfastened my ankles and she covered me with a soft throw. We cuddled together, and I sobbed with my head on her chest and in her arms. I really am needlephobic, and this was an intense scene for me. Her aftercare was perfect, and eventually I settled down. We talked and processed things, we both learned some things about the other, and our intimacy deepened once again.

Overall it was an incredible scene. But she made clear that she wants to be in charge of them. Me defining the scene was not a good move on my part. I thought I was offering something new to her, but I see her point now and my error. In my quest to make her happy, I can do better.

Twice yesterday she sent me out crossdressed for errands. One to pick up dinner, and later to pick up a DVD. Today she send me out grocery shopping for ingredients for a new recipe she wanted to try. And yesterday as usual I was in my housekeeping dress for several hours cleaning floors, vacuuming, doing dishes, and other chores at home.

We have a local kink/BDSM party coming up in 2 weeks. Last time she put me and my newly received Prince Albert piercing on display (prior post here). I’m wondering if she will keep me chaste until then. That would be a full month. I’ve daydreamed about being milked at the party. I fully expect to be displayed again so people can see my cage and PA-lock.

But after this weekend I’ve learned my lesson about suggesting scenes or activities. The moral of this story? Mistress is in charge.

Out of Mind

It has been two weeks since my last orgasm, and a week and a half in 24/7 chastity. I find it interesting to observe the mental and attitude changes happening to me.

One change is that being locked in the cage is baseline now. The cage is like a part of my body. Once or twice a day I’ll become aware of it, but for the most part I don’t even think about it. That excludes times when I’m feeling aroused, as the tight grip of the cage during an attempted erection really can’t be ignored.

So for two solid weeks now I haven’t been allowed to even get hard. My cock always curves downward, it is always less than 3 inches long, and it cannot achieve it’s full thickness. Although I can touch parts of tiny (my wife’s name for my cock) through the cage, I can’t access enough of my penis to even get close to an orgasm. But I do not even attempt that, since I am no longer allowed (by written agreement) to even try to stimulate myself sexually.

At times, my wife/Mistress/keyholder will amuse herself by sexually teasing me. Sometimes she flaunts her sexy naked body when changing clothes or showering. She likes to spread her pussy lips so I can see what she is purposely denying me. Sometimes she touches my body in those ways she knows drives me crazy with sexual desire. I know she loves to watch my intense frustration, and it makes her happy when she confirms how tightly the cage constricts my engorged genitals.

But there have been only a few of those teasing times these past two weeks. Mostly life goes on, and she is busy with many things. Me being her chaste, sissy hubby is just a standard part of our everyday life now. It’s not a big deal, it’s just the way it is. She doesn’t focus on it as frequently as when we started using the new cage. To her my cock is “out of sight and out of mind.”

I’m not complaining. That wouldn’t make sense, since I wanted to be in chastity. My point is that mentally I’m finding myself adapting to being basically sexless. For a male with an average history of decades of frequent masturbation, this is a different world.

I am thinking about my own orgasms and sex for myself much, much less. Instead, I find myself driven to please Mistress. When she sighs contentedly after I’ve applied lotion and massaged her hands or feet or legs, I feel complete. It’s hard to describe the satisfaction I feel when I know I have pleased her.

Yesterday before bed she brought up her lack of interest in tiny. She said that her bisexual side is really blooming now, particularly with me crossdressing a lot more and my active exploration of my gender identity issues. I know she fantasizes sometimes about me being a fully physical female. She said “As a result, I find myself thinking less and less about tiny – if that’s even possible.”

And that’s true. She’s shown absolutely zero interest in releasing me, allowing me to orgasm, or having intercourse with me. No teasing or discussion about it even. And I’m not allowed to bring those things up. She said “I’m almost to the point where it wouldn’t matter if tiny just fell right off. But I suppose there may yet be some use for it, such as to invert it into a vagina.” Although she’s teased me with this before, she actually meant this to some degree this time.

Last night she allowed me to lick her to two orgasms. I was struck by how content and fulfilled I felt, despite having absolutely no relief for my own arousal. In fact, I barely noticed that I was also turned on (the smell of her sex always makes me try to get hard). When she was done using me for her pleasure, it felt so clear that I was fulfilling my purpose. Her happiness made me feel very happy, and that’s all I wanted.

Over the week I’ve shaved off all my body hair below the neck. I’ve never really liked having man’s body hair. I’ve always thought that really hairy guys looked gross. I don’t have a lot of body hair, but I much prefer having none. I really enjoy the sensuality of being hairless. Clothing feels different, even the air across my skin when simply walking feels different. I was also surprised at how much of my genital area I was able to shave, even with the cage on. That was a pleasant surprise.

I have an idea for sharing my newly hairless body with Mistress this weekend. I’ll write more about how that goes next time.