Paving the way?

I’ll probably appear to be a bit fixated on this topic, but I wanted to share a conversation from last night while it’s still fresh in my mind.

My wife revisited the “jealousy” topic (see my prior post) after we went to bed. She wanted to talk about it more, in some detail. It surprised me.

She started out saying she wanted to be sure she understood how I thought I would feel if she were to have sex with another guy.  “So, you’re telling me you wouldn’t be jealous?” she asked.

“Well, like I said before, if it threatened our relationship, like if you wanted him instead of me as a life partner, then yes, I think it would be terribly hurtful for me. Not in a erotic humiliation sort of way, but in a severe depression and life sucks sort of way.” I continued, “But if it was just sex and not a deeper, emotional relationship, then… I don’t think I’d be jealous.”

She still seemed surprised. “I just don’t get that,” she said.

I asked her “Well, how would you feel if I had an affair?” Her response was immediate and firm. “Oh, that’s easy. I’d leave you immediately and we would get a divorce as soon as possible. I hope that’s clear. Is it?” I said “Yes, Ma’am, very clear. That will never happen.”

There is no doubt that this is a female-led relationship, that she is the dominant, and that I am her submissive.

“Let’s walk through a scenario,” she said. “You imagine it happening for real, and tell me how you feel.”

She continued. “You come home from work someday, and things look a bit messier than usual in the house, like maybe I’ve been distracted most of the day. You don’t find me downstairs, but hear something upstairs and come into our bedroom. There you see me naked on the bed with another man. We’re having sex, and the room smells like we’ve been doing it for hours. I don’t hear you, as I’m just about to orgasm again, and I do, making quite a bit of noise. Then I do notice you, and tell you to shut up and sit down. What do you do?”.

I said “I’d quietly sit down, without saying ‘Yes, Ma’am, right away’ as you’ve instructed, because you said to shut up.” She replied “Very good. And how would you feel?”

I pondered this, trying to put myself into this mythical situation. It was difficult to separate the idea of this really happening from a fantasy (one I’ve had many times). I answered her, “Well, I would feel surprised, shocked, and maybe a little hurt. But I’d also feel somewhat good that you were enjoying yourself so much, being sexually satisfied by him.”

Then she asked “How about if he was giving me oral sex? How would you feel about that?” That answer seemed easier: “I’d feel a little more hurt by that, since I really enjoy going down on you, and it’s something I can still do.” She didn’t miss the opportunity to rub it in, saying “Yes, I guess that is the one way you can still satisfy me sexually. We both know that, thanks to the hormones, tiny is more worthless than ever.”

She put her hand down my pajamas to check tiny’s status and said “This is turning you on, isn’t it?” I had to admit that it was (it always does). The answer to her question was obvious, but despite that, we both knew that there wasn’t enough there for me to sexually satisfy her. My size, thickness, and firmness has substantially decreased; a year of feminizing hormones will do that.

She rolled over onto her stomach, and put a hand down between her legs. She made a point of telling me “I’m going to masturbate now, thinking about having sex with a black guy I met at a swingers party before I met you. He had a magnificent cock. I gave him a bj back then. I might still have his email address. It might be time to reconnect. Mmmmm.” She started moaning and bucking her hips. I put my hand on her thigh to feel her gyrate until she came, relaxed, and got quiet.

It feels like I’ve just gone past that point — where those who want to be cuckolded suddenly realize that this might not be just a fantasy anymore, and that it’s truly out of their control. Maybe she’s just mindfucking me again. But what if she isn’t?

And yes, it really did happen like this last night.

Femcuck?

My wife asked me today if I have ever been jealous, not just with her, but at all with anyone. I had to stop and think. And even then, I wasn’t sure.

My trust in her is so high, and we have such a strong relationship built on honesty and communication, that it’s truly never come up for me. Fidelity (or even flirting) in my previous marriage wasn’t an issue either.

So I find myself with about 30 years of married life and no real opportunities for me to feel jealous. Is that weird?

I also realized that my wife has never expressed significant interest in someone other than me. So it’s probably fair to say that we’ve never “gone there”.

The astute reader of my blog will recall that I’ve shared many stories here that my wife has told me about black men that she’s had sex with. They are great stories, and I see myself as a cuckold candidate because those stories turn me on. But they have always only been stories that she uses to humiliate me.  After all, what kind of husband gets turned on hearing about his wife being unfaithful?

She took her questioning on the topic further, by asking flat out: “Do you think you’d feel jealous if I really did fuck another guy?” Again, I think it was weird that I had to think about my answer so much.

Eventually my answer was: “Well, if our relationship was threatened by it, then yes, I probably would feel jealous. But if it was just sex, well, probably not. It might also depend on whether or not I was present — but I’m not sure on that part.”

Many people have a strong connection between emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy. I’m like that in my primary relationship: if we’re emotionally struggling, I’m just not going to feel like having sex.

But my wife is not like that. She and a former husband, when they were married years ago, used to go to swingers parties. And yes, participate. But their relationship didn’t have the depth ours does. Swinging has not been a part of our time together.

My wife took it further.  “So, if you came home one day and I told you I invited our friend Donny over, and rode his magnificent cock to several orgasms while you were at work, you wouldn’t be jealous?” Since I know that Donny doesn’t threaten our relationship at all, my only honest answer was “Well, no, I don’t think it would.”

“Hmmm….” she said teasingly, as she walked off towards her office (and her computer).

So my question for you is:  now that I’m a female in a married lesbian relationship, could I still be considered a cuckold?

 

My new blog

Hi peeps!

I just wanted to let you know that I’m focusing my efforts now on my new blog:  Blooming Time. The focus there is on my gender transition.

I’m adding once a week or so there. I just posted yesterday! It even talks about genitals. But not chastity or other wildly kinky stuff like I’ve shared here. That stuff will stay in this blog.

Blooming Time goes back to very early in my transgender journey. Don’t mind the hole from Aug 2012 to Aug 2013, I’ll be filling that soon.

I’ll probably pop in to check on this blog from time to time. So feel free to comment!

And if I have a really hot scene (like that breast whipping my wife keeps talking about), this is the place where I’d post about that.

I suspect that chastity, per se, won’t be part of my marriage for at least a year. But my wife does occasionally talk about what it’s going to take to lock my labia closed (after the sex-change surgery). Even then — can I be a “Locked Hubby” when even my gynecologist thinks I’m female? Can I be a “hubby” on the basis of an “invisible” Y chromosome? What do you think?

Thanks for reading!

 

Happy in heels

Things are still going well! I love being in the world as a woman now, instead of as a man. And unlike most married couples to find themselves wrestling with this issue (one partner being transexual), we are still going strong together. I think being openminded kinksters really helps.

I’m still eating out of my dog dishes, sometime 3 times a day. It’s so automatic now. My latest need for punishment has related to being tardy. My wife/mistress does not appreciate departing to an event with me when we are behind schedule. The last time we were 3 minutes late to meet some friends for dinner, she tacked on a penalty 5 minutes because I hurried through a yellow light (her opinion was that I ran a red light). That turned into a paddling with her favorite thick leather paddle, non-stop for the full eight minutes.

And she still has her appreciation for men of color. She rarely misses an opportunity to notice or comment on them, or even flirt with them. Humiliating me remains another past-time, making comments about my sexual inadequacy over the years as a man, and how my penis will be so much better off as a vagina anyway. There is little need for male chastity devices any more, as the female hormones have left tiny barely functional in that regard.

I can’t remember the last time she permitted me an orgasm. Several times per month, though, she instructs me to orally pleasure her, which I happily do. We both really enjoy that, and as a bonus she gets to ignore how horny it leaves me.

Our relationship is doing amazingly well, considering all we’ve been through lately. In many ways we feel closer than ever. And I’m extremely grateful for that. The next (and perhaps final) challenge for us will be the Gender Confirming Surgery (also known as SRS or GRS). She’s worried about infections and other problems. I’m still very excited to have my body fully reflect how I see myself now in the world – as a woman.

As time goes on, I’m less and less comfortable with my male genitals. They are inconvenient, as I cannot dress how I want sometimes. They are annoying, since tucking them snugly so they don’t bulge obviously under my clothes is a hassle. They hurt sometimes, as the atrophy fights with the occasional erection attempt. And mostly they no longer feel appropriate at all. I was in the shower with my wife, feeling horny, and instead of being able to rub my pussy against her thigh this damn semi-flaccid hunk of skin was flopping around. It honestly felt very wrong.

Electrolysis is a pain in the ass. I just completed my 7th trip to Dallas TX where they again removed all the active-growth hairs from my face. Eleven hours of technician time zapping and pulling those hairs one-by-one. Don’t mind the anesthetic injections — by needle into the face. Yeah, it really sucks. But most transitioning friends I know do it locally, without anesthetic, a half-hour or hour at a time. Which reminds me, I have to start that process in my genital area. It’s a strong recommendation prior to surgery down there. Apparently it’s quite painful too. So of course my wife wants to be with me during those procedures.

On the up side, I wore the cutest outfit to work yesterday! And heels, which I love. Actually, I only meant to do a brief post, as I need to be getting ready for work. Dress, jewelry, makeup, hair, and out the door.

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