Healing, slowly

I haven’t written any updates lately because there’s been little to write about. Most of my activities with my wife and Mistress have been curtailed due to issues with post-surgical healing. But things are looking up.

My first 6-7 weeks post-op went quite well. Minimal pain, considering that this was major surgery. But then things started to hurt, and hurt more. For various reasons I wasn’t able to get the medical attention I needed until last week. And even then things aren’t 100% resolved yet.

So, unfortunately, The Drawer still remains unused for it’s intended purpose. Mistress has talked about it recently, though. I’m hoping to post a few pictures of the D-rings that I mounted in The Drawer for eventual restraining uses.

I specifically asked my doctor about resuming anal sex, and she was fine with it. Since then, Mistress has made it clear that she intends to go there sometime soon. Not sure what she has in mind, stay tuned.

And for more updates about how my Gender Confirmation Surgery is really going, see my other blog “Blooming Time”.

New Bed Arrival

The new bed I described and pictured in my previous posting is going to be delivered tomorrow. Things are about to get pretty serious pretty soon in the bedtime bondage department.

We’re going to postpone setting it up for two reasons. First, the matching nightstands aren’t here yet. And Mistress needs a place to put her things. Second, I need to reinforce The Drawer.

That’s what she’s calling it: The Drawer. It’s literally a drawer that rolls under the bed. Her plan is to be able to put me in it, eventually for overnight or other special occasions. Possibly even locking it. And possibly with a serious wrist and ankle restraint system as well.

I’m certain that The Drawer is designed for holding a typical amount of clothing. I’m sure I weigh more than it can hold. So my task is to reinforce The Drawer so that it will safely hold me and operate easily. That also includes replacing the wheels (and probably adding more).

In anticipation of me being in The Drawer overnight, I purchased some Depend women’s adult diapers for me. We also have some plastic pants. Mistress has made it clear that it will not be her problem if I have to pee while I’m in The Drawer.

She’s also talked about putting me in The Drawer if and when she decides to have sex with other men in our bed. If she isn’t interested in me watching or participating, she figures it’s the next most appropriate place for me to be. I’m not sure if it’s this cuckold’s dream or nightmare.

I’m pretty scared about being claustrophobic in The Drawer. Lately I’ve tried to face some of that fear. I had our severe sensory deprivation hood modified yesterday. I took it to a local leather repair place to have the breathing hole grommet enlarged. Last night I asked Mistress to put it on me — it laces up the back tightly and then has 3 thick leather, locking straps for further cinching. I can’t see, and can barely hear. I was able to handle it, although when she tied my wrists with rope it was another level of challenge. I was able to keep from freaking out, so that was progress.

As a male, I used to love that mask without hesitation. I think my sense of bodily safety has changed now that I’m female (particularly the hormones and new genitals).

It will probably be a week or so until The Drawer is ready for it’s first use.  Stay tuned.

The New Bed

Mistress finally decided that she did indeed want the new bed. It will be delivered early next week.

Once it’s fully assembled, I’ll have to work on the larger under-bed drawer. It’s designed to be able to hold a moderate amount of clothing. It will need to be retrofitted to hold something else: me.

That’s a project that, thanks to my Y chromosome and my well outfitted workshop downstairs, shouldn’t be too challenging. Swap out the bottom for some 3/4″ plywood, reinforce all the corners with L-brackets, and install a generous quantity of low-profile wheels.

Mistress will also want some sort of way to lock it from the outside. Nothing fancy, since I won’t be able to reach it anyway. She’s also talked about some restraints in the drawer itself, but that’s probably an add-on for the future.

I’m actually fairly nervous about this. I do have some claustrophobia that kicks in sometimes. We haven’t really played that much with it. I’m a bit worried that I’ll have more trouble with that kind of panic now that I’ve fully transitioned from male to female. I’m just more emotionally volatile. One example is that I had to safeword on the severe bondage hood that I used to absolutely love to wear. It freaked me out.

The drawer itself is long enough to fit me (being about the length of the bed frame). There is also plenty of width — almost enough for two people. But the height is my biggest concern. Based on the dimensions, I think my nose will just barely rub as the drawer is opened and closed, unless I turn my head. Plus it will be dark.

Mistress talks fondly of “being able to just put me in the drawer for the night”. I hope I can live up to her expectations. This is really going to stretch me in some edgy ways.

She continues to talk to her close friend “Tom” about all sorts of intimate details of my surgery and my new genitals. She also mentions occasionally about the “openness in our relationship”, hinting strongly that we’d entertain the idea of having sex with others. And she’s talking seriously about us making a trip to see him early next year.

I’m still not healed well enough to get back to my spanking backlog. Mistress has given me some 200 swat penalties over the last month for transgressions. But I also was forgiven 150 last week for some substantial housework. I think my current outstanding total is 868. I’m trying hard to be a good girl!

Our relationship is back of firm ground. This gender transition has really stressed her out at times. But we are returning to some normality in our daily lives. And that makes a huge difference for her. I’m pretty sure now that our relationship will survive long-term, which utterly thrills me! When she and I are good, my universe is right and joyful. And right now, I’m so grateful to be living in that.

Back in the groove

Changing from male to female has really stressed our incredibly strong relationship. It had been quite a few months since we’ve had any real substantial sexual interaction, much less kinky play. And certainly I need a break since surgery to let my new lady parts heal.

But within the last day or so we’ve had some breakthroughs. One started out simple enough. Mistress found some plastic pants that were not yet put away from our trip to Pennsylvania (for my gender surgery). We have had a small assortment of adult-size plastic and rubberized “diaper covers” from AB play in years past.

I had to wear adult diapers for several days after surgery, and these covers seemed sensible to bring. We ended up not using them. But this day she picked out the frilly lacy set with pink bows, and instructed me to wear them the rest of the day.

It might not sound like much, but it allowed her to humiliate me for hours. The crinkling of the plastic as I walked was noticeable. And she delighted even more when we went on a few errands. The light sweatpants did little to hide the sounds or the extra bulk of the plastic pants.

You might not understand how humiliation can be erotic – but for some of us it definitely is. And Mistress knows just how to push my buttons. Even though most my new genitalia are still numb from surgery, I can still feel aroused. Both at home and in public, her comments and smirks to me were very triggering that way.

This might not sound “normal” to you, but for our relationship it was a refreshing return to normality. And it seems to have made a big difference in her outlook for the future of our relationship. Having kinky play absent from our lives for so long was worrying both of us.

I’m also healed enough to be able to do things for her now (like leg massages, tasks around the house, etc). Those help reinforce her role as Dominant and my role as submissive. That had been upended recently as she cared for me for several weeks after my surgery.

She still talks a lot of needing more “male energy”, which is more than just a euphemism for “sex with men”. But I still expect that we’ll have both in our future. The topic of three-ways has been discussed, at her initiation, quite a few times.

She’s also talked more to her close friend Tom about my sex change, as well as hinted at some “openness” in our relationship. Tom’s a smart guy, but he hasn’t played any cards yet (that I know of) to follow her lead. It seems like it just might be a matter of time.

We are also still seriously discussing a new bed.

trundleBed

This trundle bed has a large drawer underneath on one side. Without a mattress, the drawer is just big enough for me to fit into. Mistress loves the idea of putting me in that drawer for the night sometimes. She’s also talked about restraints in the drawer, a lock on the outside, and the possibility of her having sex with someone else on the bed right above me as I’m locked in the drawer.

Long-time readers of my blog know that cuckolding has been a fascination of mine for decades. Combining it with bondage like this is really erotic for both of us. Stay tuned for more news!

GCS, Dungeons and Swinging

This is likely to be my last post as a biological male.  Please feel free to follow my gender transition progress in more detail at my BloomingTime blog here on WordPress.  When I next post, I’ll have traded my penis for a vagina.  I’m quite excited to take this final step (Gender Confirmation Surgery)!  In other news…

My wife / Mistress has been talking more about wanting heterosexual intercourse herself.  My penis has not been functional (due to the feminizing hormones) for over  year now.  I, of course, desperately want her to be happy in all ways.  So we keep talking about her having sex with men.

Even though I’m transitioning from male to female, I still want a woman for my LTR.  However, I also love to have sex with men.  Mistress knows this.  She’s arranged for it before, and it will be up to her to decide what men will have me in the future.  She also knows I have both rape and gang-bang fantasies.

Last week she sat me down so we could watch a few videos together.  They were about swinging, something she’s done in the past (before we met).  She also knows a couple who hosts swinging parties.  At some point, once I’m fully healed (6 months?) she’s talked about arranging for us to both attend one of those parties.  She’s even pondering us going to one of the larger swinging conventions/events.  Wow.

Last weekend Mistress and I attended a BDSM play party for the first time in about a year.  The location was new, and the dungeon was smaller.  But there were a lot of people there we knew, which was awesome.  We brought a friend for his first exposure to real-life, serious kinksters.  We call him our “kinkling”.  He got to see a few scenes and meet some great folks.

Although we brought two of our “toy bags”, Mistress had decided that we wouldn’t play with our kinkling present (it would be too awkward for all of us at this point).  But she couldn’t help putting me into one scene when we came across one of the dungeon rooms.

Just off of the main dungeon was a little room.  It had brick walls, and concrete for floor and ceiling.  All it contained was a metal bed and mattress.  But the mattress had an institutional 4-point restraint system at the ready.  My knees got weak.

Institutional Restraint System

Institutional Restraint System

I’ve had fantasies about these kinds of restraints for decades, but I’d never experienced them personally.  Mistress saw to that when she realized the effect they had on me.

Fully clothed, she had me lay down, and she quickly tightened them around my wrists and ankles.  She kissed me on the forehead, smiled her evil smile, and left.  I was “alone” and quickly determined that I could not reach any of the ties, so I literally could not escape.  Easy and 100% effective full-body bondage.

Over the next 15 minutes, my mind went wild.  I fast forwarded to being post-surgery, naked, and exposed to anyone.  My ankles were apart, so I couldn’t close my legs.  The feeling of vulnerability was stunning, and the fear this evoked surprised me.  In my mind I was blindfolded or hooded and left as a plaything for whoever wanted to explore or use my body.  At times I fought and thrashed and struggled against my bonds, of course to no avail.

I was sweating by the time Mistress returned and released me.  It took me some time to get fully back to the present, it was that intense.  She said she could see it in my eyes; she knows me well.  I can’t imagine what the next time will be like.  But she said I will certainly experience them again.

She also told me that a DM (dungeon monitor) talked to her as soon as she left me “alone”.  She explained that she wanted me to think she was leaving me there (a mind-fuck she has used on me before), but that she would be keeping a close eye on me.  I knew in this case that I was 100% safe, even if she had gone upstairs to mingle and munch with others.  But it was nice to know that good dungeon safety protocols were being followed and enforced.

Just a reminder that everything in my blog is completely true.  I am so thrilled to be living this life.  I love my wife / Mistress with all my heart.  Thanks for coming along on this journey with me.

Excited Times Two

Things are getting so exciting! Today I sent my paperwork to the surgeon that I’ve selected to do my Gender Confirmation Surgery. Within a week I should have a tentative date for exchanging my boy parts for girls parts. I’m so excited!

My hope and plan is to create some additional pages here about the FIVE surgeons I interviewed as part of my selection process. Everyone has have different criteria for such a choice, but I know it helped me to read online about other peoples’ information and experiences.

The second thing I’m excited about is that my wife is planning a special event for me now, just prior to surgery. This is a BDSM event that is likely to be one of the peak experiences of my life. In many ways, another dream come true!

My wife and I have met Ms. Cleo Dubois (and her fascinating partner Fakir Musafar) in person at an intense local BDSM event several years back. We also have several of her movies (Tie Me Up, and The Pain Game — both awesome).  My wife also did a little phone counseling with Ms. Dubois much earlier in our marriage, related to our budding Dominant/submissive relationship.

Anyway, my wife/Mistress has decided that she is going to arrange for Ms. Dubois to have a BDSM scene with me before my surgery. All the details are up to the two of them, and she has said she won’t be telling me anything about it.

Now a regular kinky scene with someone else in our local scene is usually very nice — intense, wonderful, painful (and of course fully consensual) — all those things a good BDSM scene should be.

But I can’t put into words the commanding presence and energy that Ms. Dubois brings to a scene. You can get a sense for it in her movies, and we were fortunate enough to see it in person.

My wife and I know that we have the intense level of energy exchange during our play that will make this an utterly amazing scene. We know because other people have seen it as they have watched us play, and afterwards they seek us out and let us know. So I feel confident that I can be a worthy plaything of Ms. Dubois, and make my Mistress proud.

My knees get weak just thinking about submitting to her. My behavior will have to be perfect, in order to please both her and my wife. It’s erotic and frightening, thrilling and scary.

I sure hope my surgery date isn’t too far in the future. I’m not sure how long I can stand the anticipation of both of these amazing events!

Several Anticipations

We have a friend coming to visit next week. My wife / Mistress has been in contact with him for at least a year now, and they seem to be able to “talk about anything”. She teases me quite regularly about how she might offer me to him for sexual pleasure. He arrives Tuesday evening, and apparently is free most of Wednesday.

It could be that it will be a vanilla visit, with no sex involved. But he has included plenty of obvious innuendo in many of his emails and texts — my wife makes sure to show them to me. Although he’s married, he travels internationally a LOT, so who knows.

I’m nervous. I get the sense that my wife would be quite willing to be shockingly spontaneous, if the situation were right. Last week she asked me if I would be willing to do a three-way with her. I said yes, of course, but I still have a lot of emotional trepidation about it for real.

She also just let me know that one of my birthday presents will be arriving soon from Extreme Restraints. It won’t be the first or last time we’ve ordered from them.

I have a hood very similar to this one that they sell. I used to just love being in it – tight, sensory deprivation, locking, ultimate head bondage. But since my transition I have found that it’s a bit too frightening now. I’ve tried to put it on a few times, and I freak out. In all my decades of going deeper and deeper into bondage, that has never happened. I’m guessing it might have to do with the feminizing hormones, and my new emotional experience of the world.

I also think I might be within a week or two of selecting a surgeon for my GCS (gender-confirming surgery).  I talked with five of them (or their office staff) extensively, getting dozens of my details questions answered. Remember that my wife is a nurse – no half-measures on this one. The list is down to two — one on each coast. One last call in just over a week, and it will be time for me to pick one and schedule a date to finally become physically female!

Scary Saturday

So my wife and I were out to dinner a month or so ago with a couple we’ve known for a few years. But it had slipped my mind, until he walked into the restaurant, that I had given the man a blow job some time ago at a party.

So here I am, at dinner, with this man sitting across the table, his wife next to him, and my wife next to me.

I should probably also mention that my wife was the one to told me to suck him off at that party.

A few weeks later we go out dancing with them. It’s a bit awkward for us, as two women, to dance in this vanilla establishment. Our heterosexual friends didn’t get the stares that we did, especially during that one slow dance. Ah well, screw the gawkers.

Partway through our dancing, my wife tells me to invite them both to our place in a few weeks. I’m instructed to let him know that my “nibbies” (her pet name for my breasts) need some of his TLC. I’m in shock, but I do as I’m told. He graciously accepts the invitation.

You need to know that he is one of the top-notch whip masters in our local BSDM community. In other words, my wife’s plan is for him to use his whips on my breasts.

So that was supposed to happen today. But unfortunately he got ill and cancelled our plans and others. Annetta said she will reschedule.

I was already nervous, and now I have to wait even longer. Understand that being whipped isn’t the only thing on their agenda. He and my wife have been discussing what will happen at our little private party for quite a while. All she’s told me so far is that I will also be serving them throughout the party.

Last night she picked out my outfit – a black, lacy number that really flatters my figure – it’s hot! A demure black leather collar, and locking high-heel patent leather boots will complete the scene. Oh, and I’m supposed to be sure to have all our gags handy, as we don’t want to bother the neighbors regardless of what happens.

All the rest will be a surprise – for me anyway.

So in this you can probably see that our relationship is still very much intact and going extremely well. We love each other very much. And I trust her completely, enough to let her turn my body over to a friend for him to use as he sees fit.

My wife also told him about my rape fantasies (which I do indeed have). Then she told me “But since you don’t have a vagina yet, that will have to wait until later”. I know non-consensual rape is a very bad thing. But I’ll speak only for myself and say that I’ve had fantasies about being raped, as a woman, all my life. YMMV.

My wife loves to tease me, and humiliate me, including with other people. Being her devoted submissive and spouse, that is just fine with me. It’s one of the many ways I can show her how much I love her (and her dominance).

 

Boundgasm

My spouse, Mistress, and keyholder took me to a kinky party yesterday, but left me in chastity. However, I was luckier than another guy we saw there.

It’s been over 5 weeks since my last orgasm, and 23 days of continuous lock-up in my JailBird + PA-lock. Last night, though, I watched a poor guy get teased to an unbelievable degree — and he’s been denied orgasms for 57 days.

His owner had bound him (naked of course) to a suspended leather sling with plastic wrap in the dungeon at this party. She then proceeded to sexually tease him for a solid hour, stroking his cock and stopping before he could orgasm. A small audience watched.

If he got too close, she would give him some “distracting pain” to “help” him avoid an orgasm. Things like slapping the head of his cock really hard with her hand, or grabbing his balls and squeezing them hard. He got close to cumming time after time after time. But he never spurted.

I’m not sure what their agreement was, but he was begging not to orgasm. In the end he got his wish, but not before what seemed like an unbearable amount of substantial penile stimulation. His owner knew how to get him off, her hand-job technique was clearly effective. He was hard the whole time, and making the most interesting noises throughout.

His scene was still going on when Mistress decided it was time for me to submit to her and our friend. She took out our lightest leather bondage hood and secured it tightly around my head. It has a snap-on blindfold and a snap-in gag, which she left out initially.

She led me over to a bondage table, with webbing for dozens of straps to bind the limbs and torso. I’d been on it before, and knew what to do. I removed my clothes and got in position to be tied down.

Mistress kept it simple, using just 5 of the thick nylon straps to secure my wrists, ankles, and waist. Our friend joined us, and I was then blindfolded and gagged. They wasted no time and started tickling me mercilessly. I recognized the voice of the owner of the other chaste male who was tickling my feet and really enjoying watching me thrash and squirm and (try to) yell. Mistress and our friend were at my sides tickling my ribs. I felt completely out of control as my body tried uselessly to move away from the excessive stimulation. They all seemed to have a great time.

Eventually they stopped, and Mistress directed our friend to help calm me down with “smoothing” hand motions on my skin. My breathing slowed, and I settled down.

Then I felt her start stimulating my nipples. Mistress whispered to me that she wanted me to orgasm in front of everyone in our new special way. I nodded to let her know I understood and would try. At this point we’ve only done it a few times, and I wasn’t sure I could do it there in the dungeon. But, wanting to please her, I was going to try.

The nipple stimulation continued, and I continued my deep breathing, focusing not on my cock but on the growing sense of sexuality throughout my body. My cock doesn’t get very hard during these experiences — it’s not a penis-based orgasm. I felt the sensual energy building inside of me.

Then she was biting me. Mistress’ teeth dug into the flesh of my chest as her fingers continued their very arousing motions on my nipples. Then our friend began biting me on the other side, and licking my nipple as she sucked my breast skin into her mouth. The pain mixes with the pleasure for me, taking me deeper and farther.

I heard Mistress ask me if I needed more, and I nodded. The two of them continued stimulating me and biting, until finally I went over the edge. My body shuddered and I felt flushed. I strained against my bonds as I tried to arch my back and spread my legs as the orgasm spread through me. They continued stimulating me and pushing me on, until I went limp. Mistress reminded me to continue breathing as I recovered.

I wasn’t sure what to expect at the party, but it was a very nice scene. Mistress seems very interested in exploring this alternate way of pleasure for me, and she continues to show no interest in my cock. I think it’s her way of encouraging my new female sexuality to emerge.

A number of people seemed surprised when I got undressed before the scene. But I wasn’t sure if that’s because they didn’t realize I was a guy (I was wearing a new hot dress for the party), or if they hadn’t seen a stainless steel chastity cage like mine before. Either way, I was fully on display for quite a while. Being blindfolded, I have no idea who was watching during our scene.

A short while later I was dressed again, fetching Mistress some food and then massaging her feet as she chatted with others. A little while later we were back in the dungeon watching several other scenes, while I was Mistress’ footstool. It was a wonderful evening.

Bound and Beaten

The things I suspected my post yesterday came to pass last night. I came up to bed and my spouse/Mistress had our leather paddle quite obviously placed in the middle of the bed.

She had me lay face-down on the bed with my bare ass conveniently placed for her. As she watched TV she spanked me for about 1/2 hour. She interrogated me about recent behaviors that she didn’t like, and why I was acting like that. I gave her my answers, but in the end it came down to having been unlocked.

When she was done and my ass was red and sore, she applied the hot/cold cream as she does after my spankings, which burned more. Then she had me lock tiny (her name for my cock) back up in our cage.

She plans to visit relatives overnight later this week. They live 2 hours away, and she told me she plans to take the emergency safe keys with her. I suspect she may leave them there, far out of my reach (and likely locked in their gun safe from now on). Our bio-safe has been opening consistently well with my wife’s fingerprint, so not having the keys in our house would increase security. Mostly I think she just doesn’t want me hunting for them while she’s away.

I had gotten spoiled over the last week or so being unlocked. Using a urinal feels like a luxury that’s been taken away. And I’m back to wearing feminine pads in my panties to catch the drips after peeing.

This week I outed myself as a transsexual to 7 more people.  Four were folks in our kink community, two were friends, and one was a GLBT attorney that we’ve come to know. And this past week I had two hair removal treatments, one for my face and one for an arm. 5 weeks until my next treatments.

I’m hoping to move forward in May with getting on hormones. I’m anxious to see how quickly things might change. Then it’s time to start thinking seriously about when I will go full-time. That’s called the RLE (Real Life Experience), a time of living 24×7 as the new gender. That would require me “transitioning” at work, which involves some conversations with them about all this. Lots of details to deal with there. Some risk I could lose my job. I hope not.

Chastity leaves me so bulky between my legs. I have trouble looking female between my legs, and that’s frustrating. I am looking forward to the day when I don’t have male genitals anymore.

Mistress has informed me that she is horny and that I’m to orally service her tonight. She said she wishes she could strap my head between her thighs and keep me there all night, and piss on my head whenever she wanted. I told her I would do that for her. Time to go be her slave, which makes us both happy.

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