I am Woman

About two weeks ago I went into a hospital in Pennsylvania, went to sleep with a penis and testicles, and woke up four hours later with them gone — replaced by a vagina, clitoris and labia. My GRS surgeon (one of the best in the country) did a great job.

It’s really done! To read more details, see my other (non-kinky) blog that focuses on being transexual: BloomingTime here on WordPress.com.

Mistress and I won’t be doing much BDSM play now. I’ve got a lot of healing to do. Six weeks off work will help. But it’s hard for me to not be doing things. I’m forcing myself to stay in bed a lot and rest as much as possible.

Mistress gave me some extra (postponed) punishments recently. I got 200 extra spankings for lifting some luggage that was over my 5 pound post-op weight restrictions. Another 200 for lifting something else yesterday (dumb). And I beat her at cribbage a few days ago, and she tacked on another 200. I was down to only 48 spanks left from before. Now it’s up to 648. Sigh.

Our former roommate and kinkling has move out. Let’s just say he didn’t play well with our pets. He also has some mental illness challenges that we just were not up to handling ourselves. This leaves us with less help around the house than we were planning. With me recovering from surgery, that leaves more for Mistress to do — and that’s just not right.

My wife/Mistress continues to miss the company of males. I think this issue will be pretty important to the development of our relationship in the future. I’m just not sure exactly how yet. She talks a lot about the importance of her friend “Tom”, and her adult son, in her life right now.

Tom lives in Florida. She talks with him by phone multiple times a day. Tom has met me recently, he’s a nice guy. My wife has told Tom quite a lot about our personal lives. Although Tom is married, he travels a lot, and we strongly suspect that he gets some action on the side at times.

So, my wife continues to drop hints to him. And she’s told me straight out that she’s like to have sex with him and make me watch. She’s pondering plans for us to go visit him. She’s also talked with him about going sightseeing with him, while I’m left in the company of some of Tom’s large, muscular and horny African American friends. No, I’m not joking.

Please feel free to ask questions about our relationship, my surgery or transition, or anything. I love to read your comments, and would be happy to respond.

GCS, Dungeons and Swinging

This is likely to be my last post as a biological male.  Please feel free to follow my gender transition progress in more detail at my BloomingTime blog here on WordPress.  When I next post, I’ll have traded my penis for a vagina.  I’m quite excited to take this final step (Gender Confirmation Surgery)!  In other news…

My wife / Mistress has been talking more about wanting heterosexual intercourse herself.  My penis has not been functional (due to the feminizing hormones) for over  year now.  I, of course, desperately want her to be happy in all ways.  So we keep talking about her having sex with men.

Even though I’m transitioning from male to female, I still want a woman for my LTR.  However, I also love to have sex with men.  Mistress knows this.  She’s arranged for it before, and it will be up to her to decide what men will have me in the future.  She also knows I have both rape and gang-bang fantasies.

Last week she sat me down so we could watch a few videos together.  They were about swinging, something she’s done in the past (before we met).  She also knows a couple who hosts swinging parties.  At some point, once I’m fully healed (6 months?) she’s talked about arranging for us to both attend one of those parties.  She’s even pondering us going to one of the larger swinging conventions/events.  Wow.

Last weekend Mistress and I attended a BDSM play party for the first time in about a year.  The location was new, and the dungeon was smaller.  But there were a lot of people there we knew, which was awesome.  We brought a friend for his first exposure to real-life, serious kinksters.  We call him our “kinkling”.  He got to see a few scenes and meet some great folks.

Although we brought two of our “toy bags”, Mistress had decided that we wouldn’t play with our kinkling present (it would be too awkward for all of us at this point).  But she couldn’t help putting me into one scene when we came across one of the dungeon rooms.

Just off of the main dungeon was a little room.  It had brick walls, and concrete for floor and ceiling.  All it contained was a metal bed and mattress.  But the mattress had an institutional 4-point restraint system at the ready.  My knees got weak.

Institutional Restraint System

Institutional Restraint System

I’ve had fantasies about these kinds of restraints for decades, but I’d never experienced them personally.  Mistress saw to that when she realized the effect they had on me.

Fully clothed, she had me lay down, and she quickly tightened them around my wrists and ankles.  She kissed me on the forehead, smiled her evil smile, and left.  I was “alone” and quickly determined that I could not reach any of the ties, so I literally could not escape.  Easy and 100% effective full-body bondage.

Over the next 15 minutes, my mind went wild.  I fast forwarded to being post-surgery, naked, and exposed to anyone.  My ankles were apart, so I couldn’t close my legs.  The feeling of vulnerability was stunning, and the fear this evoked surprised me.  In my mind I was blindfolded or hooded and left as a plaything for whoever wanted to explore or use my body.  At times I fought and thrashed and struggled against my bonds, of course to no avail.

I was sweating by the time Mistress returned and released me.  It took me some time to get fully back to the present, it was that intense.  She said she could see it in my eyes; she knows me well.  I can’t imagine what the next time will be like.  But she said I will certainly experience them again.

She also told me that a DM (dungeon monitor) talked to her as soon as she left me “alone”.  She explained that she wanted me to think she was leaving me there (a mind-fuck she has used on me before), but that she would be keeping a close eye on me.  I knew in this case that I was 100% safe, even if she had gone upstairs to mingle and munch with others.  But it was nice to know that good dungeon safety protocols were being followed and enforced.

Just a reminder that everything in my blog is completely true.  I am so thrilled to be living this life.  I love my wife / Mistress with all my heart.  Thanks for coming along on this journey with me.

Post-op Planning

I have a date for my surgery! In just 3 short months we will travel to the east coast. I’ll fall asleep with a penis and wake up with a vagina! I’m so thrilled and excited! OMG, I’ve waited so long for this!

Since we won’t be going to the west coast (as I blogged about last time), I won’t be able to see Ms. Dubois. And that’s a big bummer. I’m sure she could have provided some exquisite genital torture as “last rites” right before my surgery. But my wife/Mistress assures me that she will see that I do visit her dungeon for a very intense session sometime soon.

Those who have been following me here know that Mistress has teased me for years about her having sex with other men. And she often tells me fantasies about how she would involve me, sometimes just by being bound and having to watch her let another man make love to her.

Since we will soon have two vaginas in our household, she is making other plans. Over the last two weeks she’s come up with a list of four men (so far) that she says will help to “break in” my new parts. In other words, she’s going to turn me over to them for sex.

One of these men broke my man-cherry several birthdays ago (I should write a separate post about that sometime). She also initiated scenes with me and two of the other men at different times. One of the men has an even more wicked and kinky imagination than I do (which is rare!), so being at his mercy is sincerely frightening to me.

The fourth man is someone I mentioned two blog posts ago. Mistress has become good friends with him over the last year. He lives in a southern state, but travels internationally. She and “Tom” talk several times a day now. He was traveling nearby so we got to meet him a few weeks ago.

He told her about this village in Africa that he’s visited where the natives live very simply, including being nude all the time. They are very dark skinned, don’t speak english, and the men are tall and very muscular. She made a point of telling me that Tom said they are also all uncircumcised. Tom speaks many languages, including theirs.

Lately she has had this idea that, for my next birthday, she’ll send me with Tom to this village. Tom will let them know that the men can have their way with me. I envision these black giants passing me around like a rag doll, taking turns pleasuring themselves with me. Mistress can see by my intense blushing (which I can’t hide) that it’s tremendously erotic for me to think about.

Since it will take six months or so for me to heal after surgery, I would potentially be ready for intercourse sometime in April next year. Since my birthday is just a few months later, the timing seems like it would work. The way Mistress looks when she discusses this with me really makes me wonder if she is serious. I honestly think she might be.

She’s also made it clear that I won’t be the only one getting some male sexual attention around here. She’s talked about threesomes and foursomes, as well as her own special one-on-one time. Since she has been a swinger in the past, I don’t have any doubt that she would make good on any or all of that.

I’ve said it before, but I’ll mention it again. All of this is 100% true. This is my life. And I am utterly loving it. My Mistress is the best in the world — I love her with all my heart, and I know she loves me. Our relationship may sound weird to you, but neither of us would want it any other way.

Excited Times Two

Things are getting so exciting! Today I sent my paperwork to the surgeon that I’ve selected to do my Gender Confirmation Surgery. Within a week I should have a tentative date for exchanging my boy parts for girls parts. I’m so excited!

My hope and plan is to create some additional pages here about the FIVE surgeons I interviewed as part of my selection process. Everyone has have different criteria for such a choice, but I know it helped me to read online about other peoples’ information and experiences.

The second thing I’m excited about is that my wife is planning a special event for me now, just prior to surgery. This is a BDSM event that is likely to be one of the peak experiences of my life. In many ways, another dream come true!

My wife and I have met Ms. Cleo Dubois (and her fascinating partner Fakir Musafar) in person at an intense local BDSM event several years back. We also have several of her movies (Tie Me Up, and The Pain Game — both awesome).  My wife also did a little phone counseling with Ms. Dubois much earlier in our marriage, related to our budding Dominant/submissive relationship.

Anyway, my wife/Mistress has decided that she is going to arrange for Ms. Dubois to have a BDSM scene with me before my surgery. All the details are up to the two of them, and she has said she won’t be telling me anything about it.

Now a regular kinky scene with someone else in our local scene is usually very nice — intense, wonderful, painful (and of course fully consensual) — all those things a good BDSM scene should be.

But I can’t put into words the commanding presence and energy that Ms. Dubois brings to a scene. You can get a sense for it in her movies, and we were fortunate enough to see it in person.

My wife and I know that we have the intense level of energy exchange during our play that will make this an utterly amazing scene. We know because other people have seen it as they have watched us play, and afterwards they seek us out and let us know. So I feel confident that I can be a worthy plaything of Ms. Dubois, and make my Mistress proud.

My knees get weak just thinking about submitting to her. My behavior will have to be perfect, in order to please both her and my wife. It’s erotic and frightening, thrilling and scary.

I sure hope my surgery date isn’t too far in the future. I’m not sure how long I can stand the anticipation of both of these amazing events!

Paving the way?

I’ll probably appear to be a bit fixated on this topic, but I wanted to share a conversation from last night while it’s still fresh in my mind.

My wife revisited the “jealousy” topic (see my prior post) after we went to bed. She wanted to talk about it more, in some detail. It surprised me.

She started out saying she wanted to be sure she understood how I thought I would feel if she were to have sex with another guy.  “So, you’re telling me you wouldn’t be jealous?” she asked.

“Well, like I said before, if it threatened our relationship, like if you wanted him instead of me as a life partner, then yes, I think it would be terribly hurtful for me. Not in a erotic humiliation sort of way, but in a severe depression and life sucks sort of way.” I continued, “But if it was just sex and not a deeper, emotional relationship, then… I don’t think I’d be jealous.”

She still seemed surprised. “I just don’t get that,” she said.

I asked her “Well, how would you feel if I had an affair?” Her response was immediate and firm. “Oh, that’s easy. I’d leave you immediately and we would get a divorce as soon as possible. I hope that’s clear. Is it?” I said “Yes, Ma’am, very clear. That will never happen.”

There is no doubt that this is a female-led relationship, that she is the dominant, and that I am her submissive.

“Let’s walk through a scenario,” she said. “You imagine it happening for real, and tell me how you feel.”

She continued. “You come home from work someday, and things look a bit messier than usual in the house, like maybe I’ve been distracted most of the day. You don’t find me downstairs, but hear something upstairs and come into our bedroom. There you see me naked on the bed with another man. We’re having sex, and the room smells like we’ve been doing it for hours. I don’t hear you, as I’m just about to orgasm again, and I do, making quite a bit of noise. Then I do notice you, and tell you to shut up and sit down. What do you do?”.

I said “I’d quietly sit down, without saying ‘Yes, Ma’am, right away’ as you’ve instructed, because you said to shut up.” She replied “Very good. And how would you feel?”

I pondered this, trying to put myself into this mythical situation. It was difficult to separate the idea of this really happening from a fantasy (one I’ve had many times). I answered her, “Well, I would feel surprised, shocked, and maybe a little hurt. But I’d also feel somewhat good that you were enjoying yourself so much, being sexually satisfied by him.”

Then she asked “How about if he was giving me oral sex? How would you feel about that?” That answer seemed easier: “I’d feel a little more hurt by that, since I really enjoy going down on you, and it’s something I can still do.” She didn’t miss the opportunity to rub it in, saying “Yes, I guess that is the one way you can still satisfy me sexually. We both know that, thanks to the hormones, tiny is more worthless than ever.”

She put her hand down my pajamas to check tiny’s status and said “This is turning you on, isn’t it?” I had to admit that it was (it always does). The answer to her question was obvious, but despite that, we both knew that there wasn’t enough there for me to sexually satisfy her. My size, thickness, and firmness has substantially decreased; a year of feminizing hormones will do that.

She rolled over onto her stomach, and put a hand down between her legs. She made a point of telling me “I’m going to masturbate now, thinking about having sex with a black guy I met at a swingers party before I met you. He had a magnificent cock. I gave him a bj back then. I might still have his email address. It might be time to reconnect. Mmmmm.” She started moaning and bucking her hips. I put my hand on her thigh to feel her gyrate until she came, relaxed, and got quiet.

It feels like I’ve just gone past that point — where those who want to be cuckolded suddenly realize that this might not be just a fantasy anymore, and that it’s truly out of their control. Maybe she’s just mindfucking me again. But what if she isn’t?

And yes, it really did happen like this last night.

Femcuck?

My wife asked me today if I have ever been jealous, not just with her, but at all with anyone. I had to stop and think. And even then, I wasn’t sure.

My trust in her is so high, and we have such a strong relationship built on honesty and communication, that it’s truly never come up for me. Fidelity (or even flirting) in my previous marriage wasn’t an issue either.

So I find myself with about 30 years of married life and no real opportunities for me to feel jealous. Is that weird?

I also realized that my wife has never expressed significant interest in someone other than me. So it’s probably fair to say that we’ve never “gone there”.

The astute reader of my blog will recall that I’ve shared many stories here that my wife has told me about black men that she’s had sex with. They are great stories, and I see myself as a cuckold candidate because those stories turn me on. But they have always only been stories that she uses to humiliate me.  After all, what kind of husband gets turned on hearing about his wife being unfaithful?

She took her questioning on the topic further, by asking flat out: “Do you think you’d feel jealous if I really did fuck another guy?” Again, I think it was weird that I had to think about my answer so much.

Eventually my answer was: “Well, if our relationship was threatened by it, then yes, I probably would feel jealous. But if it was just sex, well, probably not. It might also depend on whether or not I was present — but I’m not sure on that part.”

Many people have a strong connection between emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy. I’m like that in my primary relationship: if we’re emotionally struggling, I’m just not going to feel like having sex.

But my wife is not like that. She and a former husband, when they were married years ago, used to go to swingers parties. And yes, participate. But their relationship didn’t have the depth ours does. Swinging has not been a part of our time together.

My wife took it further.  “So, if you came home one day and I told you I invited our friend Donny over, and rode his magnificent cock to several orgasms while you were at work, you wouldn’t be jealous?” Since I know that Donny doesn’t threaten our relationship at all, my only honest answer was “Well, no, I don’t think it would.”

“Hmmm….” she said teasingly, as she walked off towards her office (and her computer).

So my question for you is:  now that I’m a female in a married lesbian relationship, could I still be considered a cuckold?

 

Happy in heels

Things are still going well! I love being in the world as a woman now, instead of as a man. And unlike most married couples to find themselves wrestling with this issue (one partner being transexual), we are still going strong together. I think being openminded kinksters really helps.

I’m still eating out of my dog dishes, sometime 3 times a day. It’s so automatic now. My latest need for punishment has related to being tardy. My wife/mistress does not appreciate departing to an event with me when we are behind schedule. The last time we were 3 minutes late to meet some friends for dinner, she tacked on a penalty 5 minutes because I hurried through a yellow light (her opinion was that I ran a red light). That turned into a paddling with her favorite thick leather paddle, non-stop for the full eight minutes.

And she still has her appreciation for men of color. She rarely misses an opportunity to notice or comment on them, or even flirt with them. Humiliating me remains another past-time, making comments about my sexual inadequacy over the years as a man, and how my penis will be so much better off as a vagina anyway. There is little need for male chastity devices any more, as the female hormones have left tiny barely functional in that regard.

I can’t remember the last time she permitted me an orgasm. Several times per month, though, she instructs me to orally pleasure her, which I happily do. We both really enjoy that, and as a bonus she gets to ignore how horny it leaves me.

Our relationship is doing amazingly well, considering all we’ve been through lately. In many ways we feel closer than ever. And I’m extremely grateful for that. The next (and perhaps final) challenge for us will be the Gender Confirming Surgery (also known as SRS or GRS). She’s worried about infections and other problems. I’m still very excited to have my body fully reflect how I see myself now in the world – as a woman.

As time goes on, I’m less and less comfortable with my male genitals. They are inconvenient, as I cannot dress how I want sometimes. They are annoying, since tucking them snugly so they don’t bulge obviously under my clothes is a hassle. They hurt sometimes, as the atrophy fights with the occasional erection attempt. And mostly they no longer feel appropriate at all. I was in the shower with my wife, feeling horny, and instead of being able to rub my pussy against her thigh this damn semi-flaccid hunk of skin was flopping around. It honestly felt very wrong.

Electrolysis is a pain in the ass. I just completed my 7th trip to Dallas TX where they again removed all the active-growth hairs from my face. Eleven hours of technician time zapping and pulling those hairs one-by-one. Don’t mind the anesthetic injections — by needle into the face. Yeah, it really sucks. But most transitioning friends I know do it locally, without anesthetic, a half-hour or hour at a time. Which reminds me, I have to start that process in my genital area. It’s a strong recommendation prior to surgery down there. Apparently it’s quite painful too. So of course my wife wants to be with me during those procedures.

On the up side, I wore the cutest outfit to work yesterday! And heels, which I love. Actually, I only meant to do a brief post, as I need to be getting ready for work. Dress, jewelry, makeup, hair, and out the door.

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