New Bed Arrival

The new bed I described and pictured in my previous posting is going to be delivered tomorrow. Things are about to get pretty serious pretty soon in the bedtime bondage department.

We’re going to postpone setting it up for two reasons. First, the matching nightstands aren’t here yet. And Mistress needs a place to put her things. Second, I need to reinforce The Drawer.

That’s what she’s calling it: The Drawer. It’s literally a drawer that rolls under the bed. Her plan is to be able to put me in it, eventually for overnight or other special occasions. Possibly even locking it. And possibly with a serious wrist and ankle restraint system as well.

I’m certain that The Drawer is designed for holding a typical amount of clothing. I’m sure I weigh more than it can hold. So my task is to reinforce The Drawer so that it will safely hold me and operate easily. That also includes replacing the wheels (and probably adding more).

In anticipation of me being in The Drawer overnight, I purchased some Depend women’s adult diapers for me. We also have some plastic pants. Mistress has made it clear that it will not be her problem if I have to pee while I’m in The Drawer.

She’s also talked about putting me in The Drawer if and when she decides to have sex with other men in our bed. If she isn’t interested in me watching or participating, she figures it’s the next most appropriate place for me to be. I’m not sure if it’s this cuckold’s dream or nightmare.

I’m pretty scared about being claustrophobic in The Drawer. Lately I’ve tried to face some of that fear. I had our severe sensory deprivation hood modified yesterday. I took it to a local leather repair place to have the breathing hole grommet enlarged. Last night I asked Mistress to put it on me — it laces up the back tightly and then has 3 thick leather, locking straps for further cinching. I can’t see, and can barely hear. I was able to handle it, although when she tied my wrists with rope it was another level of challenge. I was able to keep from freaking out, so that was progress.

As a male, I used to love that mask without hesitation. I think my sense of bodily safety has changed now that I’m female (particularly the hormones and new genitals).

It will probably be a week or so until The Drawer is ready for it’s first use.  Stay tuned.

The New Bed

Mistress finally decided that she did indeed want the new bed. It will be delivered early next week.

Once it’s fully assembled, I’ll have to work on the larger under-bed drawer. It’s designed to be able to hold a moderate amount of clothing. It will need to be retrofitted to hold something else: me.

That’s a project that, thanks to my Y chromosome and my well outfitted workshop downstairs, shouldn’t be too challenging. Swap out the bottom for some 3/4″ plywood, reinforce all the corners with L-brackets, and install a generous quantity of low-profile wheels.

Mistress will also want some sort of way to lock it from the outside. Nothing fancy, since I won’t be able to reach it anyway. She’s also talked about some restraints in the drawer itself, but that’s probably an add-on for the future.

I’m actually fairly nervous about this. I do have some claustrophobia that kicks in sometimes. We haven’t really played that much with it. I’m a bit worried that I’ll have more trouble with that kind of panic now that I’ve fully transitioned from male to female. I’m just more emotionally volatile. One example is that I had to safeword on the severe bondage hood that I used to absolutely love to wear. It freaked me out.

The drawer itself is long enough to fit me (being about the length of the bed frame). There is also plenty of width — almost enough for two people. But the height is my biggest concern. Based on the dimensions, I think my nose will just barely rub as the drawer is opened and closed, unless I turn my head. Plus it will be dark.

Mistress talks fondly of “being able to just put me in the drawer for the night”. I hope I can live up to her expectations. This is really going to stretch me in some edgy ways.

She continues to talk to her close friend “Tom” about all sorts of intimate details of my surgery and my new genitals. She also mentions occasionally about the “openness in our relationship”, hinting strongly that we’d entertain the idea of having sex with others. And she’s talking seriously about us making a trip to see him early next year.

I’m still not healed well enough to get back to my spanking backlog. Mistress has given me some 200 swat penalties over the last month for transgressions. But I also was forgiven 150 last week for some substantial housework. I think my current outstanding total is 868. I’m trying hard to be a good girl!

Our relationship is back of firm ground. This gender transition has really stressed her out at times. But we are returning to some normality in our daily lives. And that makes a huge difference for her. I’m pretty sure now that our relationship will survive long-term, which utterly thrills me! When she and I are good, my universe is right and joyful. And right now, I’m so grateful to be living in that.

Back in the groove

Changing from male to female has really stressed our incredibly strong relationship. It had been quite a few months since we’ve had any real substantial sexual interaction, much less kinky play. And certainly I need a break since surgery to let my new lady parts heal.

But within the last day or so we’ve had some breakthroughs. One started out simple enough. Mistress found some plastic pants that were not yet put away from our trip to Pennsylvania (for my gender surgery). We have had a small assortment of adult-size plastic and rubberized “diaper covers” from AB play in years past.

I had to wear adult diapers for several days after surgery, and these covers seemed sensible to bring. We ended up not using them. But this day she picked out the frilly lacy set with pink bows, and instructed me to wear them the rest of the day.

It might not sound like much, but it allowed her to humiliate me for hours. The crinkling of the plastic as I walked was noticeable. And she delighted even more when we went on a few errands. The light sweatpants did little to hide the sounds or the extra bulk of the plastic pants.

You might not understand how humiliation can be erotic – but for some of us it definitely is. And Mistress knows just how to push my buttons. Even though most my new genitalia are still numb from surgery, I can still feel aroused. Both at home and in public, her comments and smirks to me were very triggering that way.

This might not sound “normal” to you, but for our relationship it was a refreshing return to normality. And it seems to have made a big difference in her outlook for the future of our relationship. Having kinky play absent from our lives for so long was worrying both of us.

I’m also healed enough to be able to do things for her now (like leg massages, tasks around the house, etc). Those help reinforce her role as Dominant and my role as submissive. That had been upended recently as she cared for me for several weeks after my surgery.

She still talks a lot of needing more “male energy”, which is more than just a euphemism for “sex with men”. But I still expect that we’ll have both in our future. The topic of three-ways has been discussed, at her initiation, quite a few times.

She’s also talked more to her close friend Tom about my sex change, as well as hinted at some “openness” in our relationship. Tom’s a smart guy, but he hasn’t played any cards yet (that I know of) to follow her lead. It seems like it just might be a matter of time.

We are also still seriously discussing a new bed.

This trundle bed has a large drawer underneath on one side. Without a mattress, the drawer is just big enough for me to fit into. Mistress loves the idea of putting me in that drawer for the night sometimes. She’s also talked about restraints in the drawer, a lock on the outside, and the possibility of her having sex with someone else on the bed right above me as I’m locked in the drawer.

Long-time readers of my blog know that cuckolding has been a fascination of mine for decades. Combining it with bondage like this is really erotic for both of us. Stay tuned for more news!

Several Anticipations

We have a friend coming to visit next week. My wife / Mistress has been in contact with him for at least a year now, and they seem to be able to “talk about anything”. She teases me quite regularly about how she might offer me to him for sexual pleasure. He arrives Tuesday evening, and apparently is free most of Wednesday.

It could be that it will be a vanilla visit, with no sex involved. But he has included plenty of obvious innuendo in many of his emails and texts — my wife makes sure to show them to me. Although he’s married, he travels internationally a LOT, so who knows.

I’m nervous. I get the sense that my wife would be quite willing to be shockingly spontaneous, if the situation were right. Last week she asked me if I would be willing to do a three-way with her. I said yes, of course, but I still have a lot of emotional trepidation about it for real.

She also just let me know that one of my birthday presents will be arriving soon from Extreme Restraints. It won’t be the first or last time we’ve ordered from them.

I have a hood very similar to this one that they sell. I used to just love being in it – tight, sensory deprivation, locking, ultimate head bondage. But since my transition I have found that it’s a bit too frightening now. I’ve tried to put it on a few times, and I freak out. In all my decades of going deeper and deeper into bondage, that has never happened. I’m guessing it might have to do with the feminizing hormones, and my new emotional experience of the world.

I also think I might be within a week or two of selecting a surgeon for my GCS (gender-confirming surgery).  I talked with five of them (or their office staff) extensively, getting dozens of my details questions answered. Remember that my wife is a nurse – no half-measures on this one. The list is down to two — one on each coast. One last call in just over a week, and it will be time for me to pick one and schedule a date to finally become physically female!

Lesbian cuckold?

I’ve been living full-time as a woman for almost 14 months now, and I’ve been on feminizing hormones for even longer. One thing that means is that I can’t have penetrative sex anymore. To be blunt, my cock just won’t get hard enough for me to screw someone. Like my wife.

She loves to use this to humiliate me. This hormonally-induced impotence gives her lots of fodder for teasing. She doesn’t miss any opportunity to riff on words like limp, shriveled, tiny, ineffective, useless, etc.

She will also talk about being with other men for sex. I always – and I mean always – blush when she does. It’s involuntary. She’s even made be blush like that in front of friends, and they all find it humorous. Early on it seemed like she would talk about it just to tease. I’m not so sure anymore.

Yesterday our conversation turned to sex, and she asked me if I would like it if she were to have sex with a guy. I reluctantly said that I would understand, and that I wouldn’t mind. I said I sincerely wanted her to be happy. She asked me very specifically if that was my “final answer”. I said yes.

Tonight she told me she misses “man-sex”. I apologized for not being able to provide that for her any more. She said it didn’t matter, because she can get that whenever she wants, “Right?” I had to agree. After all, I honestly do want her to be fully sexually satisfied.

I know I can still satiate her sometimes. She lets me eat her out when she wants it. I never disappoint. But she says it’s not the same as a warm, firm penis inside her. I can’t dispute that.

I’ll be picking a surgeon this week for my Gender Conforming Surgery (which will convert my genitals from male to female). I think the finality of this is part of the energy that is going on.

I still can’t tell for sure if this “lesbian cuckolding” is something that she will go through with. More and more I am thinking that she will eventually. What’s unclear to me is whether she will get hers before or after she arranges for a man to take my newfound virginity. And I have no doubt at all that she will arrange that, if she hasn’t already.

 

Paving the way?

I’ll probably appear to be a bit fixated on this topic, but I wanted to share a conversation from last night while it’s still fresh in my mind.

My wife revisited the “jealousy” topic (see my prior post) after we went to bed. She wanted to talk about it more, in some detail. It surprised me.

She started out saying she wanted to be sure she understood how I thought I would feel if she were to have sex with another guy.  “So, you’re telling me you wouldn’t be jealous?” she asked.

“Well, like I said before, if it threatened our relationship, like if you wanted him instead of me as a life partner, then yes, I think it would be terribly hurtful for me. Not in a erotic humiliation sort of way, but in a severe depression and life sucks sort of way.” I continued, “But if it was just sex and not a deeper, emotional relationship, then… I don’t think I’d be jealous.”

She still seemed surprised. “I just don’t get that,” she said.

I asked her “Well, how would you feel if I had an affair?” Her response was immediate and firm. “Oh, that’s easy. I’d leave you immediately and we would get a divorce as soon as possible. I hope that’s clear. Is it?” I said “Yes, Ma’am, very clear. That will never happen.”

There is no doubt that this is a female-led relationship, that she is the dominant, and that I am her submissive.

“Let’s walk through a scenario,” she said. “You imagine it happening for real, and tell me how you feel.”

She continued. “You come home from work someday, and things look a bit messier than usual in the house, like maybe I’ve been distracted most of the day. You don’t find me downstairs, but hear something upstairs and come into our bedroom. There you see me naked on the bed with another man. We’re having sex, and the room smells like we’ve been doing it for hours. I don’t hear you, as I’m just about to orgasm again, and I do, making quite a bit of noise. Then I do notice you, and tell you to shut up and sit down. What do you do?”.

I said “I’d quietly sit down, without saying ‘Yes, Ma’am, right away’ as you’ve instructed, because you said to shut up.” She replied “Very good. And how would you feel?”

I pondered this, trying to put myself into this mythical situation. It was difficult to separate the idea of this really happening from a fantasy (one I’ve had many times). I answered her, “Well, I would feel surprised, shocked, and maybe a little hurt. But I’d also feel somewhat good that you were enjoying yourself so much, being sexually satisfied by him.”

Then she asked “How about if he was giving me oral sex? How would you feel about that?” That answer seemed easier: “I’d feel a little more hurt by that, since I really enjoy going down on you, and it’s something I can still do.” She didn’t miss the opportunity to rub it in, saying “Yes, I guess that is the one way you can still satisfy me sexually. We both know that, thanks to the hormones, tiny is more worthless than ever.”

She put her hand down my pajamas to check tiny’s status and said “This is turning you on, isn’t it?” I had to admit that it was (it always does). The answer to her question was obvious, but despite that, we both knew that there wasn’t enough there for me to sexually satisfy her. My size, thickness, and firmness has substantially decreased; a year of feminizing hormones will do that.

She rolled over onto her stomach, and put a hand down between her legs. She made a point of telling me “I’m going to masturbate now, thinking about having sex with a black guy I met at a swingers party before I met you. He had a magnificent cock. I gave him a bj back then. I might still have his email address. It might be time to reconnect. Mmmmm.” She started moaning and bucking her hips. I put my hand on her thigh to feel her gyrate until she came, relaxed, and got quiet.

It feels like I’ve just gone past that point — where those who want to be cuckolded suddenly realize that this might not be just a fantasy anymore, and that it’s truly out of their control. Maybe she’s just mindfucking me again. But what if she isn’t?

And yes, it really did happen like this last night.

Femcuck?

My wife asked me today if I have ever been jealous, not just with her, but at all with anyone. I had to stop and think. And even then, I wasn’t sure.

My trust in her is so high, and we have such a strong relationship built on honesty and communication, that it’s truly never come up for me. Fidelity (or even flirting) in my previous marriage wasn’t an issue either.

So I find myself with about 30 years of married life and no real opportunities for me to feel jealous. Is that weird?

I also realized that my wife has never expressed significant interest in someone other than me. So it’s probably fair to say that we’ve never “gone there”.

The astute reader of my blog will recall that I’ve shared many stories here that my wife has told me about black men that she’s had sex with. They are great stories, and I see myself as a cuckold candidate because those stories turn me on. But they have always only been stories that she uses to humiliate me.  After all, what kind of husband gets turned on hearing about his wife being unfaithful?

She took her questioning on the topic further, by asking flat out: “Do you think you’d feel jealous if I really did fuck another guy?” Again, I think it was weird that I had to think about my answer so much.

Eventually my answer was: “Well, if our relationship was threatened by it, then yes, I probably would feel jealous. But if it was just sex, well, probably not. It might also depend on whether or not I was present — but I’m not sure on that part.”

Many people have a strong connection between emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy. I’m like that in my primary relationship: if we’re emotionally struggling, I’m just not going to feel like having sex.

But my wife is not like that. She and a former husband, when they were married years ago, used to go to swingers parties. And yes, participate. But their relationship didn’t have the depth ours does. Swinging has not been a part of our time together.

My wife took it further.  “So, if you came home one day and I told you I invited our friend Donny over, and rode his magnificent cock to several orgasms while you were at work, you wouldn’t be jealous?” Since I know that Donny doesn’t threaten our relationship at all, my only honest answer was “Well, no, I don’t think it would.”

“Hmmm….” she said teasingly, as she walked off towards her office (and her computer).

So my question for you is:  now that I’m a female in a married lesbian relationship, could I still be considered a cuckold?

 

Yellow and black

Mistress has been using me more and more to relieve herself at night. As I wrote a few weeks ago here, we have a new toy to help her easily urinate into my mouth.

Lately it’s been several times per week that she will “save herself a trip to the bathroom”. She will hop out of bed, come over to my side, and I will move my head to be just off the bed.  She puts one end of the soft funnel gently over pussy, and the other end in my open mouth. Then she pees while I swallow.

When she’s done she lets me lick her briefly (in place of using toilet paper or tissue). Then she crawls contentedly back into bed with a nice empty bladder.

Sometimes she lets me know she appreciates my service to her by saying to me afterwards: “Thank you, toilet.” It’s a sign of my submissiveness and servitude that I feel happy to hear that.

My routine afterwards is to first “flush”, which is to rinse the funnel with some water (always in a bottle next to the funnel) – swallowing it of course. That keeps it clean and ready for her next use. I wash it weekly.

I also rinse my mouth with some mouthwash, also nearby and handy. Mistress doesn’t like me to have a yucky mouth or “pee breath” in case we talk or she wants me to service her or even to kiss me.

Another real life event: We were having some ice cream, sitting on a bench outside at a shopping area. We were talking and she noticed this muscular black man nearby. The conversation stopped as she focused her attention on him, saying things like “yeah” and “Mmmmm”.

Then she turned to me and said “Look at his arms”. I did. His skin was beautifully dark, and he clearly worked out a lot. His biceps and triceps were well defined. He could easily kick my ass. I said to Mistress “He has very nice arms. I bet you’d like to feel them around you.” She scoffed, and immediately replied “It’s not his arms I want to feel,” and she went back to watching him.

Eventually she returned our attention to us, after letting out a contented sigh. Clearly she was enjoying a nice little fantasy in her head featuring this dark, handsome stranger.

I know part of why she likes to do this is to humiliate me. But I honestly don’t know how far she would go with it. I wonder if someday she will take it further, maybe openly flirt with other men in front of me. Actually, it will probably be a lot easier for her to do that now that I’m looking like a woman more and more with her in public.

We’ve also talked about how my sex-change situation might affect our sexuality and relationship. She has fears about me wanting a heterosexual relationship after I’m fully transitioned (and physically a female). I don’t see that happening, I have never liked cuddling or hugging or kissing guys. I’m only attracted to women.

However, she has talked about not knowing where her own sexual interests might go once I no longer have a penis. Being bisexual, she is very interested in lesbian sex with me, and we have explored some of that already. But she has wondered out loud with me if she might crave intercourse sometimes. Of course I support her in getting all her sexual needs met.

Which brings me to this question:  Would I be a cuckold if she had sex with other men after I become a woman? Legally I’m still her husband. But legally I will also be a female.  And we will undeniably have a lesbian relationship. What a twisted web we weave…

Teasefest

Mistress and I entertained her sister today. It was the first time I was dressed in my female role in front of a family member. It went very well.

We were eating a late lunch out on our deck, and the two of them were talking about men and relationships. Somehow the conversation turned to black men, and Mistress made me quite embarrassed. She told her sister about the man adjacent to her workplace, how attractive he is and what a nice sexual partner he would make. He’s the one she teases me about having sex with a lot (I’ve blogged about that many times before).

Her sister thought she was just lightly teasing me, so Mistress went further. She said “just because my spouse won’t be able to please me like a man, that doesn’t mean I won’t get any.” Her sister laughed like it was a joke, and Mistress just sat there with a smile. I blushed like I had too much makeup on. “After all,” Mistress clarified, “I’m not a lesbian, I’m bisexual.”

At another point in the conversation Mistress told her sister “Chastity isn’t so bad,” when talking about her sister not dating for a while. Of course that was a subtle dig at my locked up cock.

After her sister left, we stayed on the deck to chat. I found an inchworm and we watched it for a while. Mistress named it “tiny”, for obvious reasons. “Go, tiny, go!” she said as it slowly moved across the table. At one point I remarked that he was “straight up”, and her quick reply was “Well, I haven’t seen anything like that in quite some time.” I observed that it was by her choice, and she just smiled.

Mistress used me for her own orgasm this morning. I really enjoy being used like an object that she uses for her own pleasure. I mentioned to her that it turned me on. She said she didn’t notice, and that it doesn’t matter anyway. I love it that she’s right — that her sexual pleasure matters and mine doesn’t.

Now with more security

Mistress went to visit some relatives late last week. She took the emergency keys to our biometric safe with her. The keys to my chastity cage are in that safe, which opens only by her fingerprint. The safe is cabled securely in our closet.

Until now she had “hidden” those emergency keys in our house. She teased me at times to try to find them, but I dared not look as I didn’t wanted to be tempted to let myself out of chastity. The corporal punishment consequences for that would not be good, and I couldn’t live with the guilt. So it’s actually good that those keys are gone and locked in her relative’s gun safe over an hour away.

We still have a spare set of chastity keys in a tamper-proof box. But the security of my chastity significantly increased by her decision to relocate the keys to our safe.

Before she left she teased me pretty significantly. She reminded me about how why I was locked up: because tiny (her name for my cock) is so small and inadequate for her needs. She said she might find another guy to have sex with while she was away. Some stud with a man-sized cock that could really please her. And she asked me what I thought about that. I said “I want you to be happy, even if that’s what it takes” and I meant it.

In the end she was too busy with the relatives to do anything else — or so she tells me. I expect that’s true, since her finally cuckolding me for real would be a new level of humiliation that I’m quite sure she would want me to experience.

I’m continuing to come out to more friends about my plans to transition into a woman. Mistress is supportive, in fact we told her sister today. I’m hoping to start hormones this month, and am continuing to work with professionals on moving forward. Some days I’m scared about how fast things are moving, other days I’m frustrated that we’re not further along in this (roughly) 2 year process.

Mistress and I went out to a pretty busy restaurant this weekend, and I was dressed up pretty. She went with a rather butch look (jeans, jean vest) while I had on a nice dress with hose and matching low wedge shoes. I seemed to completely pass as a woman, which is great.

Lately I’ve had an issue with the chastity cage when crossdressing. Since the cage is bulky I have to really tuck it between my legs. Twice now one testicle has slipped through and escaped between the base ring and the base of the cage. That’s my own fault, of course, for ordering a base ring 2 sizes larger than I wore on my CB-3000 (which I’ve previously blogged about at length).

The last time it happened I requested the keys to get that testicle back into place. This time I worked pretty hard to push that naughty ball back through that narrow space. Nasty! I think I bruised it. Weird how I can not even notice it slipping out. Yet getting it back through is torture. Ah, what we go through to look beautiful!

For those curious about transsexuality, I’ll again recommend the book She’s Not There – A Life in Two Genders. I finished it, and it was very, very good. Hard for me to read in spots, as it got so personal. But very education, very readable, real, and well written.