Time Flies

Week one of chastity has gone well. My wife/Mistress/keyholder has mercifully not teased me sexually very much. Indeed, the theme of the past week was more about corporal punishment for my transgressions.

On Saturday I messed up for a third time over the week. I accidentally mailed one of her favorite DVDs back to Netflix instead of the rented DVD. The good news is that Netflix customer support was awesome, and we’ll get her disk back in about a week, no problem. The bad news is that she was very disappointed that I made such a mistake at all.

I’m not sure if she intends more punishment for me or not. My ass is still working on the bruises left from my last ass paddling just a few days ago. She has been flaunting her sexy body in front of me more lately, such as before and after her showers, leaving me lusting after her beautiful breasts and wanting to smell and taste her pussy so very much. She really enjoys torturing me that way, knowing I can’t even start to get an erection.

I got to spend quite a bit of time crossdressed this weekend, which was great. As soon as I got home from work early Friday afternoon I changed out of my “boy clothes” and painted my nails red. Saturday morning my usual chores took a few hours, with me in my housekeeping dress of course. I had to go back to boy clothes (and nails) for an early Saturday evening family event.

Sunday morning I dressed up again, and in the afternoon something really awesome happened. My wife needed some groceries for dinner, and I offered to go to the store for her. I was half joking, since I was crossdressed. But she looked me over briefly, and said “Ok, just let me help you with your hair first”. Wow. I had done only a quick job on my hair, so she was easily able to improve it.

A few minutes later I was putting on the pink winter coat she recently bought for me, and had her shopping list in my hand. She asked me if I was ready for this, and I told her I definitely was. This would be the first time she will have sent me out in public crossdressed by myself. I was so excited and happy.

The shopping trip itself was uneventful. I found everything on her list and had no problems. No one even seemed to look at me twice. I felt full of confidence and just so content and “me”. Several times I seemed to forget that I was crossdressed, it seemed so natural to me. I used the self-check lane to ensure no issues between the obviously male name on my credit card and my appearance.

Upon my return, my wife and I talked about how it went. I told her how totally pleased I was about it all. She remarked that she will have to use me for her shopping errands more in the future. I’m sure I was just beaming, feeling proud to be able to serve her publicly as the sissy husband that I am.

Later that evening she remarked to me that she is really enjoying this “new me”. She talked about how there seems to be more “feminine energy” around me and in the house, which she is really likely. It’s resonating with her bisexual side, and she refers to me as her “lesbian lover” sometimes. Tonight she presented me with a new pair of flats that are fun and feminine.

This is a somewhat frightening process, though, I think for both of us. When she asks me if I think I am really a woman inside, my honest answer is maybe, but I don’t know yet. That’s why I’m talking to a counselor about my gender identity issues. It’s getting more weird to be in the world, at work and elsewhere day-to-day, as a male knowing of the possibility that I might be a female a few years in the future. Or maybe not. Only time will tell. The uncertainty is unsettling.

Something else became very apparent this weekend: my chastity device isn’t very compatible with crossdressing. That was a bummer to realize. I have to really mash my genitals down-and- back in order to not have a lump showing at the front of a skirt or dress. I may have to come up with a way to keep it tucked better.

I’ve also come to realize how naturally baggy boy pants are around the crotch. I wear panties every day with a medium pad (to catch drips). The pad really smooths things out in front, which is nice since the top post of the JailBird pokes out a bit and can show. So even with snug pants at work I feel my chastity is confidently hidden.

I still have no sense of how long Mistress will be keeping me locked up. A reader commented that I should suggest to Mistress a date like July 4th. My birthday is in July, so I joked earlier this week about knowing what she was going to give me for my birthday: release from chastity and an orgasm. I thought she’d find it at least a little humorous, but she didn’t.

Instead, I think she saw right through it as an attempt for me to essentially ask for a long period of being locked up. My best guess is that she didn’t appreciate me topping-from-the- bottom about my chastity. Our agreement is that it is 100% up to her. Her only comment was something like “just for that, I should keep you locked up until then.”

We both want her to have all of the control as regards my genitals and chastity. So I think I need to not push the issue, and just let her be totally in charge. Which is how it should be in our Female Led Relationship.

Ignorable

Mistress is completely ignoring tiny (her name for my cock). She’s more interested lately in punishing me and letting me pamper her.

Yesterday she found another reason for a serious ass-paddling session. It was a financial mixup on my part, actually a potentially major issue. Everything was fine, but it might have been a disaster. She was not happy that I had slipped up on this vital detail.

When I got home from work she told me to set out her spanking implements in our bedroom and wait for her. I arranged the paddles, canes, crops, and other items for her convenience. She arrived and simply pointed me towards our bed. I lowered my pants, laid on the bed, and waited for her to get to business.

She asked me to explain why I needed to be punished. I told her, and she repeated some things back to me, reinforcing her points with hard swats to my bare bottom. I thought ahead enough this time to position a pillow so I could yell, scream and cry into it and not bother her so much with my wussy noises. It was a good thing, because this session was a little more intense than the last one.

This was my second ass beating this week, and she made it clear that she expects better from me. This session included ten hard swats with her favorite cane, which burned terribly. I think she used each implement for at least ten impacts. Afterwards she applied the icy/hot cream to my red ass herself. This increased the residual pain, and also left me smelling rather minty for hours.

Then she put a medium butt-plug in me. That might not have been so bad, but we had a meeting to attend. Between the meeting and driving, I spent over 2 hours sitting, pushing the plug uncomfortably deep, and squirming to find a comfortable sitting position. She was please to be able to torture me so effortlessly, and in public. The lube left my ass squishing as I walked, which felt humiliating.  After 4 hours she allowed me to remove it.

At bedtime she had me rub lotion into her beautiful legs. I wasn’t allowed above her calf, as this was service, not sexual. Most every night I provide her a back rub to help her get to sleep. She loves foot rubs too. I hope someday soon she allows me to give her some sexual pleasure, but I know that she will tell me when she wants it, and I am not to beg.

Apparently I didn’t tighten the security screw enough when I put the JailBird together a few days ago. Today I noticed the screw had loosened. It’s not a major problem, as the cage stays together just fine even if the screw is loose. I just don’t want to lose it. It came with one spare security screw, but I don’t want to end up having to buy more screws. So tonight I’ll ask her to open the safe so I can use the keys to tighten it well.

Even if the screw came out, all that would happen is that the cage would separate from the base ring. I still can’t escape from the cage. The lock through my PA piercing keeps the end of my cock secured to the far end of the cage. So I can’t pull out, and I would still have no meaningful access to tiny.

I had some concerns that the larger base ring might change the wearability of the JailBird somehow. It certainly is looser at the base, but it’s not a problem at all. It’s still snug enough to support the weight of the cage. And as mentioned above, I can’t pull out anyway. Heck, the whole thing could slide down and the end of my cock would still be locked to the far end of the cage. The resizing was all about increasing the comfort for 24/7 use. That aspect appears to have been a complete success.

I had some suspicions that a guy at work might also be in chastity. I’d noticed him use a stall to urinate once or twice when urinals were available. But this week I observed him using a urinal, so probably not. I guess I used to stand once in a while when I was wearing my CB-3000. So I suppose anyone could possibly be locked up, and I’d be hard pressed to know.

Ok, I have a challenge for my readers. I’ve been thinking about ball-trap chastity devices, and I know that when I’m flaccid I could pull out the back of any of them. And it’s my theory and assertion that anyone could escape that way. Cocks can shrink up quite a bit, and I just don’t see how the geometry of these ball-trap units could maintain security.

So my challenge is this: has anyone seen a video demonstrating how a seriously flaccid cock could not escape from a ball-trap chastity device? If so, please post the link as a comment. I’ve read reports of some people claiming they can’t pull out of a CB-X000 device. But honestly, I don’t believe it. It’s my assertion that such devices, by themselves, cannot be considered secure. A guy can claim it, but a guy can lie.

Even my own JailBird, by itself, wouldn’t even come close to keeping me secure. Without the PA lock, my flaccid dick could easily slip out the back. Can anyone provide some video evidence that some men find these ball-trap devices to offer reasonable security? I suspect not.

I understand very well that not everyone wants or needs 100% secure chastity. It can be difficult and expensive to get to that point. Some people are really good with the honor system. But relying on that doesn’t really require a chastity device then, does it? My point here isn’t to make anyone feel bad – your kink is ok. My point is more for keyholders, to clarify the reality (as I see it).

I could easily have been cheating daily when I was wearing my CB-2000 and CB-3000. I didn’t, but my point is that I could have, and some men might very well do so and insist that it’s so secure they can’t.

I can also see the value in having a less severe way to transition from no chastity into some chastity. Maybe some folks aren’t ready for the real thing. I’ve never been there, if I could have gone straight into 100% secure lockup from the beginning, I’m sure I would have. The problem then was the cost. Today I’m pretty happy to have full security for under $500 (cage + PA lock).

I’d love to hear your comments about my rambling on chastity security. And please post video links if you know of any demonstrating ball-trap device security. Thanks.

Resecured

My wife, Mistress, and keyholder locked me back into our high-security chastity device last night.

It was the first time I had the JailBird on since we got it back from having the base ring resized. So far it feels fantastically comfortable (as far as male chastity goes, anyway). She seemed quite happy to have tiny (her name for my cock) secured back in the stainless steel cage. The separate Steelworxx lock through my PA piercing prevents pull-out.

She had some trouble with the fingerprint scanner on our new bio-safe where she now stores the chastity keys. She ended up reprogramming it, which required the emergency keys. Fortunately those keys were still with us and not in her son’s gun safe over an hour away. So one strike against this inexpensive bio-safe. Hopefully, if and when she wishes to unlock me, it will scan her finger properly and open.

The safe is now securely cabled to a shelving unit in our master bedroom closet. It’s not super high security, but there’s no way I’ll defeat that without her knowing. She appreciates how convenient the key safe is there, yet it is still well out of reach of our bed. Her fear of me opening the safe with her finger while she sleeps has been fully addressed.

Once the emergency keys are out of the house, there will be only two ways of getting out of chastity. One is for her to open the bio-safe using her fingerprint. The other is me breaking the emergency key box, which she would know about also (since she has custom decorated the emergency key box). In a true emergency, I’d be forgiven, of course.

However, based on our new written chastity agreement, any attempt by me to defeat chastity or otherwise cheat is cause for her to abandon chastity in our relationship – forever. So that’s another strong incentive for me to be good. However, I prefer not to even be tempted to pleasure myself, and the cage addresses that for both of us.

At this stage I like being locked up. Stay tuned to see if my attitude changes as the weeks and/or months add up without any release for me. I’ve actually missed being in my cage. Being out of commission for three weeks due to that nasty skin infection really sucked. But it seems fully healed now.

I feel safer having my genitals caged. There is a sense of relief knowing that I cannot escape due to the lock through my Prince Albert piercing. And returning to the humiliation of always having to sit to pee feels strangely welcome and appropriate too. It’s kind of hard to describe, but I’m back where I want/need to be.

We have yet to see if the resizing was fully successful. Last night Mistress did a “stress test”, stimulating my nipples as I groaned, bucked, and tried to get hard. While there was no pain, it also wasn’t as intense as a few other times where I was super aroused and really, really straining against the cage. That’s when it would seriously hurt (in a bad way), as the smaller base ring was too tight against the base of my engorged genital area. I’m sure we’ll have a “super stress test” soon enough.

Last night Mistress paddled my ass harder than she has in years. My transgression was small (leaving the dinner dishes unwashed, particularly my trough), but she used it as a “correctional opportunity”. I think she was trying to get me to cry, which almost happened. I certainly was yelling a lot. Afterwards she had me apply one of those hot/cold ointments which caused it to hurt even more. It was actually painful to sit, and was tender all through the next day at work.

My first counseling appointment regarding my gender identity issues went well yesterday. After one more appointment and some tests she will have an evaluation and recommendation for me. I’m still not sure where this is all leading. But I am getting clarity that I’m unhappy about not being able to express my feminine side more in my daily life. Limiting my crossdressing to just at home feels like I’m denying a very real part of myself. I’m in the closet; I just don’t know exactly what it’s all about yet.

One awesome development is that my wife is starting to bond with my feminine self. Although she is bisexual, my “ditzy blonde” persona, which has been most prevalent in my past crossdressing, has never appealed to her in a sexual or relationship way. Sure, I was fun and an easy target for humiliation, but not all that appealing as a partner.

However, as I’m expressing my female side more, she’s seeing a new part of me that she is enjoying, perhaps even falling in love with (those are her words). When my long hair is down, and I have my soft pink or lavender pajamas on, and we’re cuddling in bed, she’s comfortable with me as her lesbian lover. Wow. I can’t say how great it feels to have that part of me accepted and appreciated (rather than rejected).

I’ve updated my stats to reset the clock for this new block of time in chastity. Mistress has given me no sense at all about how long she will keep me locked up. She doesn’t seem interested in release schedules, or scorekeeping, or any more formal method of determining chastity duration. It’s all at her whim. I guess I don’t mind that. And I suppose that could change, especially if she got some ideas on-line.

Anyone want to guess how long this lockup will be for me? I’ll watch for your comments; thanks.

Biometricity

Saturday morning I awoke to my wife pulling my hand between her naked thighs. She does this when she wants to use the palm of my hand to bring herself to an orgasm. I think she said something like “You know what to do, get busy”; I was groggy. I applied the pressure to her crotch the way she likes it, and she started grinding against my hand and stimulating herself.

When she reached under my pink, frilly nightshirt towards my nipples, I expected some teasing. She loves to stimulate my sensitive nipples, which makes tiny (her name for my cock) get hard, and drives me crazy with sexual wanting that she will then ignore (because that turns her on too).

Instead she started kneading my breast with her hand. As her breathing got heavier and faster she whispered in my ear: “I’m pretending that you have real breasts.” Wow. Our recent discussions about my gender issues is fueling her fantasies, which I thought was pretty cool. I laid there and let her grope me and use me for her pleasure. It was really wonderful.

Soon she had an orgasm, and relaxed. I laid there patiently and lovingly, my arm still trapped between her legs, her hand still resting on my chest. I was aroused, as I almost always am when she uses me to achieve her own sexual pleasure. But she ignored my state and enjoyed her post-orgasmic sensations. I became aware of how fulfilled I felt, having simply been an object for her sexual satisfaction.

Eventually she suggested that I get out of bed and start my chores. Saturdays I wear my basic housekeeping dress (as opposed to my formal service one). My chores including sweeping and then hand-scrubbing the kitchen and downstairs bathroom floor, vacuuming the stairs and landing and master bedroom, sweeping the upstairs bathroom, and cleaning the cat boxes. There are usually dishes to take care of too.

The biometric safe she ordered has arrived. She didn’t leave it unattended for a moment from when we took it out of the box until it was programmed to only open using her fingerprints. The keys to my chastity device are locked into it. The safe came with “emergency” keys to open it without fingertip scanning. But she told me today that her son has agreed to lock those keys into his own safe. He lives 1.5 hours away.

She made clear to him that “he is to give those keys only to her – ever”. He’ll be stopping by tomorrow, and she plans to give him the keys then. I’m pretty sure he’s quite curious about just what she is locking up that she doesn’t want me to access.

Biometric safe

Biometric safe

I can certainly recommend this type of safe to spouse/keyholders. It allows the keys to be totally secure and also handy. We got ours for $99 (including shipping) on eBay.

My wife’s one concern was that I would be able to surreptitiously slide her finger across it while she was asleep. Fortunately the box beeps loudly when it is used. Once when it is turned on, once when a scan succeeds, and twice if a scan fails. Her tests show that several tries are usually needed to open it, resulting in lots of beeping — and that’s when she’s being careful about it. Besides the risk of being caught, the likelihood of even succeeding at that would be really low. I know I wouldn’t even attempt it.

However, she’s still interested in securing the safe somewhere. It comes with a security cable allowing it to be locked to something. One idea I had was to run the cable through the wall between the attic and our master bedroom, and around a stud. This would literally cable the box to the house, well away from the bed. Yet it would still be handy enough to use, if/when she wanted.

Because it often seems to take multiple tries before her finger scans succeed, it gave me an idea about a chastity release game. On certain occasions Mistress would try some number of times (once? 3 times?) to scan her finger and open the safe. If it worked – lucky slave, time to get unlocked. If not – oh, too bad, maybe next time.

My wife’s sister was in town this weekend. We couldn’t trust her with any of our kinky stuff (unlike all the chastity fantasy stories), so my wife wouldn’t tell her about my crossdressing or chastity. However, my wife did make a comment to her, right in front of me, about enjoying multiple men and how I don’t mind. They laughed about it, and I blushed and said nothing.

Tuesday afternoon I have my first gender counseling appointment. I expect it will be somewhat non-eventful, involving some general background, paperwork, and preparation for taking some tests. I’m still a bit anxious about this Pandora’s box.

My last dose of antibiotics will be Wednesday morning. She has said that I’m going back into chastity as soon as I’m done taking that medication. She’s being extra careful due to her concern that the chastity cage might have played a role in how the infection started. The most likely explanation we’ve been given is “ingrown hair follicle that became infected”. The cage can just manage to touch the wound site if I am laying on my stomach. Regardless, Mistress gets to decide.

I honestly can’t wait to be locked back up. I just don’t want to even be tempted. I want that secure feeling again. And I want to get back to being denied and teased and humiliated. I am craving my role as her chaste pet.

ObLink: I liked this story on Altar Boy’s site. It claims to be true, which I can believe. I like how the wife leverages her control and enjoys deepening his humiliation. I particularly like what she makes him do after she allows him to have intercourse with her (and his description of what that is like for him). Not all keyholders would be this intense, but I’m happy for them both (and a bit jealous of his situation).

Ambisextrous

I am expecting my wife and keyholder to decide to return me into chastity full-time sometime over the next week. My serious skin infection is healing nicely, but being on two antibiotics has really sucked.

I’m looking forward to putting the cage back on. I haven’t even tried it out since the resizing, and I feel sad about that. The new base ring dimensions will, we hope, solve the arousal/pain problem, allowing for long-term use with no need for removal.

I posted previously about discussions that my wife and I have had about my body, genitals, and gender. She teases me sometimes about having me castrated – which apparently is a very quick and relatively simple procedure when performed by someone qualified. She recently reminded me that I’m the one that brought it up early in our relationship, something I sincerely don’t recall discussing with her. But I suppose I did. She’s even teased about turning me into a full eunuch (no genitals at all).

More substantially, though, we’ve been talking about my gender role and identity. As I’ve been able to spend many more hours per week crossdressed at home (and sometimes carefully in public), things feel different. My wife commented how happy and content I seem to be when I am in my female role.

While at face value the comment didn’t surprise me, we talked further and I realized that she had a substantial point. I feel better, more complete, whole, myself, feminine, comfortable, at ease, happier, and so on when I am presenting as a woman. We both realized this could be something deeper.

Since that conversation we’ve talked a lot more, and I’ve observed myself and my emotions more closely. I was surprised about several things. I realized I do feel somewhat resentful of having to wear my “boy clothes” to work and elsewhere in public. It occurred to me that I have disliked my body hair for decades. Now that I’ve grown out my hair, I love brushing it, and I (surprisingly) don’t resent the extra effort.

We both took the BSRI (BEM Sex Role Inventory) test on-line (you can too – please add a comment about your results). My wife scored +18, I scored +11. Most men would score below zero (e.g. -20). Now since this test was developed in the 1970s, some professionals suggest it needs to be recalibrated for societal shifts since then. Still, it’s a well known professional tool.

Another wonderful aspect of all this is that my wife is completely supportive of this journey of discovery for me. She’s helped me find some gender identity counseling resources in our area. I have my first appointment next week. And she’s made clear that she is committed to me regardless of what genitals I may (or may not) have.

Since she is bisexual and tends to find women more attractive than men in general, there’s an interesting relationship dynamic there too. She said “It would be wonderful if you could get on hormones and grow some real breasts”. She is also happy to consider us living in public as two lesbians, if that’s where things end up.

Is this just some sex-change fantasy thing? It feels like more than that (to both of us). Until recently, when I have had the safety of this relationship and her unwavering love and support, I haven’t been able to even think such thoughts. It simply wasn’t an option to even consider, so there was no sense in seeing it as any more than a fantasy. But now, my sense of self and identity feels called into question, in a sincere and somewhat frightening way.

I shared with my wife a thought experiment I came up with. Consider this: You are offered all necessary gender alteration surgeries for free with no side effects or risks – would you do it? My wife’s answer for herself is a strong no. My gut-level instinctive answer is yes, but I feel myself block that answer with all sorts of fear and rationalizations and junk.

Miguel Ruiz, in his book The Four Agreements, beautifully clarifies the role of society as responsible for “domesticating the human”. I have been domesticated as a male. But is that who I am inside? How do I integrate these seriously feminine aspects of who I am without damaging my existing relationships (e.g. family, work, etc)? I easily feel overwhelmed about this lately.

I also realized that, as long as I can orgasm, which genitals I have doesn’t matter to me that much. My wife pointed out that my strong desires for chastity and useless penis humiliation could indicate a psychological dissatisfaction with my male genitals. That blew me away.

Am I just getting off on this as a fantasy? No, these discussions don’t turn me on, if anything they illuminate the fact that I’ve fallen into a rabbit hole, destination unknown. I’m experiencing a lot of confusion, many strong emotions, some loss of that sense that I know who and what I am, and some fear that I don’t know where this will lead. I’m open to all possibilities, including remaining just as I am after some counseling to get my head straight.

Oh, and my wife made it clear that we definitely would be getting a female chastity belt for me, if I end up as a woman. She wisely knows that the sexual servant/slut part of me would have an extremely difficult time being chaste. She also clarified that she would have no interest in a dildo attachment for my belt (to fuck her), as that’s what her other (likely black) male lovers would be for. But she certainly would look forward to strapping one on herself and fucking me in all of my holes.

Since this blog is primarily intended to be about my experience in chastity, I promise to return my focus to that – as soon as I am locked back up. This is only the beginning of my gender identity journey. And likely the beginning of some long-term chastity too, very soon.

P.S. In case it needs explaining, the title of this post is a tweak to the word “ambidextrous”, whose first dictionary definition is “using both hands with equal ease”. As I explore androgyny and my feminine side, it seemed to relate.

Gendermania

Mistress surprised me last night by telling me to “remove the ring”, which means only one thing: she wanted to have intercourse with me. What a treat!

I removed the 8 gauge captive bead ring in my Prince Albert piercing, applied a touch of lube, and was in position to enter her in near record time. Once inside her, it occurred to me that she might not let me orgasm. I found out later that she was indeed thinking about exactly that – after she had her orgasm(s), of course.

I’d been completely faithful lately under her restrictive honor-based chastity, avoiding even stroking tiny (her name for my cock). So the feeling of sliding into her warm, snug, wet pussy was so very wonderful. No hand job or blow job can compare to the amazing sensation of being inside her.

I took my time, and at one point I just stopped and stayed perfectly still. I had a sense, and I just watched as her orgasm built over the next 30 seconds and then crashed like a wave for her. It felt so fulfilling to be the object of her pleasure like that. I waited a bit, and then asked her if I could have an orgasm.

She thought about it, apparently changing her mind (as I found out later) and allowed me to proceed and cum inside her. My orgasm was tremendous. Denial really does amplify the eventual release, for me anyway. Good thing our windows were closed, I’d have woken the neighbors.

Last weekend we discussed a very interesting topic: my gender-identity issues. As you know, I love to crossdress and have been for decades. My wife has been wonderfully supportive, helping with makeup and hair and even buying me clothes and accessories. But this talk was about my body and my sense of my gender.

It’s complicated. Am I a woman trapped in a man’s body? No. Do I crossdress just for the erotic aspect? No. What do I get out of it? A feeling of contentment and fulfillment, of being myself and whole. And to finally have this side of me accepted is such a gift (my first wife completely rejected that side of me).

Yes, fantasy stories of forced feminization including male-to-female surgery is hot. But expressing my female side is more than a kink or acted-out fantasy. I so look forward to weekends now, as my wife encourages me to let this side of me out as much as possible. Saturdays I am her housekeeper, in white hose and my housedress and satin slave collar, scrubbing her floors and cleaning the house. Sunday she lets me dress however I like. Today is a black skirt, topped by a red/black fun blouse and feathered earrings she bought me. I did my own hair and painted my fingernails black just for today.

Anyway, she was genuinely curious about it all. It felt so wonderful for her to care so much to ask such intimate and meaningful questions. Obviously some paths along these lines could seriously change our relationship. For example, if I wanted to become a biological female and date other men, she was clear that we couldn’t remain married. Ok, that makes total sense. Fortunately, I don’t want to date other men!

She admitted at one point that she would find it hot if I had female breasts that she could play with and suck on. Being bisexual, she enjoys it all. She even admitted that us living together as either literal or apparent lesbians would be totally ok with her. And that sounded exciting to me too.

Don’t think, dear reader, that this is some whim or minor fantasy of mine. I’ve seriously considered my gender issues for many, many years. I would love to be able to live full-time as a woman in the world for some months to really see for myself how far this part of me goes. My wife has offered for us to take a long weekend vacation out of town and do just that together. I love her so much!

My wife even contacted a post-op friend of ours, and a TS-friendly therapist, and has some recommendations for me – professionals I can talk to. I’m seriously thinking about starting that dialog to see where this rabbit hole leads. As I’ve written before, I don’t think I’m a slam-dunk M2F transexual. Then again, if I could get to the point of sexual reassignment surgery as an option, I’d have to seriously think about it.

Perhaps I am an androgyn. I scored lowest on the masculine scale on the Bem Sex Role Inventory (which you can take yourself online here and read more about scoring here). I scored outside of the Androgynous zone just into the “Nearly Feminine” range. My wife took it too (scoring Feminine, not surprisingly) and when she saw my results exclaimed excitedly “we’re lesbians!”. Honey, it’s just a test we took online.

Androgyny is a new role for me to explore. My wife encouraged me to dress androgynously yesterday when we went out to dinner. It was fun. Here is an interesting recent article on an androgyn in the news. Although he’s way too skinny, I’m jealous of his ability to look so damn good!

My wife and I need to talk a lot more. I have no idea where we’ll go from here. I’m going to ask her about talking to a therapist. One thought I had is maybe I can get one of those cards that could keep me from getting arrested for being crossdressed. Yes, in my state it’s a crime for a man to be dressed as a woman in public (6th degree sexual misconduct, if I remember correctly). Stupid, but true.

I’ve been paying a lot more attention to what I’m noticing about other people lately. With women I notice hairstyle, makeup, clothes, fingernails, and especially shoes and boots; although I still observe and appreciate a fit and sexy body shape. With men I’m finding less repulsion (so many men seem conceited and slobby), and that a lot of body hair is gross. I’ve been trimming my own body hair short lately as I don’t like looking or feeling hairy.

I’d be interested in any comments folks have about gender-identity issues.

 

Testetrix

I have signed control of my genitals over to my Mistress, wife, and keyholder.

Several days ago she offered to let me orgasm. I gratefully accepted. We were in bed, and she lubed up tiny (her name for my cock) and started stroking. She asked “So, have you been good? Did you masturbate recently?” She was fully expecting me to say “no”. Unfortunately, I could not.

I admitted to having masturbated some days earlier. She immediately stopped stimulating me and walked away. “I see. Well, no orgasm for you then, not tonight, not for a while.” She seriously interrogated me about why I had masturbated. I told her my truth, which was that since my infection we haven’t felt connected at all sexually. It felt to me like everything, including chastity, was On Hold.

She reminded me of an earlier verbal agreement between us. I was not to masturbate without her permission. I did screw up, I did forget, and she had every right to be upset. She told me this was more than just some game, and that she really felt hurt and disrespected. I felt awful.

In fact, I felt so bad I cried several times over the next few days, and also sank into somewhat of a depression. It was really eating at me that I had disappointed her and violated our prior agreement. Things felt platonic between us for several days, and I was feeling really sad, guilty, wrong, etc. That’s not a good place for me emotionally.

In her wisdom, she saw my need for atonement. She instructed me to write her two full pages about what went wrong and how things will be different going forward. I did so, and she accepted it. She has signed it, and I will sign it tonight. In the latter half I make it perfectly clear that I am permitted absolutely no sexual stimulation without her permission. I turn control of my genitals, including orgasms, completely over to her. Chastity is also completely up to her discretion.

There is no word such as Testetrix — I have invented it to refer to a woman who has control over her male partner’s genitals by agreement. Note that this is broader than chastity, as it could theoretically include castration or more. I came up with it after running across the word testatrix related to financial planning.

My infection has improved quite a bit, to the point where she permitted me to wear my housekeeping dress and scrub the floors on my hands and knees. I also vacuumed and cleaned several other rooms. It felt very good to be submitting again, and she was pleased to see me looking and being so domestic.

In chastity-oriented news, Mistress ordered a biometric safe. It opens by fingerprint scanning so that only she will have access. She plans to store my chastity keys in it. I’m actually quite grateful for it. Her prior plan was to simply hide the keys around the house, and I was concerned that I might run across them or spend time trying to find them. When it arrives I’ll write more about it.