Rocky Road

Real life issues are an unavoidable aspect of a real-life relationship with a D/s focus. All the fantasy stories focus only on the kinky play. But family, work, bills, medical issues, and many other everyday issues still require attention. The relationship itself also needs care and feeding. And the holiday season can pretty heavily redirect the focus to the mundane.

Thus it was for us. I had some hope that my five days off of work over Christmas might be quite a wild ride. But we were scheduled with friends or family most days, with prep activities and related discussions in between. As noted in my previous post, the first two days were a bit rocky for me.

My behavior was much, much better the next two days. In fact, my wife was so pleased that I earned two rewards. The first was to be able to lick her to an orgasm on day three. By the end of day four I had earned an orgasm. And that’s when the train went off the tracks.

After a holiday gathering I got a little freaked out by some things that were said at a relative’s house. It seemed like our life and relationship might be impacted in a major way. I didn’t do very well expressing my concerns to my wife, and she got hurt. So day four ended in flames, and I was not in any mood to enjoy my earned orgasm (although she did offer it to me).

Day five was an emotional recovery day for both of us. Lots of talking, only some of it productive. It was really hard for both of us for a while. My interpretations of the original event were off-base, as was my reaction. She was upset, and I spent some time crying in bed and upset myself, worried about how I had hurt her.

I take it really hard when our relationship is hurting because of me. I experience a lot of fear and sadness about my role in fucking things up. And I have so much regret, I feel like I can’t ever do enough to make things right. I just feel devastated when I fuck things up. I suppose that’s part of why our D/s roles work so well for us. It’s truly core for me to do what I can to make her happy. Making her unhappy rots me from the inside.

One of my coping skills is to be busy doing something. So while she was out I washed the kitchen floor, vaccuumed most of the house, and cleaned the floor of her office (something she’d been wanting for a while). She didn’t mention any of it when she returned, but later thanked me for cleaning her office. We went out to dinner, and by the end of the day things felt almost back to normal. She even teased me a little again.

We watched a movie together in bed, and one of the strong women actresses was running down her daughter’s husband. She said he was acting like a wet, wimpy, whipped dog just following her around. My wife looked at me and said “I like the sound of that, it makes me wet.” And she meant it. I took that as a good sign that things were getting back on track.

This week she will be ramping up on the medication that makes her horny. I have no idea how she will be addressing her sexual needs. She seems to have no problem denying mine lately. All as it should be.

This coming weekend is another long one. I have 2 days off work. We have a relative visiting one of those evenings, and we have one holiday visit to relatives planned. But otherwise it looks to be a 4-day weekend mostly with time for us. Let go, breathe, let go.

We are both disappointed that my housekeeping dress hasn’t arrived yet. I’m looking forward to really looking the role of her house servant. White tights, white work shoes, and a woman’s hotel cleaning outfit will help to reinforce my role as her sissy, submissive husband. I know she will be very happy when it comes.

It’s been 2 weeks since we ordered the chastity device, so there are 2-3 weeks left before it arrives. I’m hoping the PA lock will arrive about the same time (more about that when I order it next week). My 4.5 week old PA piercing continues to look like it’s healing excellently. That suggests that my wife will want to install me in chastity as soon as the JailBird arrives.

I’m going to focus this week on my behavior and attitude, working extra hard on keeping my emotional responses in check, and being respectful to her 100% of the time. That is how I want to be for her, as I know that will make her happy.

Things are feeling back to normal between us today. After work I have instructions to fix an issue with her computer, attend to our babies (the life-like dolls that represent children she’s “had” by one of her “many black lovers”), and to prepare a light dinner for her. It feels wonderful to be able to serve her.

I’m thinking that a good new year’s resolution for me is to be the best submissive I can be.

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