Realitarianism

Yesterday was a fairly ordinary day. As my wife/keyholder requested, I locked myself back in the CB-3000 in the morning.

At bedtime last night she rolled over towards me and straddled my thigh with her crotch. She directed me to apply pressure with my upper leg. Her wet pussy and clit pressed against me just inches from my trapped cock. She flicked at my nipples with her fingernails, sending me into a sexual frenzy, which seemed to arouse her even more. Not long after that she released a big and soft sigh, and then she relaxed against me enjoying her orgasm. My attempt at an erection continued to be thwarted by the rigid plastic enclosure locked upon my genitals.

Score another one for her, and zero (of course) for me.

At the risk of the remainder of this post being a minor buzzkill to some, I’d like to observe that being in long-term chastity isn’t always one fantasy episode after another. Another male chastity blog I’m reading discusses him being locked up while she travels for a week or more. Sure, there may be phone teasing, and there is certainly denial. But daily life goes on. I note that this blogger has a very strong sense of his chastity being in service and deference to her. This leads me to suspect that without some internal supporting mental framework, a male in chastity could easily find himself not enjoying being locked up, perhaps even resenting it. Fantasy forced lockup may be fun to jerk off to, but the reality of real-life 24/7 chastity seems to require a certain mindset in order to work within the relationship and to be satisfactory for both participants.

I’m starting to wonder about all this. Based on a couple of non-D/s conversations we’ve had lately, I’m starting to suspect that she may be getting tired of this game. I’m quite sure that in reality she doesn’t think my cock is small or inadequate. Over our years together I’ve heard her talk about it being a perfect size for her — not too big, not too small. Only recently as part of this chastity and tease/denial phase has she made degrading statements about my cock. In reality, we both know it’s just a game. Maybe she finds it erotic; but what if she is growing tired of playing a role that isn’t sincere?

I also wonder whether she really wants me to be in chastity. She knows that I enjoy it. And I’m quite sure she wants me not to masturbate without her permission. But she seems as happy with “verbal chastity” as with the (admittedly insecure) CB-3000. Although we’ve talked about having a more secure way to lock me up, she’s also admitted that having less access to her cock sometimes frustrates her.

I have my own thoughts and fantasies about where we could go from here. But the D/s dynamic puts her in charge. Then again, we both know that our core relationship is, in reality, egalitarian — so we probably need to discuss these issues outside our D/s roles. From what I read, it seems pretty normal for couples like us to have a “course correction” at times. Although it’s scary, it makes more sense than heading off further in a direction that doesn’t work for us.

Why scary? My fear is that she’ll admit to being tired of it all, and the chastity and humiliation play will end. That fear of mine comes from my first marriage where our sexuality completely died due, in part, to my kinky desires within the marriage. But my current wife is extremely kinky, so how valid are my fears? On the other hand, she is a separate person with her own dreams, desires and preferences. Those are out of my control, and that kindles my fear.

There is only one way forward, and that is through these fears. At some point we will just need to talk. See how I try to convince myself that it’s no big deal by putting the word “just” in there?

Ok, well, enough mental masturbation for one day.