Post-op Planning

I have a date for my surgery! In just 3 short months we will travel to the east coast. I’ll fall asleep with a penis and wake up with a vagina! I’m so thrilled and excited! OMG, I’ve waited so long for this!

Since we won’t be going to the west coast (as I blogged about last time), I won’t be able to see Ms. Dubois. And that’s a big bummer. I’m sure she could have provided some exquisite genital torture as “last rites” right before my surgery. But my wife/Mistress assures me that she will see that I do visit her dungeon for a very intense session sometime soon.

Those who have been following me here know that Mistress has teased me for years about her having sex with other men. And she often tells me fantasies about how she would involve me, sometimes just by being bound and having to watch her let another man make love to her.

Since we will soon have two vaginas in our household, she is making other plans. Over the last two weeks she’s come up with a list of four men (so far) that she says will help to “break in” my new parts. In other words, she’s going to turn me over to them for sex.

One of these men broke my man-cherry several birthdays ago (I should write a separate post about that sometime). She also initiated scenes with me and two of the other men at different times. One of the men has an even more wicked and kinky imagination than I do (which is rare!), so being at his mercy is sincerely frightening to me.

The fourth man is someone I mentioned two blog posts ago. Mistress has become good friends with him over the last year. He lives in a southern state, but travels internationally. She and “Tom” talk several times a day now. He was traveling nearby so we got to meet him a few weeks ago.

He told her about this village in Africa that he’s visited where the natives live very simply, including being nude all the time. They are very dark skinned, don’t speak english, and the men are tall and very muscular. She made a point of telling me that Tom said they are also all uncircumcised. Tom speaks many languages, including theirs.

Lately she has had this idea that, for my next birthday, she’ll send me with Tom to this village. Tom will let them know that the men can have their way with me. I envision these black giants passing me around like a rag doll, taking turns pleasuring themselves with me. Mistress can see by my intense blushing (which I can’t hide) that it’s tremendously erotic for me to think about.

Since it will take six months or so for me to heal after surgery, I would potentially be ready for intercourse sometime in April next year. Since my birthday is just a few months later, the timing seems like it would work. The way Mistress looks when she discusses this with me really makes me wonder if she is serious. I honestly think she might be.

She’s also made it clear that I won’t be the only one getting some male sexual attention around here. She’s talked about threesomes and foursomes, as well as her own special one-on-one time. Since she has been a swinger in the past, I don’t have any doubt that she would make good on any or all of that.

I’ve said it before, but I’ll mention it again. All of this is 100% true. This is my life. And I am utterly loving it. My Mistress is the best in the world — I love her with all my heart, and I know she loves me. Our relationship may sound weird to you, but neither of us would want it any other way.

Excited Times Two

Things are getting so exciting! Today I sent my paperwork to the surgeon that I’ve selected to do my Gender Confirmation Surgery. Within a week I should have a tentative date for exchanging my boy parts for girls parts. I’m so excited!

My hope and plan is to create some additional pages here about the FIVE surgeons I interviewed as part of my selection process. Everyone has have different criteria for such a choice, but I know it helped me to read online about other peoples’ information and experiences.

The second thing I’m excited about is that my wife is planning a special event for me now, just prior to surgery. This is a BDSM event that is likely to be one of the peak experiences of my life. In many ways, another dream come true!

My wife and I have met Ms. Cleo Dubois (and her fascinating partner Fakir Musafar) in person at an intense local BDSM event several years back. We also have several of her movies (Tie Me Up, and The Pain Game — both awesome).  My wife also did a little phone counseling with Ms. Dubois much earlier in our marriage, related to our budding Dominant/submissive relationship.

Anyway, my wife/Mistress has decided that she is going to arrange for Ms. Dubois to have a BDSM scene with me before my surgery. All the details are up to the two of them, and she has said she won’t be telling me anything about it.

Now a regular kinky scene with someone else in our local scene is usually very nice — intense, wonderful, painful (and of course fully consensual) — all those things a good BDSM scene should be.

But I can’t put into words the commanding presence and energy that Ms. Dubois brings to a scene. You can get a sense for it in her movies, and we were fortunate enough to see it in person.

My wife and I know that we have the intense level of energy exchange during our play that will make this an utterly amazing scene. We know because other people have seen it as they have watched us play, and afterwards they seek us out and let us know. So I feel confident that I can be a worthy plaything of Ms. Dubois, and make my Mistress proud.

My knees get weak just thinking about submitting to her. My behavior will have to be perfect, in order to please both her and my wife. It’s erotic and frightening, thrilling and scary.

I sure hope my surgery date isn’t too far in the future. I’m not sure how long I can stand the anticipation of both of these amazing events!

Several Anticipations

We have a friend coming to visit next week. My wife / Mistress has been in contact with him for at least a year now, and they seem to be able to “talk about anything”. She teases me quite regularly about how she might offer me to him for sexual pleasure. He arrives Tuesday evening, and apparently is free most of Wednesday.

It could be that it will be a vanilla visit, with no sex involved. But he has included plenty of obvious innuendo in many of his emails and texts — my wife makes sure to show them to me. Although he’s married, he travels internationally a LOT, so who knows.

I’m nervous. I get the sense that my wife would be quite willing to be shockingly spontaneous, if the situation were right. Last week she asked me if I would be willing to do a three-way with her. I said yes, of course, but I still have a lot of emotional trepidation about it for real.

She also just let me know that one of my birthday presents will be arriving soon from Extreme Restraints. It won’t be the first or last time we’ve ordered from them.

I have a hood very similar to this one that they sell. I used to just love being in it – tight, sensory deprivation, locking, ultimate head bondage. But since my transition I have found that it’s a bit too frightening now. I’ve tried to put it on a few times, and I freak out. In all my decades of going deeper and deeper into bondage, that has never happened. I’m guessing it might have to do with the feminizing hormones, and my new emotional experience of the world.

I also think I might be within a week or two of selecting a surgeon for my GCS (gender-confirming surgery).  I talked with five of them (or their office staff) extensively, getting dozens of my details questions answered. Remember that my wife is a nurse – no half-measures on this one. The list is down to two — one on each coast. One last call in just over a week, and it will be time for me to pick one and schedule a date to finally become physically female!

Lesbian cuckold?

I’ve been living full-time as a woman for almost 14 months now, and I’ve been on feminizing hormones for even longer. One thing that means is that I can’t have penetrative sex anymore. To be blunt, my cock just won’t get hard enough for me to screw someone. Like my wife.

She loves to use this to humiliate me. This hormonally-induced impotence gives her lots of fodder for teasing. She doesn’t miss any opportunity to riff on words like limp, shriveled, tiny, ineffective, useless, etc.

She will also talk about being with other men for sex. I always – and I mean always – blush when she does. It’s involuntary. She’s even made be blush like that in front of friends, and they all find it humorous. Early on it seemed like she would talk about it just to tease. I’m not so sure anymore.

Yesterday our conversation turned to sex, and she asked me if I would like it if she were to have sex with a guy. I reluctantly said that I would understand, and that I wouldn’t mind. I said I sincerely wanted her to be happy. She asked me very specifically if that was my “final answer”. I said yes.

Tonight she told me she misses “man-sex”. I apologized for not being able to provide that for her any more. She said it didn’t matter, because she can get that whenever she wants, “Right?” I had to agree. After all, I honestly do want her to be fully sexually satisfied.

I know I can still satiate her sometimes. She lets me eat her out when she wants it. I never disappoint. But she says it’s not the same as a warm, firm penis inside her. I can’t dispute that.

I’ll be picking a surgeon this week for my Gender Conforming Surgery (which will convert my genitals from male to female). I think the finality of this is part of the energy that is going on.

I still can’t tell for sure if this “lesbian cuckolding” is something that she will go through with. More and more I am thinking that she will eventually. What’s unclear to me is whether she will get hers before or after she arranges for a man to take my newfound virginity. And I have no doubt at all that she will arrange that, if she hasn’t already.

 

Scary Saturday

So my wife and I were out to dinner a month or so ago with a couple we’ve known for a few years. But it had slipped my mind, until he walked into the restaurant, that I had given the man a blow job some time ago at a party.

So here I am, at dinner, with this man sitting across the table, his wife next to him, and my wife next to me.

I should probably also mention that my wife was the one to told me to suck him off at that party.

A few weeks later we go out dancing with them. It’s a bit awkward for us, as two women, to dance in this vanilla establishment. Our heterosexual friends didn’t get the stares that we did, especially during that one slow dance. Ah well, screw the gawkers.

Partway through our dancing, my wife tells me to invite them both to our place in a few weeks. I’m instructed to let him know that my “nibbies” (her pet name for my breasts) need some of his TLC. I’m in shock, but I do as I’m told. He graciously accepts the invitation.

You need to know that he is one of the top-notch whip masters in our local BSDM community. In other words, my wife’s plan is for him to use his whips on my breasts.

So that was supposed to happen today. But unfortunately he got ill and cancelled our plans and others. Annetta said she will reschedule.

I was already nervous, and now I have to wait even longer. Understand that being whipped isn’t the only thing on their agenda. He and my wife have been discussing what will happen at our little private party for quite a while. All she’s told me so far is that I will also be serving them throughout the party.

Last night she picked out my outfit – a black, lacy number that really flatters my figure – it’s hot! A demure black leather collar, and locking high-heel patent leather boots will complete the scene. Oh, and I’m supposed to be sure to have all our gags handy, as we don’t want to bother the neighbors regardless of what happens.

All the rest will be a surprise – for me anyway.

So in this you can probably see that our relationship is still very much intact and going extremely well. We love each other very much. And I trust her completely, enough to let her turn my body over to a friend for him to use as he sees fit.

My wife also told him about my rape fantasies (which I do indeed have). Then she told me “But since you don’t have a vagina yet, that will have to wait until later”. I know non-consensual rape is a very bad thing. But I’ll speak only for myself and say that I’ve had fantasies about being raped, as a woman, all my life. YMMV.

My wife loves to tease me, and humiliate me, including with other people. Being her devoted submissive and spouse, that is just fine with me. It’s one of the many ways I can show her how much I love her (and her dominance).

 

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Quite a few things haven’t changed since my last post about 7 weeks ago. Mistress still has me eating out of one of my two dog dishes for all my meals (unless I have permission). She’s talked about bringing one with us to a restaurant soon. But apparently I’ve been good enough to be allowed to use a regular spoon from our main silverware (rather than one of our reject “crummy” spoons).

She also still uses me as her nighttime urinal on occasion. And I’ve not been permitted any boygasms in months, just an occasional girlgasm every week or two. Humiliation play is nearly every day. She has a male friend who will visit later this year, and she talks a lot about how they will treat me when while he stays with us.

But some things have changed…

We had a death in the family just days after Christmas, so the holidays had some sadness. Mistress has the additional title of “executrix” temporarily. I’m supporting her through both grief and the logistics of handling that estate. Losing a parent to cancer is hard.

Just recently we’ve started talking seriously about having a male slave move in with us. “R” lived with us about 9 years ago for some months. He’s a service-oriented submissive, and he would love nothing more than to “serve two women”. It will be an interesting pecking order, with my wife as my Mistress and his Ma’am, I would continue to be her submissive pet but his dominant Miss. He would submit to us both.

Mistress and I have discussed some plans, including having R out for a few weeks soon as a trial. If things seem like a good fit, it sounds like he will ask to move in with us permanently. That’s even after learning that his service will almost certainly include BDSM, enforced chastity, an ownership mark (tattoo), and plenty of household duties.

Something I’m personally looking forward to this year is GRS. My surgeon consultation is still scheduled for the end of March, after which we can set a date to exchange tiny for a vagina. Exciting!

I’m also utterly thrilled to report that hormones have enabled me to grow B-cup breasts. The guideline is usually “one cup size smaller than your mother or sisters”. My mom has B’s. Mistress and I are both pretty pleased with the size of my “girls”, and this means we don’t have to bother with breast-augmentation as yet another surgical procedure.

I continue to think that biologically I was very ripe for being a female. I believe science will someday help us understand transsexuality better, including its causes and treatments. For me, I am so very happy to finally be the woman I’ve dreamed of being. I’m grateful each and every day. I’m more compassionate and loving, more calm and peaceful.

I’d be happy to entertain questions in the comments. Happy New Year!

Paving the way?

I’ll probably appear to be a bit fixated on this topic, but I wanted to share a conversation from last night while it’s still fresh in my mind.

My wife revisited the “jealousy” topic (see my prior post) after we went to bed. She wanted to talk about it more, in some detail. It surprised me.

She started out saying she wanted to be sure she understood how I thought I would feel if she were to have sex with another guy.  “So, you’re telling me you wouldn’t be jealous?” she asked.

“Well, like I said before, if it threatened our relationship, like if you wanted him instead of me as a life partner, then yes, I think it would be terribly hurtful for me. Not in a erotic humiliation sort of way, but in a severe depression and life sucks sort of way.” I continued, “But if it was just sex and not a deeper, emotional relationship, then… I don’t think I’d be jealous.”

She still seemed surprised. “I just don’t get that,” she said.

I asked her “Well, how would you feel if I had an affair?” Her response was immediate and firm. “Oh, that’s easy. I’d leave you immediately and we would get a divorce as soon as possible. I hope that’s clear. Is it?” I said “Yes, Ma’am, very clear. That will never happen.”

There is no doubt that this is a female-led relationship, that she is the dominant, and that I am her submissive.

“Let’s walk through a scenario,” she said. “You imagine it happening for real, and tell me how you feel.”

She continued. “You come home from work someday, and things look a bit messier than usual in the house, like maybe I’ve been distracted most of the day. You don’t find me downstairs, but hear something upstairs and come into our bedroom. There you see me naked on the bed with another man. We’re having sex, and the room smells like we’ve been doing it for hours. I don’t hear you, as I’m just about to orgasm again, and I do, making quite a bit of noise. Then I do notice you, and tell you to shut up and sit down. What do you do?”.

I said “I’d quietly sit down, without saying ‘Yes, Ma’am, right away’ as you’ve instructed, because you said to shut up.” She replied “Very good. And how would you feel?”

I pondered this, trying to put myself into this mythical situation. It was difficult to separate the idea of this really happening from a fantasy (one I’ve had many times). I answered her, “Well, I would feel surprised, shocked, and maybe a little hurt. But I’d also feel somewhat good that you were enjoying yourself so much, being sexually satisfied by him.”

Then she asked “How about if he was giving me oral sex? How would you feel about that?” That answer seemed easier: “I’d feel a little more hurt by that, since I really enjoy going down on you, and it’s something I can still do.” She didn’t miss the opportunity to rub it in, saying “Yes, I guess that is the one way you can still satisfy me sexually. We both know that, thanks to the hormones, tiny is more worthless than ever.”

She put her hand down my pajamas to check tiny’s status and said “This is turning you on, isn’t it?” I had to admit that it was (it always does). The answer to her question was obvious, but despite that, we both knew that there wasn’t enough there for me to sexually satisfy her. My size, thickness, and firmness has substantially decreased; a year of feminizing hormones will do that.

She rolled over onto her stomach, and put a hand down between her legs. She made a point of telling me “I’m going to masturbate now, thinking about having sex with a black guy I met at a swingers party before I met you. He had a magnificent cock. I gave him a bj back then. I might still have his email address. It might be time to reconnect. Mmmmm.” She started moaning and bucking her hips. I put my hand on her thigh to feel her gyrate until she came, relaxed, and got quiet.

It feels like I’ve just gone past that point — where those who want to be cuckolded suddenly realize that this might not be just a fantasy anymore, and that it’s truly out of their control. Maybe she’s just mindfucking me again. But what if she isn’t?

And yes, it really did happen like this last night.

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