Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Quite a few things haven’t changed since my last post about 7 weeks ago. Mistress still has me eating out of one of my two dog dishes for all my meals (unless I have permission). She’s talked about bringing one with us to a restaurant soon. But apparently I’ve been good enough to be allowed to use a regular spoon from our main silverware (rather than one of our reject “crummy” spoons).

She also still uses me as her nighttime urinal on occasion. And I’ve not been permitted any boygasms in months, just an occasional girlgasm every week or two. Humiliation play is nearly every day. She has a male friend who will visit later this year, and she talks a lot about how they will treat me when while he stays with us.

But some things have changed…

We had a death in the family just days after Christmas, so the holidays had some sadness. Mistress has the additional title of “executrix” temporarily. I’m supporting her through both grief and the logistics of handling that estate. Losing a parent to cancer is hard.

Just recently we’ve started talking seriously about having a male slave move in with us. “R” lived with us about 9 years ago for some months. He’s a service-oriented submissive, and he would love nothing more than to “serve two women”. It will be an interesting pecking order, with my wife as my Mistress and his Ma’am, I would continue to be her submissive pet but his dominant Miss. He would submit to us both.

Mistress and I have discussed some plans, including having R out for a few weeks soon as a trial. If things seem like a good fit, it sounds like he will ask to move in with us permanently. That’s even after learning that his service will almost certainly include BDSM, enforced chastity, an ownership mark (tattoo), and plenty of household duties.

Something I’m personally looking forward to this year is GRS. My surgeon consultation is still scheduled for the end of March, after which we can set a date to exchange tiny for a vagina. Exciting!

I’m also utterly thrilled to report that hormones have enabled me to grow B-cup breasts. The guideline is usually “one cup size smaller than your mother or sisters”. My mom has B’s. Mistress and I are both pretty pleased with the size of my “girls”, and this means we don’t have to bother with breast-augmentation as yet another surgical procedure.

I continue to think that biologically I was very ripe for being a female. I believe science will someday help us understand transsexuality better, including its causes and treatments. For me, I am so very happy to finally be the woman I’ve dreamed of being. I’m grateful each and every day. I’m more compassionate and loving, more calm and peaceful.

I’d be happy to entertain questions in the comments. Happy New Year!

Paving the way?

I’ll probably appear to be a bit fixated on this topic, but I wanted to share a conversation from last night while it’s still fresh in my mind.

My wife revisited the “jealousy” topic (see my prior post) after we went to bed. She wanted to talk about it more, in some detail. It surprised me.

She started out saying she wanted to be sure she understood how I thought I would feel if she were to have sex with another guy.  “So, you’re telling me you wouldn’t be jealous?” she asked.

“Well, like I said before, if it threatened our relationship, like if you wanted him instead of me as a life partner, then yes, I think it would be terribly hurtful for me. Not in a erotic humiliation sort of way, but in a severe depression and life sucks sort of way.” I continued, “But if it was just sex and not a deeper, emotional relationship, then… I don’t think I’d be jealous.”

She still seemed surprised. “I just don’t get that,” she said.

I asked her “Well, how would you feel if I had an affair?” Her response was immediate and firm. “Oh, that’s easy. I’d leave you immediately and we would get a divorce as soon as possible. I hope that’s clear. Is it?” I said “Yes, Ma’am, very clear. That will never happen.”

There is no doubt that this is a female-led relationship, that she is the dominant, and that I am her submissive.

“Let’s walk through a scenario,” she said. “You imagine it happening for real, and tell me how you feel.”

She continued. “You come home from work someday, and things look a bit messier than usual in the house, like maybe I’ve been distracted most of the day. You don’t find me downstairs, but hear something upstairs and come into our bedroom. There you see me naked on the bed with another man. We’re having sex, and the room smells like we’ve been doing it for hours. I don’t hear you, as I’m just about to orgasm again, and I do, making quite a bit of noise. Then I do notice you, and tell you to shut up and sit down. What do you do?”.

I said “I’d quietly sit down, without saying ‘Yes, Ma’am, right away’ as you’ve instructed, because you said to shut up.” She replied “Very good. And how would you feel?”

I pondered this, trying to put myself into this mythical situation. It was difficult to separate the idea of this really happening from a fantasy (one I’ve had many times). I answered her, “Well, I would feel surprised, shocked, and maybe a little hurt. But I’d also feel somewhat good that you were enjoying yourself so much, being sexually satisfied by him.”

Then she asked “How about if he was giving me oral sex? How would you feel about that?” That answer seemed easier: “I’d feel a little more hurt by that, since I really enjoy going down on you, and it’s something I can still do.” She didn’t miss the opportunity to rub it in, saying “Yes, I guess that is the one way you can still satisfy me sexually. We both know that, thanks to the hormones, tiny is more worthless than ever.”

She put her hand down my pajamas to check tiny’s status and said “This is turning you on, isn’t it?” I had to admit that it was (it always does). The answer to her question was obvious, but despite that, we both knew that there wasn’t enough there for me to sexually satisfy her. My size, thickness, and firmness has substantially decreased; a year of feminizing hormones will do that.

She rolled over onto her stomach, and put a hand down between her legs. She made a point of telling me “I’m going to masturbate now, thinking about having sex with a black guy I met at a swingers party before I met you. He had a magnificent cock. I gave him a bj back then. I might still have his email address. It might be time to reconnect. Mmmmm.” She started moaning and bucking her hips. I put my hand on her thigh to feel her gyrate until she came, relaxed, and got quiet.

It feels like I’ve just gone past that point — where those who want to be cuckolded suddenly realize that this might not be just a fantasy anymore, and that it’s truly out of their control. Maybe she’s just mindfucking me again. But what if she isn’t?

And yes, it really did happen like this last night.

Femcuck?

My wife asked me today if I have ever been jealous, not just with her, but at all with anyone. I had to stop and think. And even then, I wasn’t sure.

My trust in her is so high, and we have such a strong relationship built on honesty and communication, that it’s truly never come up for me. Fidelity (or even flirting) in my previous marriage wasn’t an issue either.

So I find myself with about 30 years of married life and no real opportunities for me to feel jealous. Is that weird?

I also realized that my wife has never expressed significant interest in someone other than me. So it’s probably fair to say that we’ve never “gone there”.

The astute reader of my blog will recall that I’ve shared many stories here that my wife has told me about black men that she’s had sex with. They are great stories, and I see myself as a cuckold candidate because those stories turn me on. But they have always only been stories that she uses to humiliate me.  After all, what kind of husband gets turned on hearing about his wife being unfaithful?

She took her questioning on the topic further, by asking flat out: “Do you think you’d feel jealous if I really did fuck another guy?” Again, I think it was weird that I had to think about my answer so much.

Eventually my answer was: “Well, if our relationship was threatened by it, then yes, I probably would feel jealous. But if it was just sex, well, probably not. It might also depend on whether or not I was present — but I’m not sure on that part.”

Many people have a strong connection between emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy. I’m like that in my primary relationship: if we’re emotionally struggling, I’m just not going to feel like having sex.

But my wife is not like that. She and a former husband, when they were married years ago, used to go to swingers parties. And yes, participate. But their relationship didn’t have the depth ours does. Swinging has not been a part of our time together.

My wife took it further.  “So, if you came home one day and I told you I invited our friend Donny over, and rode his magnificent cock to several orgasms while you were at work, you wouldn’t be jealous?” Since I know that Donny doesn’t threaten our relationship at all, my only honest answer was “Well, no, I don’t think it would.”

“Hmmm….” she said teasingly, as she walked off towards her office (and her computer).

So my question for you is:  now that I’m a female in a married lesbian relationship, could I still be considered a cuckold?

 

My new blog

Hi peeps!

I just wanted to let you know that I’m focusing my efforts now on my new blog:  Blooming Time. The focus there is on my gender transition.

I’m adding once a week or so there. I just posted yesterday! It even talks about genitals. But not chastity or other wildly kinky stuff like I’ve shared here. That stuff will stay in this blog.

Blooming Time goes back to very early in my transgender journey. Don’t mind the hole from Aug 2012 to Aug 2013, I’ll be filling that soon.

I’ll probably pop in to check on this blog from time to time. So feel free to comment!

And if I have a really hot scene (like that breast whipping my wife keeps talking about), this is the place where I’d post about that.

I suspect that chastity, per se, won’t be part of my marriage for at least a year. But my wife does occasionally talk about what it’s going to take to lock my labia closed (after the sex-change surgery). Even then — can I be a “Locked Hubby” when even my gynecologist thinks I’m female? Can I be a “hubby” on the basis of an “invisible” Y chromosome? What do you think?

Thanks for reading!

 

Happy in heels

Things are still going well! I love being in the world as a woman now, instead of as a man. And unlike most married couples to find themselves wrestling with this issue (one partner being transexual), we are still going strong together. I think being openminded kinksters really helps.

I’m still eating out of my dog dishes, sometime 3 times a day. It’s so automatic now. My latest need for punishment has related to being tardy. My wife/mistress does not appreciate departing to an event with me when we are behind schedule. The last time we were 3 minutes late to meet some friends for dinner, she tacked on a penalty 5 minutes because I hurried through a yellow light (her opinion was that I ran a red light). That turned into a paddling with her favorite thick leather paddle, non-stop for the full eight minutes.

And she still has her appreciation for men of color. She rarely misses an opportunity to notice or comment on them, or even flirt with them. Humiliating me remains another past-time, making comments about my sexual inadequacy over the years as a man, and how my penis will be so much better off as a vagina anyway. There is little need for male chastity devices any more, as the female hormones have left tiny barely functional in that regard.

I can’t remember the last time she permitted me an orgasm. Several times per month, though, she instructs me to orally pleasure her, which I happily do. We both really enjoy that, and as a bonus she gets to ignore how horny it leaves me.

Our relationship is doing amazingly well, considering all we’ve been through lately. In many ways we feel closer than ever. And I’m extremely grateful for that. The next (and perhaps final) challenge for us will be the Gender Confirming Surgery (also known as SRS or GRS). She’s worried about infections and other problems. I’m still very excited to have my body fully reflect how I see myself now in the world – as a woman.

As time goes on, I’m less and less comfortable with my male genitals. They are inconvenient, as I cannot dress how I want sometimes. They are annoying, since tucking them snugly so they don’t bulge obviously under my clothes is a hassle. They hurt sometimes, as the atrophy fights with the occasional erection attempt. And mostly they no longer feel appropriate at all. I was in the shower with my wife, feeling horny, and instead of being able to rub my pussy against her thigh this damn semi-flaccid hunk of skin was flopping around. It honestly felt very wrong.

Electrolysis is a pain in the ass. I just completed my 7th trip to Dallas TX where they again removed all the active-growth hairs from my face. Eleven hours of technician time zapping and pulling those hairs one-by-one. Don’t mind the anesthetic injections — by needle into the face. Yeah, it really sucks. But most transitioning friends I know do it locally, without anesthetic, a half-hour or hour at a time. Which reminds me, I have to start that process in my genital area. It’s a strong recommendation prior to surgery down there. Apparently it’s quite painful too. So of course my wife wants to be with me during those procedures.

On the up side, I wore the cutest outfit to work yesterday! And heels, which I love. Actually, I only meant to do a brief post, as I need to be getting ready for work. Dress, jewelry, makeup, hair, and out the door.

Full-time female

I’m finally living 24×7 as a female.  I’ve legally changed my name, my driver’s license now says F instead of M, and I’m filling out an application/intake form for SRS (sexual reassignment surgery).  I’ve been on female hormones for about a year now, and my body has definitely changed:  A-B cup boobs, bigger hips, softer skin.  I worked with my employer to transition from male to female, and I kept my job.  I’m probably 70% done with facial electrolysis.  And tiny is pretty much worthless now – no more firm erections, no ejaculations.

I’m actually very, very happy!  I love being a woman.  It’s not for everyone (hee hee), but it’s pretty clear now that I have been a closeted transexual all my life.  When I first started this journey I was in so much denial about my feminine side.  Until then I had no opportunity in my life to even start to think about this as a real option.  Now, I have no interest in turning back.  I will live the rest of my life this way.

Now for my warnings:  transitioning your gender (MTF or FTM) is not something to be done lightly.  Hormones without proper medical supervision can and do kill.  If you really think this might be a path for you, find a qualified gender therapist before you do anything else.  Be prepared for a full psych workup, as you’ll have to deal with your “stuff” first.  Good mental health is a necessary starting point for this journey, because it is a really hard one.  The suicide rate for us trans folks is 41% – yes, over four of ten.  Did I say it’s difficult?  Some days it’s almost too fucking difficult.  But I’m definitely going to make it.

If you transition, you will lose friends (I have); they just cannot get their minds around it.  You might lose family (I came close); they’ve known you for too long to handle a change of this magnitude.  You will almost certainly lose your primary relationship; very few marriages survive.  I thought at first that mine would certainly make it, and so far we’ve been together for 1.5 years of this transition (and about 12 years overall).  But honestly, I’m not sure my wife will make it for the long haul.  I hope so, but some days she really struggles with it.  And our relationship has definitely changed, and not always to my preference.  But we still love each other deeply.  It’s just … very different now.

Transitioning is expensive.  Electrolysis alone has cost me about $10,000 already.  I’ll need about double that for SRS.  And probably that much again for a completely new wardrobe, makeup, hair, nails, bathroom supplies, hormones, therapy, and medical appointments.  I’ve had to tap into my retirement money for some of that.

You know what else has been a casualty?  Not just my sex life (so far, anyway), but my kink life as well.  My wife simply cannot bring herself to dominate me as a female.  She realizes now that me being a male was an important part of that BDSM dynamic.  It’s probably just as well that I didn’t know that before.  Having to choose between following this dream and keeping kink and boy-sex in my life would have been really tough 2 years ago.  But the changes to my body are permanent now, and there is no going back.

Soon the boy clothes will all be gone for good.  Eventually the chastity cage will be sold too.  All of that is behind me now, forever.  I’m not sad about it — really.  It actually depresses me to think about going back to being a male.  Not that being a female is easy — it’s not, especially since I was socialized as a male for several decades first.  But I enjoy it every day.  I can honestly say I’m enjoying life a great deal more now.

If you want to really learn more about transsexuality, I’ll recommend two of the best resources I’ve found.  The book:  “She’s Not There – A Life in Two Genders” by Jennifer Boylan.  It’s an engaging read — funny, moving, and very educational.  The movie:  “Trans” (2012).  Watch for it!  It features Dr. McGinn who will likely do my SRS surgery, and it tells the story of several other brave trans people.

Sorry I don’t have more chastity tales for you here right now.  Perhaps after surgery (in about a year) my wife will have more to say on that topic.  Until then, and as always, I’d be happy to hear your comments.  Take care.

 

Transition Update

Life has been so busy!  I am continuing with my gender transition.  I’m working with some of the best professionals in my state, which rocks.  8 months now on female hormones, and I definitely have some cute breasts.  My wife loves to tease me about how much larger my ass is (yet she says she loves my “girl butt”).  I have filed paperwork to legally change my name, and have started talking to gender reassignment surgeons.

This week I’m going to talk to HR at my workplace to set plans in motion to transition on-the-job.  One day I will simply start as a female.  Yes, really.  I’ve learned my employer has recently gone through this with someone else already, which is heartening.  I’ve been living as a female for many months now everywhere in my life except at work.  It’s time to come out there and go “full-time”.

I received a comment or email from a reader who wondered if becoming a transexual was a natural or common eventuality for a feminized husband in chastity.  My short answer: no.  It’s a great fantasy, and I’ve loved the stories I’ve read on-line over the years.  But the reality of changing your gender for real in this society is very different.  I’m sure there is the occasional “forced” situation, but I estimate that’s far less than 1% in real life.  What you don’t realize is that there are plenty of transitioning people all around you.  Some estimates as low as 1 in 200.  Of course that includes the entire transgender umbrella, not just transexuals.

Some of the women you know might have been born male.  That’s just reality.  But please don’t ask them.  Think about it — a genetic female will likely be very offended that you thought they were born male; quite a buzz-kill on a date.  Like me, most transexuals want to transition and live the rest of their life as peacefully as possible.  I just want to be in the world now as a woman.  Eventually I will legally be female.  And my wife and I will simply want to get on with the rest of our (lesbian) lives.

Some aspects of my situation were not really that unusual:  a lifetime of private activities exploring my female side (crossdressing, reading TS stories, playing with makeup, wishing I was female); deciding to explore it more seriously after getting heterosexually married.  One aspect of my situation is very unusual:  my wife and I plan to stay together.  The harsh reality is that most relationships cannot survive one spouse changing their gender — I think the partnership failure rate is over 90%.  The suicide rate for transgender people is also very high (over 30%) — I’m fortunate to be a survivor, in fact.

But back to the question.  It very well could be that a husband willing to be feminized and put into chastity does have some latent gender identity issues.  But they may not be as serious as full-out transexuality.  There is nothing wrong with loving to crossdress (I did it for decades), and for many it ends there.  Other have a stronger pull away from their genetic gender, but life circumstances prevent them from acting on them (I was also there for decades).  A full transition is not cheap — at least $30,000 start to finish.  If you are interested in more details of transitioning, let me know.  I don’t want to bore my readers!

Let’s revisit my dog dish (see prior post).  I haven’t messed up once!  But I will relay one story.  My wife’s sister moved to our city about a year ago, and she comes over sometimes to chat or eat — or the three of us girls go shopping!  One day she was over and she brought her two little dogs.  I came home from work and saw my dog dish on the floor, and her dogs were eating out of them.  I didn’t know if my wife had told her or not.  And I didn’t dare ask.  But it was clear that my wife noticed me noticing, and she really got off on the humiliation that it provided.

I’ll end on a chastity development.  Today I’ll be removing my PA piercing.  That’s a major deal for me.  I’d wanted that ring in my cock for so very long, and it meant so much when my wife decided to have it installed.  But gender surgeons apparently recommend letting that hole in my penis heal.  I guess it makes sense, since they will be turning tiny inside-out when they surgically transform my male genitals into a vagina and labia.  It’s amazing what they can do today (google for “SRS photos”).

But removing my PA ring signals the end of an era.  No more chastity.  Having my cock locked up was such a focus and big deal to me.  And I’m feeling some loss about that.  Mistress still dominates me, of course.  But not with forced orgasm denial.  She’s threatened a female chastity device, but those always come with a waist belt, and she has never been ok with those.

At some point I’m going to sell my whole high-security chastity setup:  lock, JailBird cage, bio-safe, etc.  If you want to be notified, drop me an email or blog comment.  That will be a sad day too for me.  On the other hand, it truly does feel awesome in so many ways, to finally become the woman that I’ve dreamed of being — and to have my Mistress/wife with me on the journey!  Heaven!

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